


There's A Calm Surrender

by carolinablu85



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, Angsty Schmoop, Character Death, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Flashbacks, M/M, Mentions of Possible Non-Con or Dub-Con, Reunions, Schmoop, Secrets and Plotting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-17
Updated: 2012-08-16
Packaged: 2017-11-12 07:27:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/488255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinablu85/pseuds/carolinablu85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When his dad is killed and he thinks it’s his fault, Luke runs away from his home and his family- and Noah. Years later, he reappears in a very changed Oakdale to right the wrongs he left behind. <i>(Written for Nuke BigBang 2012)</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Enchanted Moment

**Author's Note:**

> Like the tags say- there's some character death ahead, though it's NOT either of the main guys. Just beware!
> 
>  
> 
> Very loosely based on _The Lion King_ , so I own even less of it than normal :) Just finished and posted for this year's BigBang on LJ, the amazing art that went with it includes this fucking AWESOME gifset:
> 
> http://permanentmochakisses.tumblr.com/post/29502088082/nuke-big-bang-2012-theres-a-calm-surrender-by
> 
> (I don't know how to link on AO3. I hope that worked.)
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you like!

The road seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of them. It was boring. Luke leaned his head against the truck window, closing his eyes, yawning. He stretched his legs out as far as they would go, his foot hitting the side of his duffel bag, and he had to smile.   
  
\---   
  
_“I hate packing,” he whines, shoving two more shirts into the bag.  
  
Almost immediately, a pair of hands reach from behind him and pull the shirts out, refold them correctly, and place them neatly back inside. “That’s the real reason you tried to get out of the trip, isn’t it?”  
  
“No,” he grumbles, turning around. His arms snake around Noah’s waist, pulling him close. He grins into Noah’s chest when Noah lets himself be pulled without a fight, his own arms going around Luke. “You’re kinda one too.”  
  
“I can’t go anywhere,” he feels Noah’s smile against the top of his head. “It’s just a few days, and you know you’ll have fun. And I’ll be here... anxiously pining away for your return.”  
  
“Sure.” He rolls his eyes and playfully bites at his chest through the Java shirt, smirking when Noah twitches at the feeling.  
  
“Thanks,” Noah mock-scolds, kissing his cheek lightly before pulling back and going to their dresser. “Do you have everything you need?”  
  
“I don’t know, will you fit in my suitcase?” Luke follows, grabbing him again. He hugs Noah tight to him from behind, loving- as always- the way Noah can’t help but fall silent and close his eyes, leaning back into Luke. “Wish you could come with us,” he presses a few kisses to the back of Noah’s neck.  
  
“Can’t,” Noah murmurs. “Too much work to do.” Meaning Java, meaning school, meaning his film, meaning... Mason. Luke grimaces but keeps quiet about that part. No reason to turn a slightly annoying subject into a full-blown sore one between them. “Besides,” Noah leans back just a little more. “This should just be you and your dad.”  
  
“You mean, to make up for the fact that I almost bailed on him to go on a trip with Damian instead?” Luke sighs dramatically as Noah turns around to face him, the sigh cutting off when Noah kisses him.  
  
“Yes,” Noah answers honestly, gently. “I said before- Holden knows you love him and he’s your dad, but,” he half-smiles, scrunching up one side of his face as though that’ll help get the words out right. “I just... I think he’d like to hear it, and see it, you know?”  
  
And part of him wants to sigh, the natural instinct whenever anyone ever lectures him, but he leans in instead, pushing his lips out a little in request for another kiss. Noah obliges, keeping their mouths pressed together until Luke has no choice but to smile into it. “I know.”  
  
Noah knocks their foreheads together. “When is he picking you up?”  
  
Luke brings his hand up from Noah’s lower back, checking his watch. “Um.... forty-five minutes.”  
  
“Oh,” Noah slides his own hands lower and lower, latching onto Luke’s hips. “That’s a lot of time.” He playfully shoves Luke towards the bed. “That’s good.”  
  
It really is._   
  
\---   
  
The truck hitting a particularly deep pothole jerked Luke out of his thoughts. He smiled some more, already planning his welcome home party for the two of them.   
  
“You’ve been quiet,” Holden commented idly.   
  
“Sorry,” Luke turned, sheepish, rubbing at his face a little. “Tired.” He couldn’t exactly explain that he’d been daydreaming about sex with his boyfriend.   
  
“You’re not... regretting coming on the trip, are you?” Holden ventured, glancing at him for a second before looking back to the road.   
  
“What? No, Dad, come on.” It was a weird, almost scary, feeling when a parent showed vulnerability or insecurity like that. They were grownups; they were supposed to handle everything. His dad wasn’t supposed to be like this. _Luke_  was, duh, but not his dad. “Not at all. I swear.”   
  
Holden gave that easygoing smile. “I just don’t want you to feel obligated.”   
  
“Dad, I promise, that’s not what this is.” He turned even more, leaning his back against the door. “And I’ll say it a billion times if you want: Damian is not my dad. Just because I’m working for him, it’s doesn’t... doesn’t mean _that._ ”   
  
"And I should know that, I know. It's just hard to be rational with that man around." Holden gripped the steering wheel tighter, and Luke pretended he didn't notice. "There's always something more going on, he always-"   
  
The truck jerked abruptly under them, startling them both. At first Luke assumed it was another pothole, but the car kept skidding to the side. Across the road. "Dad?"   
  
Holden was trying frantically to steer. "Luke, hang on to-"   
  
The rest of his words were swallowed up in chaos.   
  
***   
  
He only had two hours left on his shift, and he was in that in-between frame of mind- part of him just wanted to go home and go to bed; the other part wanted to stay away from the bed that was painfully empty, stock up on caffeine and work on his film all night. And he was looking at three more nights of this. Three more until Luke came home.   
  
It was going to be a long three nights.   
  
He wiped down the counter slowly, mind wandering, going over script revisions, budgets, Luke, casting ideas, and Luke. It was almost enough to cause him to miss the tall figure standing just outside the coffeehouse, staring in at him. He jumped and stepped back instinctively- his dad had been hiding there just a few weeks ago- then relaxed when he recognized the blond hair.   
  
"Damian?" he called out, which was stupid considering the man was outside.   
  
Still, maybe he'd heard Noah, because he walked in slowly, almost reluctantly. Noah was about to offer him coffee when he looked, really looked, at Damian's face. "Noah..."   
  
"What's wrong?" he asked immediately, coming around from behind the counter. This had 'Snyder Crisis' written all over it. "Faith? Or, did something happen to Lily?" With Luke away, he wanted to think of it as his job to help out with the family. Whatever had happened, he wanted to fix it. "Did Lucinda-"   
  
"Noah," Damian tried again, this time a little less cracked. "Did Luke go with Holden to Kentucky? Definitely?"   
  
He could already feel ice starting to grab at him, from his toes up, shaking his knees. He nodded. "Why? What happened?"   
  
"You're sure?" Damian got closer, almost desperate. "There's no chance he backed out at the last second, went to-"   
  
"I'm sure," Noah backed up enough to grab at one of the chairs for balance. "Why?"   
  
He watched as Damian visibly braced himself, gathering resolve, and it just made him shake more. "Jack Snyder got a call from Kentucky State Police an hour ago."   
  
The ice was squeezing his lungs now. "Police?"   
  
Damian spoke almost gently, and it freaked Noah out as much as anything. “Holden’s truck. It went through a guardrail and over the side of a- a cliff. Something happened to the brakes, they think.”   
  
_They’re both dead._  As always, his brain immediately went to the worst-case, and most logical, scenario. And then, just as quickly and just as predictably, he told himself no- it would be okay, everything was fine, nothing that bad could ever really happen. “How badly are they hurt?” He started making calculations in his head, plans for how quickly he could fly out to Kentucky, worrying if the hospital staff would even let him see Luke, if-   
  
“Noah,” Damian approached him, and up closer Noah could see his skin was pale, gray, his eyes glassy. “The truck exploded. Probably on impact.”   
  
“How badly are they hurt?” he asked again, demanding. Judging by the look on Jeff’s face across the room, his voice was starting to get loud. He tried to calm down, but found he couldn’t. The icy feeling was squeezing past his chest, around his throat, making him hoarse. He had to yell it or he wouldn’t be able to talk at all. His breathing wouldn’t even out. Not until he found out how bad it was. God, what if Luke’s spine was re-injured? Would he be back in a wheelchair? He would hate that.   
  
“No, son,” (and Noah wanted to snap at him for using that term) Damian shook his head, voice cracking again. “They weren’t able to get out in time. The explosion, it... there was nothing left.”   
  
“No.” He wasn’t sure what he was refusing, but it was the only word he was capable of.   
  
“I’m sorry.”   
  
“ _No._ ” He felt dizzy and cold and... and this couldn’t be real. Maybe it wasn’t . Maybe it was a dream, or he was watching a movie of some terrible version of his life, or someone was playing a cruel, cruel joke on him. “No. Please?”   
  
Damian’s hand was on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Noah. They’re gone.”


	2. Restless Warrior

**Three years later...**   
  
He still sucked at making lattes. The irony that it was his favorite drink was not lost on him. It was a nice metaphor- he could take care of anything but himself.   
  
He silently growled and signaled for the new girl to takeover. She was a complete ditz at almost everything, but a natural at lattes and espressos. He stepped up to the counter instead, plastering on a smile. “What can we get you?” Praying for his shift to end.   
  
It did with a bang. Almost literally. “Yo!” Peter burst into the coffeehouse, nearly knocking the door off its hinges with his customary (lack of) grace. “You ready to go?”   
  
He nodded gratefully, tossing his apron aside, waving goodbye to New Girl. “What’s for dinner tonight?” he asked, following Peter out the door.   
  
“Don’t know, don’t care,” Peter answered. “It’s free, ain’t it?”   
  
He sighed. “I’m just sick of burgers, Pete.”   
  
His roommate, of course, just laughed. “You’re too picky, Luke.”   
  
Luke shrugged, pushing strands of hair out of his eyes. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before. He knew he shouldn’t complain- he was basically living with Peter and Tim for free. Tim worked at a restaurant and brought home any and all leftovers for them to eat. Not great, but satisfying enough. He was getting by.   
  
Most days he could even convince himself that he was doing well. That this life was fine. That the Luke he had been was gone, that that life was over, and that he shouldn’t think about it anymore.   
  
So he didn’t. After three years of laying about with Tim and Peter, scrounging what they could, working for minimum wage at the coffeeshop in town (that irony wouldn’t be lost on him either, if only he’d let himself acknowledge it), Luke had decided this was his life. It was fine. There weren’t any worries or reasons to care about... anything, really. It was better.   
  
But  _man_  he was so sick of those burgers.   
  
Peter glanced over at him as they walked back to the apartment. “So.” He tapped his fingers together, a sure sign that he was about to breach an uncomfortable subject. “Tomorrow.”   
  
Luke clenched his teeth a little. “Yep.”   
  
“Tomorrow you’re gonna do that thing you do, where you take the car and drive to that mysterious location you go to once a year, then come back at night and not talk, and then the next day pretend nothing happened. Right?”   
  
Luke kept on walking. “That’s the plan.”   
  
“Just checking.” Peter followed.   
  
Neither he nor Tim ever pushed Luke to talk about where he came from, why they’d found him on the side of the road three years ago with nothing but the clothes on his back. They never pushed, which he appreciated. Especially since, aside from one day a year, he didn’t let himself push it either.   
  
“Dinner,” Tim announced just as they walked in, as though he’d been waiting for them for just this moment, “is served.”   
  
And it was burgers again. Luke followed Peter to the table, eying them suspiciously. “They look slimy.”   
  
“But satisfying,” Tim argued, mouth already full. “What, would you rather  _pay_  for food?”   
  
It was a good point, unfortunately. Luke sat, forcing himself to dig in.  _Don’t think about it, don’t worry about it,_  he repeated to himself.  _It makes everything easier._  If Tim and Peter had taught him anything, it was that.   
  
They taught him how to get by on as minimal effort as possible, how to ignore everything but the present. They were outsiders, nobodies, and they’d pretty much saved Luke’s life three years ago.   
  
\---   
  
_Luke is near collapse. He’s never been this tired, this drained and empty before. Everything hurts, his eyes barely staying open, and the haze surrounding him could be from pain or shock, he just isn’t sure. But he has to keep moving. He has to get away from... he has to get away. He doesn’t even really remember what, but he knows something happened because of him, and he has to get away.  
  
His feet suddenly stop agreeing, and Luke sinks to the ground, knees crashing even more painfully against gravel and grass. Everything hurts. He’s too tired to...  
  
He must’ve closed his eyes, because all of a sudden it’s darker out and there’s a voice- two voices- in front of him.  
  
“Check for a pulse or something, dumbass. He’s gonna get eaten by buzzards if we just go.”  
  
There’s movement, and Luke flinches, holds up an arm as best he can to ward off whatever the hell is going on.  
  
“Oh shit it’s alive. It’s alive,” one of the voices dances farther away.  
  
“It’s not an ‘it’, it’s a ‘he’,” the first voice snaps. “It’s, Jesus, he’s just a kid.” A figure kneels down in front of him, where Luke realizes he’s sitting slumped against a tree on the side of the road. “Hey, you okay? Do you need me to call... well, we don’t have cell phones or anything, but you need an ambulance?”  
  
“There’s blood on him,” the second voice points out.  
  
“No shit, Sherlock, that’s why I asked,” First Voice turns to Luke again. “You with us, buddy?”  
  
“Yeah,” Luke coughs, clears his throat (but not his head). “Yeah. I’m fine. ‘S okay.”  
  
“Uh-huh,” Second Voice says skeptically. “Yeah. It totally looks fine and okay.”  
  
“Luke,” he snaps without thinking. “Not ‘it’.”  
  
Both voices pause, then laugh. Luke blinks until they come into focus. Two guys, a few years older than him. Dressed shabbily, a little unkempt, he can’t tell if they’re hippies or homeless or both, and doesn’t really care. He doesn’t even have a wallet for them to steal, so unless they want his torn and bloody clothes, there’s nothing they can really do to him.  
  
“I’m Peter,” First Voice says. “This is Tim. You need a lift anywhere? A ride?” He hooks a thumb over his shoulder at a car sitting idle on the side of the road next to them. Luke hadn’t noticed it until now. “This probably isn’t the best place to nap.”  
  
Luke shakes his head as best he can, struggling to his feet. That drumming in his head to_  get away get away get away  _is back. “No, it’s fine. Thanks.”  
  
“You sure?” he’s actually surprised when Tim speaks up. “We’re not headed anywhere in particular, just looking for a place to set up shop for a little while. You look like you could use...” he trails off. Luke probably looks like he could use a lot of things.  
  
He stuffs his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking. “I don’t know where I’m going. So no thanks.” He starts to walk away, slowly, carefully.  
  
“Hey kid!” he hears after a few seconds. Peter jogs and easily catches up with him. “Hey, we’re outcasts too, it’s cool. We’re totally on board with the whole ‘turning your back on the world’ thing. But dying of starvation, not so cool. Come with us, at least for a day or two. Till you get back to fighting form.”  
  
Luke stops, stares at Peter’s open, friendly face. He’s so fucking tired. He’s weighed down by... by something. Something he can’t remember and can’t get himself to try remembering. “Just... just a day or two?”  
  
Peter shrugs. “Sure.” He gestures for Luke to follow him back to the car. “No big deal.”  
  
Tim is waiting, eyeing him. “So, Luke, you got a lifestory?”  
  
“No,” he says, shutting down a little.  
  
“Good, we don’t want to hear one,” Tim says automatically. “Me and Pete, we got a good policy between us. Past is past, not worth thinking about. We do what we have to to get by, and sharing feelings is not one of those things.” He opens the door to the backseat of the car, raising an eyebrow. “Sound good to you?”  
  
Luke looks back and forth between them. He’s exhausted, starving, just on the verge of a breakdown and can’t remember why. Tim’s words sound like the perfect solution. The only solution, really. “Yeah,” he nods, going through the open door. “Um, thanks.”  
  
He leans his head back against the seat, letting Tim and Peter’s inane chatter wash over him, and realizes the only thing he feels right now is relief, as whatever he’d been walking away from gets farther and farther away, smaller and smaller in the car’s rear window.  
  
Luke closes his eyes._   
  
\---   
  
He opened his eyes. It was early, maybe a little after seven in the morning. The apartment was quiet except for the faint noise of Pete’s snoring from his room down the hall.   
  
Luke rolled out of bed (well, rolled out of mattress, there never had been an actual frame for it),and pulled on the first clean shirt he found in his bag. Three years, and he still wouldn’t unpack it. Thanks to his roommates he’d amassed a few belongings together, clean clothes and such, but he kept them in a duffel bag. Almost defiantly, though he wasn’t sure why anymore, and he couldn’t get himself to think too hard about it.   
  
He half-heartedly searched the kitchen cabinets for some cereal, but they’d run out two days ago and nobody had bought more yet. It was probably his turn. He’d get some tomorrow, if he remembered. Luke poured some water from the tap instead, drinking from what he was pretty sure was a clean mug, and looked out the window over the sink. The weather was perfectly fine and drab, which was what he preferred. Forgettable and mind-numbing.   
  
The usual.   
  
He poured out the rest of the water and headed for the door, grabbing his jacket. Tim had left his keys on the same hook, and Luke had to smile at that, thanked him silently, and headed out.   
  
He got onto the highway, glad that the early morning meant barely anyone else was outside. He didn’t want to share any of this- the day, the road, his headspace- with anyone.   
  
Somehow, even with only having driven this route three times, he knew it perfectly. But there was nothing perfect about this. His dad died three years ago today.   
  
Luke turned onto the section of highway where  _it_  had happened. He never came onto this exit, except for this. Pay his respects, for whatever little bit they were worth anymore. He pulled the car over to the side of the road near where they had gone over. The guard rail had finally been fixed last year, he noticed. Grass had grown back over the scorch marks and tire indents. Other than that, it looked exactly the same every year.   
  
Except there was something else different this year. There was someone standing there. In his spot. The spot Luke had claimed as his, where he could sit and mourn his dad in peace (just for a day, then go back to forgetting).   
  
No. He stomped past a fancy rental car and approached in the early-morning-barely-there light. “What are you doing?” he demanded.   
  
The guy scrambled to his feet from the guard rail he’d been sitting against. “Sorry, I-” He stopped.   
  
Luke got a good look at him, finally. And he stopped too.   
  
“Luke?” the voice was a whisper, broken, disbelieving. Shocked. And familiar.   
  
“Noah?”   
  
***   
  
They stared at each other for what had to be a few minutes. Not even drinking in the moment, just trying to process that the moment was real.   
  
“Oh God, Luke?” Noah shook his head. “You-?” he stepped forward in a rush, grabbed Luke and pulled him close with a hard tug.   
  
And for a second there was no world or worries or anything around them, it was just them.  _Noah._  Noah’s hugs were always- had always been- perfect. Luke brought his arms up, glad they remembered where to go around Noah’s shoulders and neck when his brain couldn’t figure it out. He was shaking. They were both shaking.   
  
Noah finally pulled back, his eyes wide and wild. “How? You, you’re supposed to be... you’re alive?”   
  
Luke studied him now, finally comprehending who was standing in front of him. He looked over his... ( _your nothing. he’s not your anything_ )... he looked over Noah, checking for the tiny differences he knew should be there after so long.   
  
And Noah was different, somehow. He was still as slim and tall (and beautiful) as ever, but he was more... there wasn’t much of him that looked like a  _boy_  anymore. Luke was reminded of a description from  The Princess Bride , ‘a trifle thinner, a great deal wiser, an ocean sadder.’ It was what Buttercup looked like after she learned of Westley’s death.   
  
Oh. Noah’s words finally settled in.  _Oh._  “You... you thought I was dead?”   
  
“Jesus, Luke,” Noah took a few steps away, rubbing a hand over his jaw and mouth for a second. It threw Luke completely; it was obviously an unconscious gesture, but not one that Luke recognized. The stubble along his face was almost perfectly groomed, too. His clothes were well-kept, nice dark jeans and a cashmere sweater. There was a faint mark- a few of them, actually, tiny and scattered- around Noah’s eyes. Scars? What? “You were in the car with Holden. It... there was no way anyone could’ve survived the explosion. They told us.”   
  
Luke opened and shut his mouth a few times. “I got out of the car in time. Dad didn’t.”   
  
Noah stilled at Luke’s words, and the empty tone in which he’d said them. “Oh.” He moved closer to Luke, not quite touching, but looking over every inch of him, still not believing. “You have to come back to home with me.”   
  
And it was Luke’s turn to step back. “Home?”   
  
“Oakdale,” Noah insisted. “They need to know you’re okay, everyone needs- God, your mom, she’s gonna freak out.”   
  
“You still live in Oakdale?” Luke blinked, latching onto the one thing that wouldn’t make him panic right now. Delaying the inevitable, probably. His mom? Freak out? Yes. She’d hate him if she knew.   
  
“Yeah,” Noah said quietly, and only the fact that he couldn’t quite meet Luke’s eyes betrayed the steadiness of his voice. “I work at Grimaldi Shipping.”   
  
“You-?” Luke shook his head. “For Damian?” Noah nodded, still looking away. “But what about film school? New York, California?” Noah was supposed to be a filmmaker. Noah was supposed to be doing what made him happy. One of them was supposed to be, right?   
  
Noah shrugged one shoulder. “Things changed.” He didn’t elaborate, and Luke couldn’t bring himself to ask why. Noah was standing in front of him again, close, and he reached out slowly, touching the side of Luke’s face. Luke held still, letting him get the reassurance he seemed to need that this was real. They all really thought that he’d been dead all this time?   
  
He heard Noah’s breath hitch, stuck in his throat, and suddenly his own eyes were welling up.  _God,_  he was just the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen. “Noah.”   
  
Noah exhaled quickly, a soft wounded noise escaping, and pulled Luke close again, their foreheads touching. Luke brought his hands up, holding onto the collar of Noah’s sweater. Maybe he needed that reassurance too. His eyes barely open, he watched Noah move his mouth in closer, stop, move closer again. He smiled a little at the caution, that silent question, and closed the last of the distance between them.   
  
They kissed slowly, gently. And Luke had never felt as right as he did when Noah kissed him. He tightened his grip on Noah’s collar but didn’t strengthen the kiss. They both needed it like this. Noah finally eased back, his hand still on Luke’s face. He smiled just a little (just enough) and flicked back a few strands of Luke’s hair. “It’s darker.”   
  
Luke offered a smile back. He couldn’t really bring himself to say that without a farm, he spent most of his time indoors, and Kentucky mountains didn’t really offer as much space for the sun. His hair had naturally gotten a little brown.   
  
“I work at a coffeeshop,” he murmured, blushing a little. “I live in this crappy apartment with two other guys. They’re good guys. Not really, uh, ambitious, but they’re good friends. You’ll like them, and they’ll definitely like you. And I-”   
  
“Luke,” Noah’s eyes narrowed, confused. “You’re coming home, right? You have to.”   
  
“No I don’t,” he said it immediately, without thinking. The panic and stubbornness set in quicker than anything else ever would. “I can’t.”   
  
“You  _can’t_ ?” Noah let go of him, backing up a few steps as though needing to get a better look at him. It made Luke fidget. “What do you mean? Your family, and everyone, and- and you have to come home.”   
  
“I can’t,” he repeated, almost helplessly. “You don’t understand.”   
  
“Okay. Then tell me,” Noah crossed his arms. “Tell me why you’d rather stay away from your family and friends- your  _life_ \- and let them think you’re dead. God, Luke.”   
  
“You don’t understand, and you couldn’t,” he insisted, defensive, determined. “This is just the way things are now. Maybe I was supposed to have that great life in Oakdale, but that’s gone now. And so am I. Things are better this way.”   
  
“You think things are better?” Noah’s voice was rising, face gaining more color. “Do you? Is your life so much better out here without any of us? A coffeeshop and... and...” He stopped himself. “Because things in Oakdale are _not_  better, Luke. We- people back home could really use your help.”   
  
“No one needs me,” he argued.  _I let my dad die. No one needs someone like that._   
  
But Noah didn’t know that. He flinched instead, like Luke had hit him. “Think about your mom. And grandmothers. Ethan and the girls. You think they don’t need you?”   
  
He said nothing about himself, Luke noticed. Same old Noah. He didn’t need- or, more accurately, didn’t want to need- anyone. “I think they’re better off without me.”   
  
“How can you say that? The Luke I knew would never leave them behind if he knew how much they missed him. And need him.” He got quieter. “Luke, Damian is... he’s pretty much taken over the whole town. But he’s not Holden, and he’s not you. Why aren’t you-” he shook his head again. “Please come home.”   
  
“No.” He said it firmly. This was just the way it had to be.   
  
Noah’s jaw set in that way that told Luke just how angry he was. “They still love you. Why the hell would you let them suffer like this?”   
  
“Things changed,” he threw Noah’s words back in his face, trying to push buttons he counted on still being there. Better this, defensive anger and disappointment, than the panic he always fought to keep at bay. Better this than having them all know it was his fault Holden was dead.   
  
“So... so, what- I’m supposed to go back to  _your_  family and tell them you’re alive but refuse to come home?” Noah’s eyes seemed to shimmer in the light from the sunrise. Luke couldn’t tell if it was from the sun or from tears. It had to be the sun. Noah didn’t cry. “What are you even doing here?”   
  
“What are  _you_  doing here? Why are you here at all?” Luke pushed again, voice rising.   
  
Noah looked away. “Damian sent me to Tennessee for a business meeting, and I...” he swallowed hard, his head ducking for a second with the effort, and that gesture was so familiar that Luke had to lock his knees to stay upright. “I knew what today was. I wanted to be here. I wanted to be near you.” His voice cracked. “Three years, Luke. I haven’t been able to-” he stopped, walked away, back towards the luxury rental car.   
  
_Noah would never drive a car that expensive,_  he told himself fiercely, following Noah against his better judgment. “You don’t have to tell them anything,” he blurted out.   
  
Noah froze right at the car door. “What?” His back still to Luke.   
  
“Mom. Grandmother. Damian, whoever. You don’t have to tell them. That you saw me, that I’m here.” Suddenly he became insistent. “Don’t tell them.”   
  
Noah’s arms came up to brace against the top of the car, as though holding himself up. “How can you ask me to do that?” his voice was small.   
  
Luke pushed away the sound and held strong. “They can’t know. I’m not a part of that life anymore, Noah. It’s been three years, they don’t need everything brought back up again. And I’m not going back. So it’s just better this way.”   
  
Noah’s head dropped forward, shaking. “I can’t. You need to come home.”   
  
“It’s not my home anymore,” he said firmly, much more steady than he actually felt. The universe was really really cruel, to show him Noah again when he couldn’t have him. God damn it, hadn’t he lost enough? “You should go. Forget you saw me.”   
  
Noah finally turned around again, paler than he’d been since seeing Luke alive in front of him. “Don’t you care about... that I-”   
  
“Noah,” Luke shook his head. The idea of Oakdale, of being anywhere near there again, was impossible. A perfect storm of mistakes and guilt and regrets Luke couldn’t face anymore. “You need to forget about me. Let go of it- of the past. Like I did.”   
  
“Yeah?” Noah’s face was somewhere between lost and furious. He yanked the car door open and got in. “Like you did. Of course.” With the window open, Luke couldn’t really escape the look on his face, in his eyes. “I spent the last three years of my life without you,” he spoke more to the steering wheel than to Luke. “What’s a hundred more?”   
  
And then he was driving away. And Luke thought that maybe this was actually the closest he’d ever come to dying.   
  
***   
  
Everything was different now.   
  
He didn’t mean that in a grand sense. He didn’t mean that, since seeing Noah, he was looking at the world differently or his life differently. Okay, maybe he was doing that a little bit too, but at this moment he was talking about something else, something more literal, more real and specific.   
  
He had spent three days moping and brooding after Noah drove away. Not going to work, not really eating. Just drifting between the hours of one roommate coming home and the other going out. Three days, until the dam finally broke and Luke got angry. At himself, at Noah, at God, at everything that made his life what it was now. He threw stuff, broke stuff, possible did damage to a window or maybe it was a mirror but it was definitely some shiny surface he couldn’t remember.   
  
Two hours later there was disaster in his bedroom and two mildly concerned roommates in his doorway. Peter had taken it all in calmly, nodding to himself like this confirmed oh so much. Maybe it did. Luke didn’t have any energy left to glare or deflect questions. Luckily, they didn’t ask any.   
  
“Clearly,” Tim scratched his chin. “You kinda got some issues to work on. And while you’re always gonna be welcome here, for real, maybe- for the sake of your sanity and our drywall- now’s a good time to work on them?”   
  
Luke just stared blankly at them. Something fell off the wall behind him. Had he done that?   
  
Peter clarified. “Go back and fix things, Luke. Fix whatever got you all Hulked out here. This ain’t healthy.”   
  
And now, after a two day bus ride, Luke could definitely say that everything was different. Oakdale. Oakdale was different. The first obvious sign of this was when he got off the bus, directly across from the offices for WorldWide.   
  
WorldWide was gone. The building was still there, but it was marked with a sign reading ‘Grimaldi Worldwide’ now. Grimaldi? Damian?   
  
_Damian is... he’s pretty much taken over the whole town._  Noah’s voice echoed in his head. He hadn’t thought Noah meant this, meant it literally. It couldn’t really be the whole town, right? (And where the hell was Lucinda?)   
  
Luke re-shouldered his backpack and turned, walking down Third Street, trying to figure out where to go first. Worldwide had been the original plan, he figured that out of everyone in Oakdale, his grandmother would be the best to get on his side first (After what just happened in Kentucky, Noah was most definitely out of the picture.)   
  
The next smartest option was Jack. Jack could be rational, Jack was a cop, Jack was...   
  
He rounded the corner to the police station and stopped short once more. Something was wrong, something was (for lack of a better word) different. Jack’s car wasn’t there. Which, okay, maybe he was out on a patrol or a case or whatever. And Margo’s  _was_  there, but not in her normal spot, not in front of the little metal sign that said “Police Chief.”   
  
“Hey, excuse me,” he grabbed the sleeve of a uniformed cop walking by. “Are Detective Snyder and Lieutenant Hughes inside?” The cop didn’t answer him right away, eyeing him suspiciously. “I used to live here as a kid. Just curious,” he lied as fast as he could. And hey- it wasn’t actually a lie.   
  
The cop glanced around, as if checking no one was eavesdropping. “Detective Hughes, yeah. She’s inside.”   
  
“Detective?” Luke echoed. “But I thought she was the Chief, a Lieutenant?”   
  
The cop (Luke dubbed him Sparky in his head. He looked like a Sparky) shrugged. “She used to be. Got demoted like two years ago during the big transition.”   
  
“Transition?” Luke repeated again, trying to sound more casually curious than terrified out of his mind.   
  
“The mayor brought in a new police chief and a few new lieutenants. They bumped down every senior office already here.” The guy shrugged again. “That’s how it goes sometimes. I don’t know any Detective Snyder.”   
  
No Jack? What the hell? “Who’s the mayor now?” he asked, hastening to add, “Maybe I remember him.”   
  
Sparky didn’t even notice the slip-up. “Dan Hawthorne. Know him?”   
  
Yeah, Luke really really did. He’d been one of the executives of Grimaldi Shipping three years ago. “Oh, uh, must’ve been after my time,” he lied lamely. “Thanks.” No way was he going in there, if it was all under Damian’s touch. He wasn’t ready for that yet. Or, you know, ever.   
  
He walked a little more warily now, trying to take in every detail around him as he headed towards Old Town. Things had changed. Noah was right. Everything seemed... grayer. A little emptier. Here and there, storefronts that had been bright and full were gone now, windows dark. Some were even boarded up.   
  
Old Town seemed emptier too. Everything at least  _looked_  the same here, but it felt different. Heavier, like a storm cloud hanging over it all. He turned the corner after Al’s, and stopped short.   
  
The bench. The bench was gone.   
  
Luke stared at the empty bit of brick and sidewalk. He struggled to swallow through a suddenly dry mouth. This was his and Noah’s bench, it was supposed to be there forever. At his most romantic- at his  _only_  brush with romanticism in the last few years- he’d thought of that stupid bench as a monument. Even though things were different now, that bench would always be there as a reminder of what had been.   
  
But no. Like everything else, it was doomed to disappear.   
  
Luke choked on nothing, bringing a fist up to his mouth.  _It’s just a stupid bench_ , he snapped at himself.  _It’s wood. It’s nothing._  Well, that was pretty much true. It really was nothing now.   
  
He was still staring at the nothing when someone suddenly grabbed him from behind. Two arms like iron bands around his chest, lifting him up off the ground by a few inches. “No way no way no way no way no way no way no way-”   
  
He took a guess. “Casey?”   
  
The hug got tighter for a few seconds before he was set back down. “Hi.”   
  
Luke smiled, he couldn’t help it. “Hi.” He turned around, face-to-face with him. “Um, I can explain?”   
  
He was pulled into another bearhug. “Yeah, I bet you can, you fucker. What... you’re, like, alive.”   
  
“Yeah, kinda.” He stepped back enough to get a good look at Casey. For the most part (and Luke wasn’t sure why he expected differently), he looked the same. His hair was cut shorter, but everything else was pure Casey Hughes. That is, until he rubbed a hand over his eyes, and Luke noticed the ring on his left hand. “You...?” He didn’t dare guess who. This was Oakdale, after all.   
  
Casey looked down at his hand, then back up with a smile. “Me and Ali. Two years ago.” He waved a hand, inviting. “Go on, you’re allowed to act shocked that we’re still together.”   
  
Luke just shook his head. He’d been shocked enough in the past couple days. “You guys are happy?”   
  
A shadow passed, a millisecond long, across Casey’s face before disappearing. “Yeah, we are now. For the most part.” Before Luke could question it, he continued, “Things are just... stuff has changed since you’ve been dead, man. Lots of stuff.”   
  
Luke looked around, eyes landing on where his bench should be. “Yeah, I noticed.”   
  
“Does anyone else know you’re here? Alive?” Casey half-turned and started walking away from Old Town, Luke unconsciously following.   
  
“No.” He wanted to leave it at that, but his stupid mouth betrayed him. “I saw Noah a few days ago. We both showed up at... where it happened.”   
  
Casey winced. “Fuck. Bet that went well.”   
  
“Not really,” he said, proud and surprised at how steady his voice sounded. “He’s... he looks...” it ended with shrug.   
  
“Yeah,” Casey twitched a little. “He does look.” Casey glanced around, as though expecting to be followed. “Have you seen your family yet? I mean,” he blew out a long breath. “Do you have time right now? You’ve missed a lot, man. A lot.”   
  
Luke wasn’t sure he could bring himself to see (what was left of) his family right now. “I have time. Can we get coffee? Java?”   
  
Casey twitched again. “It closed down awhile ago. We can get some at Al’s though, come on.”   
  
“Java’s gone?” He didn’t stop in his tracks, but it was a near thing.   
  
Casey just grumbled under his breath. “Part of me thinks he got rid of it just so Noah couldn’t go back to working there.”   
  
“Casey, what the hell is going on?” he scrambled to keep up with Casey’s pace now.   
  
“Damian,” Casey answered. “He’s taken over everything, Luke. The mayor is run out of his pocket. The police. Half the businesses in town were bought up by Grimaldi. He took over Worldwide and ran your grandmother out of town. Jack is out of a job. My mom got demoted. Your aunt, Meg, she’s in some, like, mental institution. Half the hospital board is bribed by him.”   
  
“God...” Luke almost stumbled, but Casey just grabbed his arm and pulled him along. “What-?”   
  
“He and your mom are together,” Casey said this quietly, gently. “They live at your mom’s house. The kids live with them sometimes, but they spend a lot of time at the farm with Emma.” They turned a corner and walked past Metro. It was still there, but the name was different. Something Italian. (Or Maltese?)   
  
“She works at the Lakeview?”   
  
“Some,” Casey hedged. “Damian bought it from her, so technically she, uh, works for him. Noah does too. They’re both... Damian looks after them both. A lot.” Casey’s tone verged on bitter at that point.   
  
“Does he...” Luke slowed down as they approached Al’s. It looked surprisingly, thankfully, the same. But maybe that was why he couldn’t get his feet to go any closer.   
  
Luckily, Casey noticed. “Wait here. I’ll get some cups to go.”   
  
***   
  
“Okay, this should be good,” Casey dragged Luke down to the bench at the edge of the gazebo. Luke looked around as they sat, taking it in. He’d forgotten all about this park; there’d never been a need to go when they had their own pond at the farm. “So.”   
  
“So,” Luke echoed, twisting his hands around in his lap.   
  
“You’re not a zombie,” Casey pointed out, possibly in complete seriousness. “So I’m guessing you didn’t actually die in that car accident.”   
  
“No,” Luke shook his head. “I got free of the car before...” he trailed off, and thankfully Casey got it.   
  
“So you spent some time away dealing with it, and now you’re back?” he way,  _way_  oversimplified. Luke nodded gratefully, and he nodded back. They both recognized the presence of a ‘there’s way more to this story’ cloud hanging over Luke, but they both ignored it for now. “So, um, are you back for real?”   
  
“I don’t know yet,” he answered honestly.   
  
Casey just nodded again. He got it. Maybe. “Well, is there any other stuff you want to know? I know I gave you the crappy rundown, but want me to fill you in on the good Oakdale gossip you’ve missed?”   
  
He’d meant it as a joke, at least Luke thought he did, but he decided to take it seriously. “Tell me about Noah.”   
  
Casey’s cautious smile slipped away. “What?”   
  
“Noah. What’s happened to him since- since I left.” Luke stumbled over the words. It felt kinda wrong, like spying or invading some bit of privacy, but it was Noah. Luke was allowed.   
  
Casey’s frown didn’t really help though. “I, uh, I guess I could. I mean, I probably know more about him than most, and...” he stopped, then continued. “And I guess there’s some stuff you should know.”   
  
He ignored that last sentence- the implication was too much to let himself think about. “You probably know more than most?”   
  
Casey nodded. “We’re friends. Me and Alison, we got close to him. He lived with Ali for awhile after his first surgery.” Casey had been fidgeting, but he stopped and looked straight at Luke when he said those last words.   
  
Luke just stared back. “Surgery?”  _First_  surgery? “Casey, what-?”   
  
Casey rolled up his sleeves, and Luke wasn’t sure if it was out of habit or because he needed to prepare just that much. “I’m not gonna tell you everything, Luke. At least, even of what I know, I’m only telling as much as I feel comfortable. Don’t interrupt me, okay? It’s gonna suck. A lot. It sucked going through it, it’s gonna suck retelling it. Just let me get through. Okay?”   
  
Luke swallowed around a suddenly dry mouth. He wanted to kick himself too. Of course. Of course Oakdale hadn’t been perfect while he’d been gone, there was always drama and chaos going on. Why had he thought Noah would stay untouched from it? “Okay,” he whispered.   
  
Casey began quietly, slowly. “After you died, it was... I mean, not a shock that Noah wasn’t doing well. It was hard. And we kept waiting for him to break down, but he was all, I don’t know, ‘Noah’ about it. All he did was work and work. At Java and school and his film.” Casey stopped there, pointedly.   
  
His film. And even three years later, Luke’s thoughts clouded darkly around one person. “Mason.”   
  
“Yeah.”   
  
Casey took a sip of his coffee, while Luke stared. A remnant of ‘old him’ was bristling and angry at Mason, at Noah for not believing him when he’d warned about something like this. “What did he do?”   
  
“Luke, you were gone. You were dead. Noah was hurting and grieving and confused. He wasn’t taking care of himself. Ali and Maddie and I, we were trying, but we couldn’t always be there for him. I think we reminded him too much of you sometimes, or maybe he thought he shouldn’t bother us, we were going through our own shit at the time, I don’t know. And because of your mom, your family wasn’t-” he cut himself off again. “You don’t get to be mad at Noah. Got it?”   
  
Luke sat back, Casey’s words had pushing him there. “O-okay.” He needed to hear the rest of the story. ( _It’s not a story. It’s Noah’s life, you dumbass._ )   
  
Casey sighed, calming down a little. “He broke it off really quick, okay? He knew it was wrong. But like a week later, after I found out, it just got scary. Mason wouldn’t let it go. He was showing up everywhere, calling him a lot, threatening his grade, everything. Noah stopped going to classes, he was pretty close to dropping out of school. It was bad.” Casey scowled. “He stopped working on his movie. If that doesn’t tell you how bad it got...”   
  
Luke felt a little like throwing up. This couldn’t be real, this couldn’t have really happened. “Is that why he’s working for Damian?”   
  
Casey’s frown just deepened at the mention of Damian. “Damian already had his claws in at this point. I don’t know how, but he found out about Mason’s stalking. He had the jackass fired from OU, and Mason left town the next day. No one’s heard from him since.”   
  
He swallowed hard again. They hadn’t even gotten to... “Surgery?” he managed to prompt.   
  
“Noah went back to school, but he wasn’t, I don’t know, like he had been. He wasn’t as focused or something. He was trying to film something with fireworks, and I don’t know what happened exactly, but they went off in his face. He fell and...” Casey stopped, looked away.   
  
“How bad?”   
  
“He kinda died,” Casey said softly. “Sort of. They had to restart his heart. And emergency surgery, bleeding in his brain, and...” Words just tumbled out of him without stopping, piling on top of Luke. “When he woke up he was blind.”   
  
“He was... no.” Luke couldn’t have that be real, he couldn’t let it be. No. That wasn’t supposed to happen to Noah. Not to anyone, but especially not him.   
  
But Casey and the universe didn’t listen to him. “For six months.The only reason he can see now is because Damian bribed this hotshot surgeon guy to come and operate on him and fix him. So to speak.”   
  
So to speak. “He seems okay now,” Luke murmured.   
  
Casey shook his head, throwing him a skeptical look. "We all do, don’t we? But we’re not. Look around, Luke, look at this town.” Casey fiddled with the lid of his coffee cup. "He tried- tries- to act like old Noah but sometimes I don't know." Another small smile. "I don’t know. He gave Ali away at our wedding."   
  
Luke's heart broke a little at the seemingly random comment, picturing it. He bet it had been kinda beautiful. He could picture Noah smiling down at Ali, that same smile he had always given Luke's sisters when they hugged him.   
  
His sisters. God, he didn’t even know anything about them now. Faith was in high school. Natalie in junior high. Ethan was probably in kindergarten, or first grade?   
  
His thoughts trailed off again at the look on Casey’s face. It was that ‘please don’t punch me’ element combined with ‘what I’m about to tell you isn’t my fault’ expression that he used to give Margo all the time. “What?” he prompted. Of course there was more. Why wouldn’t there be more?   
  
He took another sip of his coffee, even though Luke could tell the cup was empty. Casey just needed something to do. “Noah’s kinda... with someone right now. But not serious,” he hastened to add. “They’re, like, casual or something. No one really knows.”   
  
Luke ignored any and all feelings. Any of them, all of them. Nope. “Noah doesn’t do casual,” was what came out of his mouth in response. He could hold onto that, that was just a universal truth.   
  
Casey just shrugged, finally giving up on the empty coffee cup, using the pretext of throwing it away to avoid looking at Luke. “There’s a lot Noah does now that he didn’t before you died.”   
  
***   
  
The girls were already arguing; he could hear it as he entered the porch. He rolled his shoulders to loosen them, then set them determinedly. He didn’t care if it was about Damian or breakfast or boybands, it’d be over before they left for school, he’d make sure of that. He entered the kitchen cautiously.   
  
“But you  _have_  to!” Natalie protested, arms crossed, eyes flashing with the tears that came more from being angry than anything else.   
  
Faith kept up an exterior of boredom, but there was some anger and desperation in her face too. “I don’t have to do anything. No one’s making me go if  _he’s_  going to be there.”   
  
And then Noah knew what the fuss was about. “Wrong,” he let the door shut behind him, eyes ticking to helpless, frustrated Emma by the stove before looking at Faith again. “I’m making you.”   
  
He didn’t stop moving, kept up his calm, confident demeanor as he walked past both girls to the table where Ethan was bouncing happily in his seat, beckoning Noah over. Noah grinned at him as he sat down, immediately reaching for the sneakers he knew would be untied on Ethan’s feet.   
  
“Noah,” Faith whined, coming closer. Natalie was on her heels, wisely keeping quiet.   
  
“Faith,” Noah countered, tying one of Ethan’s shoes quickly. “It’s Nat’s first dance recital of the year. You should be there.” He finished the right sneaker, and Ethan quickly propped his left sneaker on Noah’s lap, knowing the drill. It wasn’t like Ethan couldn’t tie them on his own now, but this was just their thing.   
  
“If Damian’s going to be there, then I’m not,” she finally got out her real reason for refusing.   
  
Noah reached out and tapped Natalie’s elbow, guiding her back to the table and her half-eaten breakfast. “Yeah, he’s going to be there. But-” he fixed her with a look when she tried to interrupt. “So will I. And your Grandma, and Ethan, and your cousins.” He raised one eyebrow pointedly. “And your sister. So maybe the good’s going to outweigh the bad and you can put up with it.”   
  
“Mom’s not even going,” Faith tried one last argument, if a little weakly.   
  
Noah didn’t flinch at that, though he wanted to. He knew why Lily wasn’t going, and hated himself a little for it. “All the more reason for Nat to have more people cheering for her.” He didn’t say it, but Faith obviously heard the unspoken,  _So you want to be like your mom, then?_   
  
Faith was quiet for another minute, weighing her options and trying not to notice the sad yet hopeful expression on her sister’s face. “Fine,” she finally sighed. “But you have to make breakfast the next day.”   
  
“Pancakes!” Ethan cheered. “You have to make berry-chocolate this time.”   
  
Noah fought to keep his face impassive, turning to Ethan. “I didn’t know you were part of these negotiations.” Faith smiled out of the corner of his eye, so he let himself relax secretly. He sensed Emma do the same, coming close to clear away breakfast dishes.   
  
“Pancakes,” Ethan pointed out in response.   
  
Noah gave a loud, exaggerated sigh. “Pancakes,” he agreed. “It’s a deal.”   
  
Emma put a travel mug of coffee in front of him, kissed the top of his head. “I approve. Now all of you get going, you girls are going to miss your bus!” She handed out paper bags of lunch to the girls, giving Ethan’s to Noah.   
  
A few more kisses from her, Noah reminding Natalie that her homework was probably still sitting in the den on the coffee table (it was), and the girls rushed out, chatting happily, fight forgotten. Ethan was pulling on his own backpack (G.I Joe toys, two storybooks, and one spelling list inside), bouncing on his feet by the door while Noah helped Emma with the last of the dishes.   
  
“You missed dinner last night,” Emma said quietly, almost sounding casual.   
  
“Sorry,” he said immediately, unsure of what else he could say. Truth be told, he’d been trying to avoid them all week, ever since getting back from Kentucky. It was hard to be around them, now knowing what he knew.  _Luke._ He wasn’t sure what to tell them, and he didn’t know how. “Been catching up on work.”   
  
“Of course,” she just nodded. “You do know you tend to cut your sentences short when you’re trying to avoid talking about something, right?”   
  
He almost jerked and sent soap flying across the kitchen, but he’d actually gotten used to Emma’s observations by this point. “Yeah. Um, sorry.” It was all he could come up. Lame, lame, lame.   
  
“You should come tonight instead. I’m already cooking for ten people, one more won’t hurt.”   
  
Emma was sneaky like that, but Noah was probably more stubborn. Or practical, at least. “Is Lily going to be here?”   
  
Her hesitation told him everything. And told him that he wouldn’t be coming to dinner that night.   
  
\---   
  
_Noah hates funerals.  
  
That isn’t exactly a groundbreaking statement, it’s not like anyone is ever really walking into a funeral upbeat and happy, but still. It feels like Noah has been to a few funerals every year of his life before he finally got away from his dad. Military funerals were all rigid and formal and planned out to the very last second. Noah always had his role to play. He hated it.  
  
But this?  
  
He hates this so much it hurts. Or he hates this so much because it hurts. One of the two.  
  
If it weren’t for Aaron walking next to him up to the church, he’s pretty sure he’d be making a break for it. But Luke would want him to be here, he reminds himself. Luke wouldn’t want him spending this day alone, no matter how much Noah wants to be.  
  
The family is gathering off to the side just outside the steps- Damian with his arm around Lily (Noah tries not to frown at that, Damian really has been supportive of everyone since the accident, even him), Lucinda with the girls and Ethan, Emma and Jack, Brad and Meg, a few Snyder siblings Noah has never met.  
  
They’re starting to walk in when Noah and Aaron approach, Ethan waving to Noah as Lucinda takes them inside. Lily’s eyes- as tired and tear streaked as they’ve been all week- flash when she sees Noah. “No.”  
  
His footsteps falter, thrown by what sounds like anger in her tone. Aaron stops next to him, also confused. “What?” Aaron pats down his suit, as though trying to find something wrong with it.  
  
Lily shakes her head, eyes never leaving Noah. “He’s not sitting with us.”  
  
His chest really hurts now, tight and heavy. “M-Mrs. Snyder, I-” He always does this. So many adults in this town insist on being called by their first names, but whenever he’s nervous or unsettled he ends up reverting back to old habits.  
  
“Lily,” Damian’s voice is almost too soothing. “He deserves to be here too.”  
  
He probably doesn’t meant to, but it makes Noah feel worse. He deserves to be at the funeral he’s partially responsible for, right? He keeps quiet, words failing, afraid to say the wrong thing when he’s already done so much wrong. He’s done everything wrong.  
  
Lily obviously agrees. She weakly pushes Damian away, still almost defiantly- or maybe desperately- confronting Noah. “Why was Luke on that trip?” She isn’t asking it like she wants an answer. She’s asking it like she already knows the answer. Which is convenient, because he still can’t get himself to speak. “Why was he there? He wasn’t supposed to be, but you- What did you say to make him go? It’s-”  
  
It’s your fault.  
  
“Hey,” Aaron steps between them, almost as angry. “That’s not fair. Noah’s a part of the family. He’s sitting with-”  
  
“Aaron,” he finally gets himself to talk, forcing the words out. He shakes his head. “It’s okay.” The last thing he wants to do is cause a scene today. Emma doesn’t need that. The girls and Ethan don’t need that. And, honestly, neither do he and Lily. “It’s fine.”  
  
Aaron gives him a look that says it really isn’t fine, but maybe he doesn’t want to cause a scene either. Damian gives him an apologetic look as he leads Lily into the church. Aaron glares half-heartedly at both of them, then turns and waves to someone behind Noah. “Are you sure?”  
  
Noah shrugs. “I’ll see you after.” After Holden and Luke are laid to rest. Forever. Gone.  
  
Aaron still looks doubtful, but his gaze focuses once more on someone behind Noah. “Hey,” he calls out quietly.  
  
Noah turns just as Casey, Alison, and Maddie walk up. Judging by the looks on their faces, they’ve seen- if not heard- what just happened. “Noah,” Ali says quietly, her hand going to his arm. “Come sit with us, okay?” Maddie threads her arm through his other one.  
  
And while it seems a little fucked up and wrong to sit with his ex-girlfriend at his boyfriend’s funeral, it isn’t like he has much of choice.  
  
Lily’s right in some ways (a lot of ways), after all. If he hadn’t convinced Luke to go on the trip, would any of this have happened?_   
  
\---   
  
Emma just looked even sadder. “Yes, she is.” She added quickly, “But you should come anyway. This thing between you two is silly, and I don’t like that you spend so much time alone in that apartment.”   
  
She always said ‘that’ apartment, not ‘your’ apartment. Probably because she felt the same way about the place as he did. Still, he shrugged, offered her his most charming smile- his ‘sales meeting’ smile. “Well, that’s why I come here for your breakfasts every morning.”   
  
She smiled and sighed at the same time. “Noah,” she shook her head, wiping her hands on a dishtowel as she followed him over to the door. “Honey, I really think...” she trailed off with another smile-sigh as Noah swept Ethan up and around to hook onto his shoulders, backpack and lunch bag and all.   
  
“It’s school time, Grandma,” Ethan announced, trying to sternly wag his finger at Emma. “And Noah can’t be late for work.” And god if Noah didn’t love this little kid a lot.   
  
He squeezed his arms around Ethan for a second in a thank you the boy would never understand, then leaned them both forward and down towards Emma. “What else do you say to Grandma?” he prompted.   
  
Ethan kissed her cheek. “Have a good day, I love you!”   
  
She kissed him back, completing the ritual. “You too, darling.” They had a lot of rituals by this point. She looked back at Noah, eyes going sad again. Maybe almost disappointed. “Dinner?”   
  
Noah swallowed back the guilt and the tiny bitterness at, well, everyone, and smiled. He kissed her other cheek. “Have a good day, I love you.” He repeated Ethan’s words, his tone serious.   
  
She patted his arm, face softening. “You too, honey.” She handed him his coffee. “I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.”   
  
He nodded, smiled again- pretty sure it was genuine- and walked with Ethan out to his car. Another day had begun.


	3. Wide-Eyed Wanderer

Luke endured a marathon of hugs and tears from Alison when Casey ushered him into their apartment. It took a few more minutes to get her up to speed on it all, and by the time they were sitting down, relatively calm, Luke realized he’d been in Oakdale for four hours without wanting to run back out of town. That was pretty impressive.   
  
He sat on the couch with Ali, looking at pictures of Gwen and Will and Hallie, not really paying attention to Casey who paced in the kitchen with his phone. “She’s beautiful,” he murmured, tracing a photo of the happy family.   
  
“Yeah, she is,” Ali sighed happily.   
  
Luke looked up at her searchingly. “You and Casey, are you two...?”   
  
She laughed. “Oh God, not anytime soon. I’m just now finally used to living with  _him._  What if I ended up having a boy and there were two Caseys running around? I’m not ready for that.”   
  
He grinned and half-shuddered at the thought. “But a little Alison running around might be nice,” he pointed out.   
  
Ali stared for a second, then smiled and shook her head. “Noah said the same thing,” she said softly.   
  
His breath stuttered, but he was pretty sure he covered it well. “I bet he did.” He cleared his throat, looked away, looked back again. “Casey won’t let me, but I want to thank you both for, I don’t know, being there for him.”   
  
She nodded, still smiling. “He’s our friend,” was her answer. Then she sat forward, tossing the pictures onto the coffee table, and wrapped an arm around him, hugging again. “And you are too. I’m so glad you’re here, Luke. I missed you. Lots.”   
  
He hugged her back, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “I missed you too.”   
  
She pulled back a little, wiping her eyes. “With everything we heard after your accident, all the weird stuff, I just-”   
  
“What weird stuff?” Luke’s eyes narrowed.   
  
“Oh, um,” she fumbled for a second, wincing, then deflated. “It happened in Kentucky, so their police department investigated, but Margo looked into it, as a favor to Jack. And my sister did too, just because.” Of course. Emily always loved a good story.   
  
“And?” he pressed.   
  
“Margo and Emily found some suspicious, um, things about the accident. Something with the car, and something about the way the police handled it there, I don’t know specifics,” she shrugged apologetically. “They both tried to look into it, but never got anywhere. And then Margo...” she waved her hand. “I guess you know.”   
  
“Yeah,” he murmured, thinking of the empty, unfamiliar police station.   
  
Alison eyed him carefully. “Do you, uh, do you remember anything? About the accident?”   
  
Luke was about to shake his head instinctively, he’d blocked those memories for three years, but there was a sudden flash of something, an image, a noise, something.  _The truck jerked abruptly under them, startling them both._  He blinked hard and flinched, shaking a little.   
  
“Luke?” Ali’s hand was on his shoulder, steadying and concerned.   
  
“Something happened,” he said numbly. “With the truck. I think. Does that- did they think it wasn’t an accident?” he demanded.   
  
“I don’t know, Luke. No one does, that’s the thing,” Ali looked up, almost guiltily, when Casey entered the room, eyeing them both.   
  
“You told him?” he asked, not quite demanding or angry, but definitely not happy. She just nodded.   
  
“Somebody caused the accident?” he asked both of them now.   
  
Casey sighed, twisting his phone between his fingers. “No one knows, dude. All the people who wanted to investigate it were out of a job before they could do anything. My mom included.” He waved his phone. “Hope you don’t mind, but I told them- my parents- that you’re here. Whether you stay in town or you don’t, there’s legal stuff that has to be taken care of. They can help.”   
  
“Whether you stay in town or not?” Ali repeated. “Why would you leave? You’re home, aren’t you?” Her grip on his shoulder tightened, as though needing to keep him in place.   
  
He shrugged his other shoulder. “I don’t know. Yeah, I want to... Is there any way I can look at reports or something from the accident? Maybe it’ll help jog my memories?” Wait, why was he doing this? Why was he pushing this? Why was he  _trying_ ?   
  
“There’s probably final reports in your medical files at the hospital,” Ali said slowly, uncertainly. “But Luke-”   
  
“Will you guys help me?” he tried to hold back from pleading, but it was a near thing. “I need to do this.” Something started stirring in him, something almost forgotten. Determination. Too much curiosity.   
  
Ali still hesitated. “Does Noah know you’re here?”   
  
“He knows I’m alive,” Luke hedged, heart thudding in his chest again.  _Noah._  “Will you guys help me?”   
  
Casey looked over to Ali. She looked back at him, stammering. “I don’t know. It... this feels like going behind Noah’s back. He should be a part of this. Or at least know about it.” Casey smiled sweetly at her, relieved, obviously agreeing.   
  
Luke sat back, studying them both. He chuckled somewhat. “There was a time when you would’ve chosen me over Noah,” he said before he could stop himself.   
  
Casey closed his eyes with a half-laugh of his own. And Ali, Ali started glaring. “This isn’t about that, Luke. But if it was, I’d like to remind you that you’ve been gone for three years.”   
  
“I didn’t mean-”   
  
“And in those three years, you could’ve called or written or done any kind of thing to tell us you were alive,” she barreled on. “We’re not choosing anyone over anyone. We love you. But three years ago and every day since? You didn’t choose us.”   
  
Luke winced. That was really, painfully, true. “I’m sorry,” he offered, wishing there were better words in the English language for situations like this.   
  
Ali sighed, her hand back to his shoulder. “I know. Me too.”   
  
He glanced over at her hopefully. “So, you’ll help?”   
  
Ali looked to Casey, to Luke, back to Casey, back to Luke. Casey shrugged, coming to sit next to her. And then, finally, Casey spoke up. “Yeah. We will. If it helps finally make all of this right again, we’ll help.”   
  
Ali took Casey’s hand in hers, nodding. “First stop is probably the hospital. We can find the medical records there, if we sneak in and don’t get caught.” She shook her head, muttering, “Feels like we’re back in college again.”   
  
“Hey!” both Luke and Casey protested indignantly.   
  
Ali just smiled, leaned over and kissed Luke’s cheek. “Welcome home, Luke.”   
  
He didn’t have the heart to argue. But he wasn’t home, not really, not yet. Maybe not ever.   
  
***   
  
Noah straightened his tie unconsciously as he opened the door to Damian’s office. It was his last and only bit of armor. He bought his own ties. His suits, his shoes, eighty percent of his work clothes- they were Grimaldi money. Eighty percent of his life was Grimaldi money. But the ties were his.   
  
He knocked lightly on the door as it opened. “Good morning.”   
  
Damian looked up from a desk that seemed way too big and grandiose for how much Damian probably used it. “Noah. Good morning, son.”   
  
Noah didn’t grimace at that anymore. He wasn’t even sure when he stopped. “I, um, I have the contracts from the Nashville trip signed and ready for processing.”   
  
He didn’t even realized his slip until Damian looked up from his paperwork, an eyebrow raised. “Everything okay, Noah?”   
  
Shit. He hadn’t stuttered like that in years. Damian had coached the ‘ums’ out of him when he started working for him, he didn’t show weaknesses like that anymore. And why was he doing it now?  _Luke Luke Luke._  “Fine. It’s just been a long week. I’ll be rested up and better by Monday.”   
  
“I have absolute faith that you will be,” Damian smiled slightly, focus already going back to his paperwork. Noah hated himself for just a second, for that sliver of satisfaction he felt at having Damian’s approval.   
  
Noah waited silently in front of him as he finished up, knowing Damian wouldn’t speak to him again until after he was done. Damian never said anything, but Noah knew this kind of self control had always impressed him. He snapped back to attention when Damian set aside the stack of forms, focusing on him instead.   
  
“Well,” Damian nodded. “It’s nearing the end of the month.” He gestured for Noah to take a seat in front of him. Noah did so slowly, gathering himself for the conversation they were about to have, the same one they had at the end of every month. Damian continued, “Rent and utilities are paid for. As are the maintenance on the car and the latest payment of your medical bills.”   
  
Noah just nodded in return, knowing better than to protest or comment in any way. He couldn’t handle paying for any of those things on his own, even if he was paid like the other Grimaldi employees. He needed Damian’s help to manage his life right now.   
  
It wouldn’t be forever. Noah promised himself this every month. Someday, he’d be able to take care of everything himself.   
  
“Now, for the rest of it,” Damian settled even more into his giant leather chair. Noah was half-convinced Damian had gotten the thing because it reminded him of every villain in every James Bond film, but he never said this out loud. “I’m stopping by City Hall today, so everything will be in order for that as well.”   
  
Noah nodded. “And...” he almost stuttered again. No way could he do that twice in front of Damian, in the same meeting. No way. He cleared his throat to cover for it. “The other thing?”   
  
Damian smiled that reassuring smile, the placating one, the one he used all the time for Noah and Lily. Like they needed special treatment or something. “You have nothing to worry about.”   
  
He reacted just a little, sagging down in his seat in relief. Good. Okay. Noah could make it another month, with that guarantee. Another month of safety. And it was all thanks to Damian. Noah had to believe that some part of him was a good man for doing all of this for Noah, for Lily, for all of them. He had to believe it.   
  
Otherwise...   
  
Noah shook himself internally, nodding to Damian once more. “Good. Thank you. Really,” he added, meaning it. Hoping Damian knew he meant it.   
  
Damian smiled again, understanding. “Before you go, I wanted to say, I know you were traveling back home on the day of the anniversary. I’m sorry you couldn’t be here with the family for it.”   
  
Like Lily would have let him be with the family that day anyway. Still, Noah appreciated the sentiment, useless as it was. He allowed himself to smile a little too. “I know. It’s okay.”   
  
“You haven’t said anything about your trip beyond how the meeting went,” Damian commented, studying him in a different way now. “Anything to report?”   
  
Noah almost hesitated again, confused. Was he supposed to have done something else? “No sir.” Hell, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to tell Damian about running into his legally declared dead son. The former love of Noah’s life. The current.... Noah had no idea. But he knew he couldn’t tell Damian. Damian would either think he was crazy or... or stop helping Noah with his life. Everything Damian was doing openly or behind the scenes- Noah couldn’t risk those things.   
  
Damian looked like he wanted to say something else, maybe question him again, but stopped. He smiled instead. “Very well then. I think we’re all done here, I’ll see you after lunch for the staff meeting.”   
  
“Not today,” Noah corrected slowly. “It’s the twenty-ninth, I have-”   
  
“Your checkup, of course. I forgot,” Damian was back in work mode, waving Noah towards the door. “Good luck. Let me know if you need anything.”   
  
Noah was out the door before he could answer that. It was unnecessary, anyway. He didn’t have to let Damian know anything, somehow he’d already know. It’d be creepy if Noah wasn’t used to it. Now, it was just his life.   
  
***   
  
Ali felt a little ridiculous sneaking Luke into the hospital. She hadn’t done something this stupid in years, having to look both ways before turning every corner, checking over her shoulder to make sure a) Luke was still with her and b) no one recognized him.   
  
God, Noah was going to kill her. Or worse, give her that ‘I’m so disappointed, why would you hurt me’ puppy dog face. Puppies were not supposed to be judgmental, she wanted to point out. The only reason she didn’t call him out on it was because she was pretty sure Noah still wasn’t doing the puppy look on purpose. Damn him and his stupid adorableness. She hated not telling him about this. How was he going to feel about Luke actually being alive, back home, everything?   
  
“Records are around the next corner,” she told Luke quietly, trying not to arouse any suspicion. It would be just their luck for Chris or Bob to walk past them, or her mom, or, even worse-   
  
“Ms. Stewart-Hughes.”   
  
Reid.   
  
Damn it.   
  
She plastered on a smile, trying to stand as much in front of Luke as she could. “Dr. Oliver, hi.”   
  
Reid studied her with his practiced stare. Unlike with Noah, Ali was sure Reid knew exactly what he was doing when he used that expression. “I wasn’t aware you were on shift today.”   
  
She grinned cheerfully, knowing anything cheerful annoyed him to no end. “I wasn’t aware you knew my schedule so well!”   
  
He scowled, just a little. “I like to know which incompetent nurses I’ll be dealing with on any given day.”   
  
Ali rolled her eyes, knowing by this point that he was (mostly) all bark and no bite. “I’m just here to pick up my check,” she explained, quickly adding as Reid’s gaze shifted to the person behind her, “And helping this poor guy find his way to radiology. So if you’ll excuse me...” She started to lead Luke away.   
  
“Is your friend going to show up for his appointment today?” Reid called out before they were out of sight around the corner.   
  
“Shouldn’t you know that? He’s  _your_  boyfriend,” she fired back.   
  
“Oh yeah,” he said blandly. “I keep forgetting.”   
  
Another eye roll as they finally got away. “Don’t ask,” she told Luke.   
  
He did anyway. “Who the hell was that?”   
  
“Dr. Reid Oliver,” she answered, not wanting to say much more. Especially not to Luke. “Don’t worry, he doesn’t grow on you.”   
  
“Charming,” Luke snorted.   
  
Ali swallowed back a sigh. If only Luke knew...   
  
***   
  
The espresso was waiting for him when he got to the exam room. So was the patient. “You’re early.”   
  
“You say that every time, like it’s ever going to be different,” Noah was already perched on the hospital bed, outer layers shed until he was just in a short sleeve undershirt and his suit pants.   
  
Reid would never admit he liked it better when Noah used to wear jeans and a t-shirt. Just like he’d never admit that he knew Noah liked it better too. Those were things they didn’t do.   
  
“One day, Mayer. One of these days. You will be late, and I will gloat.” He pulled his stethoscope free from his neck.   
  
“You gloat enough already,” Noah pulled the neckline of his shirt down for better access.   
  
They went through their normal check-up routines, and Reid didn’t speak again until he was tracking Noah’s field of vision, moving one finger up and down, back and forth. “So, Saturday night.”   
  
“Yeah?” Noah always concentrated so hard on these tests. It was stupidly endearing.   
  
“I can come by with food and beer,” he suggested. “I’m willing to put up with some stupid artsy movie if it means I can choose the pizza toppings.”   
  
Noah frowned. “I thought you had a date with that Danny guy.”   
  
Reid grimaced. “No. We broke up on Monday.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Because I like to start my week off right.”   
  
“No, why did you break up?” Noah eased back, blinking hard against Reid’s penlight.   
  
Reid clicked it off, sliding it back in his pocket. “He was annoying. Too cheerful. And what thirty-six year old still calls himself  _Danny_ ? You’re an adult. Dan or Daniel. Pick one.”   
  
Noah laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, that really sounds like an adult justification for breaking up with someone.”   
  
He smirked. “You want an adult reason? The sex was really bad too. He had this move where he-”   
  
He still got way too much pleasure out of making Noah blush. “Please stop.”   
  
He patted Noah’s shoulder. “So. Saturday.”   
  
Noah shrugged. “Sure.” He started to button his dress shirt back up, the sign that (even though it was almost five o’clock), Noah was heading back to the office. “You know, one of these days people are going to figure out that we’re not dating.”   
  
Reid was too busy making a note on Noah’s chart to shrug back. “So? They haven’t yet. It works for us.”   
  
And it really did. People maybe didn’t understand or condone it (at least in Noah’s camp), but as long as people thought they were together, nobody bothered them. Emma Snyder and Alison and whoever else didn’t worry about Noah being too alone (Reid maybe did that for them, sometimes, maybe), and Katie didn’t try to set Reid up with every gay or seemingly gay man in the state of Illinois. (Jesus, that ‘seemingly gay’ one had been awkward.) Win-win.   
  
Plus, Reid gained a fairly quiet and fairly intelligent person to eat pizza with once a week. He wouldn’t call Noah a ‘friend’ exactly, mostly because that word made him break out into hives, but they had a good, harmless, not-annoying thing between them. Seriously. The quiet was nice. His other... tolerable acquaintances in this town were not quiet. That was all Reid could ask for.   
  
Which is why he didn’t really want to ruin it. Which is why he didn’t really want to say what he was about to say. “By the way, is Alison cheating on Casey Hughes?”   
  
Noah choked on the sip of coffee he had just been taking (Reid timed these things so well). “What? No! Why?”   
  
He shrugged, pretending there was more to fill out on Noah’s chart. “I just saw her here earlier with another guy. Your age, kinda blond but not. Too pretty looking for my tastes, but maybe not for hers.”   
  
He sensed Noah stutter a little, starting to wonder.  _Good, Noah. Think._  There was no way he was actually going to be the one to tell Noah that the formerly deceased love of his life was back- that was so not his forte- but he did want to prepare Noah a little, if he could. “Ali wouldn’t cheat,” is all Noah said.   
  
“I hope not,” Reid said blandly. “Because the guy was definitely gay. So the affair probably wouldn’t work out in the long run.”   
  
Noah’s hands stopped re-tying his tie for a second. “He was gay? You’re sure?”   
  
_There it is._  “My gaydar is never wrong, Mayer.” Unlike Katie’s.   
  
He watched Noah again out of the corner of his eyes, knowing better than to offer to help him tie that thing. That hadn’t gone over so well the first and only time he’d tried.   
  
Noah was smoothing down the material, straightening his collar. His hands were shaking, which almost caused Reid to make a facial expression. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen Noah actually rattled over something. Even when they’d first met, Noah hadn’t been one for outward displays of... anything..   
  
\---   
  
_Reid is not easily perplexed. Hardly, if ever, does that happen. He really truly does not like the feeling. Which is maybe why he scowls extra hard at this current patient.  
  
Not that the guy can see him, of course.  
  
The (one, only) benefit to being in a small town is hearing every bit of news on every single person. So Reid already knows all about Noah Mayer. Or so he thought until this moment.  
  
Noah isn’t a hot-headed kid. He doesn’t seem angry, or even all that sullen. He’s not whiny, but he’s also not one of those overly-bubbly ‘when life gives you lemons’ types either. (Thank God.) In fact, he’s barely said a word the whole appointment, besides yes or no answers to Reid’s questions.  
  
He should just leave it at that. He really should. He’s finally come across a patient who doesn’t annoy the shit out of him; he should leave it alone. But he can’t help it, he has to poke at the hornet’s nest. Maybe just to see if there is a hornet in there somewhere.  
  
“So you’re the one with the dead boyfriend, right? I have such a hard time remembering which patient is which around here,” is how he starts their first conversation. Noah raises an eyebrow in his general direction, but doesn’t respond otherwise. Reid waits, wondering if the silence will be oppressive enough to crack him. It doesn’t. “Well? Are you mute too?”  
  
“Just waiting for you to do your job,” Noah says calmly. No inflection, no spite or desperation. And Reid starts getting perplexed. Everything he’s read in this file and gathered from Oakdale gossip (God help him)- this kid should be two-thirds into a nervous breakdown by this point.  
  
He’s not intrigued, he’s perplexed. He goes through his normal routines for appointments like this, and Noah complies with every order, every instruction.  
  
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Reid finally asks, a little angry with himself for caving first.  
  
Noah doesn’t even say anything to that for a second, he assumes out of spite, but ultimately sighs. “Why do you want me to?”  
  
“Curiosity,” he says casually. “Entertainment.”  
  
“I’m entertaining?” Noah asks skeptically.  
  
“Well, not right_  now _obviously,” he grouses. “But I thought you’d be more than this,” he unnecessarily waves a hand between them.  
  
“Why?” still no emotion behind it. The guy is a robot. Or a Vulcan. Something.  
  
“Why? Let’s see.” Again (maybe out of his own spite), he holds up his hand for no reason, ticking off his fingers. “You’re Oakdale’s Big Gay Orphan, not technically since Psycho Dad is rotting away in prison, but still.” Another finger. “Your soulmate died in a freak accident and now his mother is shunning you like it’s your fault.” Another. “You were harassed and coerced into sex by your teacher who has mysteriously disappeared.” And another. “You were almost killed and are now blind and probably will never see again, dashing your lifelong dreams.” He focuses on Noah again. “I guess I expected more.”  
  
Noah is biting the inside of his cheek, and Reid wants to smile. Finally, a reaction, a something. Yell at Reid for knowing his personal business, for not knowing the full stories, for mentioning the mythical Luke Snyder in his presence, for-  
  
“Were you counting on your fingers? You know I can’t see that, right?”  
  
Reid absolutely does not stare, just lets himself feel bitter that some twenty year old blind kid has just foiled his plan for entertainment. “Maybe that’s why I did.”  
  
Noah shakes his head. “Are we done? Can you tell me anything about, about my eyes?”  
  
The first time Reid hears any emotion from him, and it’s hope. He grimaces. “If there’s any chance of repairing this, and it’s an immensely large ‘if,’ it won’t be for sometime. Months, if ever.” And that’s only if they’re lucky. There’s a lot of damage in this kid. Not an easy fix.  
  
And Reid is reminded of how much he hates metaphors as Noah’s face falls, then quickly goes back to that stoic expression. Damage. Right.  
  
“Okay,” Noah finally says. “Thanks. Until next week, then. I guess.” His hand starts to reach for his cane, about ten inches off course. Instead of getting the cane for him, Reid touches Noah’s wrist, guiding it in the right direction, ignoring Noah’s slight flinch at being touched. He’s pretty sure Noah doesn’t want things handed to him- literally, figuratively, or-  
  
He really fucking hates metaphors.  
  
He leads Noah out of the exam room and catches the slightly inquisitive look on his patient’s face. “What now?” he asks.  
  
Noah just shakes his head again. “You’re the only other person who seems to think Mason mysteriously disappeared,” is all he says before turning away, walking towards two people waiting at the end of the hall.  
  
Reid is surprised and puzzled. He hadn’t realized Noah was the only other one who thought there was something fishy about the teacher leaving town. Very interesting. Perplexing, even.  
  
He recognizes one of the two people waiting for Noah as Damian Grimaldi. The guy who bribed and blackmailed him into this case. He remembers the guy from a year or two earlier, when Reid had been overseas for a rotation in England. Grimaldi had been scouring the hemisphere for a neurosurgeon to deal with some guy with a microchip in his brain. Thank God Reid had been away. Microchips? Boring.  
  
He stays mostly out of sight, watching. Noah smiles at Grimaldi, and it’s a weird thing- empty and blank, polite. Definitely fake. And then Noah turns to the other person, a little boy, maybe three or four years old. Noah reaches out and picks the boy up, listening as the boy chatters on happily.  
  
And there it is. What Noah’s real smile looks like. Very, very different from any expression he usually has, Reid can tell.  
  
Okay. Reid admits it. He’s intrigued._   
  
\---   
  
And he was intrigued now, too. Mostly for Noah’s reaction, what he’d do when it finally sunk in that The Luke Snyder was back. And he wondered what Luke would do about Noah, if anything.   
  
No. Luke better do something, he reasoned as Noah waved goodbye and walked out, his hands no longer shaking. He better do something.   
  
God, Reid hated caring about people.   
  
***   
  
Noah heard their voices before he saw them. He waited outside the nurse’s locker room, grateful for the extra few seconds to steady himself. Luke’s  _voice._  Noah had to remind himself he wasn’t imagining it, it was real. It was Luke.   
  
And Luke was in Oakdale. Alive.   
  
Why? Had he changed his mind because of their fight, because of Noah? Was he back for good? Did Damian and Lily know? Did they know Noah had kept the secret of seeing Luke in Kentucky? Did Luke want-   
  
The door opened and Luke and Ali were walking out, a bag of... folders? documents? in Luke’s hand. Noah found himself staring at the bag first, so by the time he dragged his eyes upward Luke was staring back at him in shock.   
  
“Noah. Noah, I-” Ali sounded so wary and gentle, he just shook his head. Not now. He couldn’t right now. Ali nodded, getting it, taking the bag from a still silent Luke. “I’ll take these back to our place,” she said softly. “For later.”   
  
And almost magically, they were alone in the hallway. Luke ticked his eyes to the side to watch Ali go, then back to Noah. “Um-”   
  
“You’re back?” Noah asked softly. He tried really hard- and succeeded he thought- at keeping the hope out of his question.   
  
Luke hesitated, nodded, shrugged. “I don’t know.”   
  
“Why?”  _Why are you back now? Why are you here? Why did you stay away? Why don’t you know?_   
  
He shrugged again. “I need to find out what happened to my dad.”   
  
Oh.   
  
Well, Noah was pretty stupid, wasn’t he? Luke wasn’t back because of him, or for him. “That... that’s it?”   
  
Luke scuffed his foot along the floor, biting his lip. “I don’t... I don’t know, Noah. I just got here.”   
  
“And came to the hospital first,” he pointed out. “Why?”   
  
“Ali was helping me look for records about the accident-”   
  
And Noah had to turn away for a second, smoothing down his tie. “Have you even gone to see your family yet? Do they know you’re alive?”   
  
That hesitant expression, one he’d always found so adorable in the past, almost made him flinch now. “I need to look into this.”   
  
It hadn’t been so long that Noah forgot that tone. With a flash of anger, “Luke, you’re not in- we’re not kids anymore! You’re not a cop!” He kept on before Luke could argue. “Stop. Don’t start digging into things. You can’t just- Think of your family, okay?”   
  
“I  _am_ !” he protested. “I-”   
  
“I thought if you came back, it would be for them, for-”  _for me_ , he didn’t say. “Not to play investigator like some dumb kid again.” The election, Reg, Damian... Not again.   
  
Luke glared for a second, jaw setting in a hard line, before he took a longer look at Noah. “Did you have a checkup today?” he asked quietly, knowingly.   
  
Noah deflated. “Ali told you?”   
  
“Casey.”   
  
He was going to kill Casey if any other stories got told. “I did, yeah. I’m fine.”   
  
“Whose definition of fine?” Luke half-smiled, and for a second three years vanished. The weight of it was gone.   
  
And then back. Noah couldn’t wipe away the last three years. “When are you going to see your family?”   
  
“You’re okay, really?” Luke persisted.   
  
“Everything checked out fine,” he non-answered. “Luke. The farm. When?”   
  
Luke closed his eyes, giving Noah a second of reprieve before opening them again. “Will you come with me?” His voice was so small.   
  
For a moment Noah felt like the earth was swallowing him whole. He locked his knees, clenched his hands, swallowed hard to keep from letting any pathetic, needy, wounded noise from escaping. To keep from asking for permission to touch him, kiss him, everything.  _You didn’t come back for me_ . “I...” Lily was going to be there. Maybe this would help make up for things. He took Luke away from her, he could bring Luke back. Maybe? “Okay.”   
  
***   
  
The farm was maybe the one thing in Oakdale that was exactly the same. It was small comfort for Luke’s nerves, though. The people inside were probably different from what he remembered, and that was partly his fault. Something he couldn’t change or get back.   
  
Like the person walking up the driveway with him.   
  
He kept his thoughts away from the emotional minefield that was Noah right now, and concentrated on the farm again. “So, um, who’s here right now?” He’d already asked this twice, but there were cars parked there he didn’t recognize.   
  
Noah answered again anyway. “Emma, Lily and Damian. The kids. Jack and Carly, Parker, Sage and Lee. Wait, no, Parker’s away at some summer high school program. Just Sage and Lee.”   
  
Lee, short for Bradley, Jack and Carly’s two year old. Named for Brad. Who was dead. Who left behind a son Jacob (now almost three) with Katie. Who was married to Chris Hughes now.   
  
Jesus, Luke was tired already.   
  
“Okay,” he squared his shoulders, stepping onto the porch, unconsciously breathing in deep, inhaling the smells that, he had to admit, were still so comforting and welcome.   
  
“Do you want me to go in first?” Noah asked quietly.   
  
He shouldn’t ask that of Noah, he really shouldn’t, but he nodded, deep breaths in and out.   
  
Noah didn’t look like he was fairing that much better, but he nodded back, walking into the kitchen and leaving Luke on the porch.   
  
“Noah!” he heard Emma, Jack, and who had to be Ethan call out, happy and surprised.   
  
“What are you doing here?” Luke frowned, thrown by the cold tone of his mother’s voice. What the hell was that about?   
  
“I... something’s happened. I have- there’s someone here to see you.” Luke couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Noah obviously had no idea how to break the news, not that Luke would’ve known either.   
  
“Who?” Faith or maybe Natalie, or Sage (he couldn’t tell them apart anymore?) asked excitedly.   
  
The door opened again, and there was Noah, gesturing for Luke to come inside. Without thinking, Luke looked into his eyes, gathering strength and reassurance. Then Noah blinked hard, faltering just for a second against the door, and Luke remembered they weren’t like that anymore. He swallowed and stepped into the kitchen.   
  
The dead silence in the wake of his entrance didn’t actually last as long as he thought it would. Maybe a few seconds, and then Carly gasped and Natalie shouted his name, throwing herself from her chair towards him. He took the distraction happily, lifting her up into the biggest hug he’d given (or received) in years. Closing his eyes, nose buried in her hair, he felt everyone else standing from the table, coming close, speaking at once.   
  
When he opened his eyes, there they were. Emma and Jack crowded in, shocked, asking a thousand questions, Carly and her kids behind Jack. Faith was right there, pulling Natalie away, looking somewhere between wanting to hug Luke and wanting to hit him. Ethan was standing next to Noah, wary, maybe a little confused. Noah must’ve thought he was too, his hand going gently to Ethan’s shoulder.   
  
And there was Damian next to Noah, looking at Luke in wonder, in relief, in... something else? Something Luke couldn’t figure out? Lily, though- Lily was standing in the back, staring, not moving. Wait, she was moving. Backwards.   
  
“Mom?” he said it quietly, uncertainly.   
  
“L-Luke?” she whispered it, still backing away. Suddenly looking so frail.   
  
“Mom, I-” He took a step forward, and it was the wrong thing to do. She shrank back, into the doorway. “I’m-”   
  
She shook her head frantically for a second, and was suddenly gone. No noise, no words, nothing. Luke took a step to follow her, but Damian was suddenly there, hand on his shoulder. “I’ll go get her, Luke. She’s probably just overwhelmed.” His voice softened. “We all are.”   
  
Luke looked up at his biological father and couldn’t help but offer a smile at the real emotion he saw on Damian’s face. “I’ll wait here,” he nodded, already letting himself be pulled into Emma’s arms.   
  
Damian smiled too, a genuine one. He reached out past Emma, his hand landing on Luke’s head, resting in his hair for a moment. “It’s... it’s good to see you, son.”   
  
“You too,” Luke murmured, and meant it. Damian blinked quickly a few times, nodded, and headed out after Lily. Luke focused back on his grandmother, hugging her tighter. “Hi,” he whispered.   
  
“Oh, honey, I...” she laid her forehead down against his shoulder, shaking just a little.   
  
“I’m here,” he reassured as best he could. “I’m okay.” Well, maybe lying a little bit. A little.   
  
She pulled back, holding his face with both hands, kissing his forehead. “I’m glad, honey. I’m so glad.”   
  
She stepped back, and Jack immediately took her place, pulling Luke into a slightly less suffocating hug. “Holden?” he whispered softly, for only Luke to hear. Luke shook his head the slightest bit, just enough for Jack to understand. He swallowed hard when he pulled away, expecting some sort of recrimination or  _something_  on Jack’s face. But there was none. Jack just smiled at him, sad but happy. How could he be so happy?   
  
Ethan was next, getting a little push from Noah. Luke knelt down, smiling, for some reason more nervous than he was with the others. Ethan was almost seven now. Luke had been gone for almost- Jesus- almost half of his life. “Hey, Ethan.”   
  
“You didn’t die, Luke?” he asked, solemn, confused, head cocking to the side a little.   
  
Luke shook his head, swallowing hard. “No, buddy. Almost, and I had to take some time to get better, but- but I’m better now.” He saw Noah’s mouth tighten at that, but luckily nobody else did.   
  
Ethan just nodded, accepting. It was easiest with kids sometimes, wasn’t it? “We’re brothers again?”   
  
Luke managed to keep his smile. He definitely didn’t look at Noah now. “Of course. Always were, always will be.”   
  
Ethan hugged him now, a happy, carefree as only a little kid can be, hug. “Can Noah still be my brother too?” he asked.   
  
It was asked quietly, and Luke definitely definitely didn’t look up now. Not at Noah, not to see if anyone else overheard. “Always,” he whispered. And hoped.   
  
It was a whirlwind for awhile after that; Emma forcing food at him, Jack asking a few more questions, Carly reminding Jack that he wasn’t a cop anymore, the kids somewhere between wanting to hug and play and being painfully unsure. Faith especially. Lily and Damian were still gone.   
  
“That’s it. I’m coming out on the next flight,” Aaron announced.   
  
“Aaron, no, it’s okay,” Luke shifted the phone to his other hand, waving at Ethan as Noah finally ushered the kids outside to play and give the adults (and Luke) some peace and quiet.   
  
“Uh, this is all pretty much the opposite of ‘okay,’ Luke,” Aaron argued, still sounding like he was breathing too hard from the shock of all this.   
  
“It’ll  _be_  okay, okay?” Luke tried. He stood at the sink, looking out towards the barn where Nat, Sage, and Ethan were running around, already in the middle of some elaborate made-up game. (Snyder kids were never that great at playing by the rules of conventional games.)   
  
“Will it?” Aaron wasn’t fooled. “Three years is a lot to miss anywhere, man, but three years in  _that_  town is like... seven times more.”   
  
“That’s dog years, Aaron.”   
  
“Don’t sass me, Luciano,” Aaron fired back. “You just reappeared from the dead. We grieved. We-” he sighed. “Maybe you coming back will set things right again.”   
  
That storm cloud of pressure was back  _No. I’m not back._  “I don’t know about that.”   
  
There was a pause. “Uh-huh. Sure.” He continued before Luke could argue. “Just... just don’t go away again, okay asshole? We can’t take it.”   
  
The pressure was still there, but Luke was able to push it away. “I’ll try.”   
  
Another pause. “And go make out with that blue eyed dumbass who’s probably trying to hide that he’s as freaked out as you are.”   
  
Luke forced out a laugh, but even he could hear how painfully fake it was. “Thanks, Life Coach.”   
  
“Hey,” Aaron’s voice got quiet, serious. “I love you, all right? No matter what or why. I’m glad to hear your stupid whiny voice again. Whatever reason you stayed away, I don’t care. I just care that you’re back.”   
  
Luke was silent for a moment. He couldn’t get himself to agree, not yet. “Thanks,” he settled for.   
  
“I’m giving you a month or two to get your shit together,” Aaron continued. “I’ll ask off from work. If I get to Oakdale and things aren’t better, I’m so kicking your scrawny ass.”   
  
It went on like that for awhile, his teasing mixed with genuine concern and love (so much like Holden that Luke needed to fight back the urge to cry or hang up), before they finally said their (temporary) goodbyes.   
  
Luke stayed at the sink, breathing slowly, staring out the window. Noah and Faith had joined the other three, sitting on the ground with Lee tottering back and forth between them. They were deep in discussion, and Luke could probably guess what it was about.   
  
“It was hard for them,” Emma was at his elbow suddenly.   
  
Her voice was soft, but Luke still jumped. “Who?”   
  
“Noah and your mother. After the car accident, it was so hard for them. I think that’s how Damian was able to... attach himself so easily.”   
  
He felt a little sick, a little unsure. His mom and Damian had a history, of course she would quickly fall in with him again. Though he wondered how Faith and them felt about Lily and Damian together. But Noah... was it just his thing about father figures? His insecurities about being alone? Luke wasn’t sure. And why had Damian involved himself?  _Damian already had his claws in,_  Casey had said. Why?   
  
Something else Casey had said popped into his brain then too.  _Because of your mom, your family wasn’t-_ “Something happened between them? Mom and Noah,” he turned to Emma.   
  
She nodded, eyes said. “Lily needed to blame someone, something, for the accident. She couldn’t, but she could blame someone for you being in that car with Holden.”   
  
His body went cold. “No way.” No, she wouldn’t do that. She’d always had that huge soft spot for Noah, she’d never...   
  
But Emma’s nod confirmed it. “People can do strange things when grieving, honey.” Like run away for three years, he reminded himself. “It was... you know we’d never really let Noah go, but it’s been hard. I can’t remember the last time she was willingly in the same room as him.” She threw her arms around him again, hugging him tight. “But don’t worry about any of that, dear. It’s not your burden. We’re all just glad to have you home.”   
  
He hugged her too, but his mind was crazy and heavy with it all. Why were any of them asking about the accident, about his dad? Why weren’t they wondering how he had survived when Holden hadn’t? And why, he wondered as he watched Noah’s face turn gentle and consoling for an obviously upset Faith, did they think that him being home would magically solve every problem?   
  
Didn’t they remember? Luke didn’t solve problems. He just created more.   
  
***   
  
Lily never reappeared that night, even after Noah awkwardly said goodnight and drove off in his shiny expensive car (that Damian bought for him, Luke knew it now), leaving Luke with his family. But it was too much, too soon, too ‘Holden’ for Luke to stay at the farm any longer. Even after discovering how much more often the kids slept there than at the actual house with their mother.   
  
Luke was so confused, what did Lily  _do_  if she wasn’t at the Lakeview and only partially took care of her children? (Emma and Noah took care of them the rest of the time, Jack confided in Luke when he drove him back to Casey and Ali’s that night.)   
  
Staying at the farm would’ve been too much, but he couldn’t avoid his family. Or his life, if he wanted to figure out what really happened to Holden. But he couldn’t rely on Casey and Ali to take care of him. Which is why, a few days of unsuccessful searches through those medical files later, he found himself at Grimaldi Worldwide (not just Shipping anymore).   
  
Damian’s office was... grandiose was the best word Luke could come up with. Most polite, at least. The most honest? So fucking expensive and overdone. Decorated and arranged to be perfectly intimidating. And it was working. A little.   
  
Luke cleared his throat again, fiddled with the zipper of his hoodie- not a very professional outfit, and very on purpose. He was here, doing this, because he needed to ,not because he wanted to. And he wanted Damian to know that.   
  
Damian, however, gave nothing away, regarding Luke with a calm but happy air. He was happy to see Luke, have him back.   
  
That was all it was, right?   
  
There were certain things Luke couldn’t let go of. One was Never Trust Damian. He didn’t really care how well Damian had supposedly taken care of the family. Holden had said it best, right before the accident.  _There’s always more going on_ , he-   
  
Luke suddenly closed his eyes, thankful that it happened just as Damian answered a phone call. It was happening again, remembering the accident. And Luke knew he was flashing back now because he was home again. He just wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing.   
  
Damian hung up the phone, unaware of Luke’s thoughts and crazy mental flailings. Which, you know, good. Luke had to figure them out first. God, he wished he could tell Noah.   
  
“I still can’t believe you’re home, Luciano,” Damian smiled, looking him up and down. “When we first were told of the accident, it was...” he stopped, as though gathering himself. “It was devastating, son. And I realized how many years I wasted without you, not being... I tried to change my ways after that. Take care of things, of people, like I hadn’t before. For you.”   
  
And he sounded so sincere, Luke desperately wanted to believe him. And he tried to, almost did, but the expressions on Casey’s and Emma’s faces warred with that. They still didn’t trust him. What was Damian’s goal here, really?   
  
He smiled though, and hopefully didn’t let that doubt show. “I- I’m glad you were here for Mom and the kids.” And Noah. He hid his shaking hands at that.   
  
Damian studied him more intensely. “Do you remember anything at all? From the accident?”   
  
He tried to hold himself still, then shook his head. “No. Nothing.” His voice cracked a little, but he quickly moved on. “We were driving and- and then I was sitting on the ground, looking at a burning truck.” He stopped there. He didn’t want to say more, or try to think more.   
  
Damian was also silent and still, for a minute or two, then shook his own head. “I’m so sorry, son. It would probably be best not to dwell on it all, I’m sure. Look to the future. That’s why you’re here, I assume?”   
  
Luke nodded. “I need a job. But I can’t exactly go back to school or anything right now, I just- I’m not ready for that. But if the offer still stands? For here?”   
  
“You want to work for me? With me?” Damian’s eyes lit up.   
  
_I don’t know if ‘want’ is the right word,_  he silently argued. But he nodded on the outside, tried to smile. He left ‘want’ a long time ago. Right now... right now was necessity.   
  
They finalized some paperwork in less than an hour, and Luke tried to tell himself there wasn’t something like relief or victory in Damian’s eyes. Because that would be weird.   
  
That would be suspicious.   
  
Right?   
  
Instead, Luke waved a goodbye, intent on going back to Casey and Ali’s, maybe look over those confusing files one more exhausting time. He half-wished he could have Noah with him when he did it, he’d be good for finding clues, solutions to puzzles. He’d be able to look at the whole picture, see the issue. Luke wished he...   
  
He definitely didn’t mean to conjure Noah right then and there with the half-wish. He didn’t. Not on purpose, at least. But there he was walking around the corner, and Luke couldn’t deny that rush, the way his heart thudded out of his chest at the sight of him. It was  _Noah._  It would always be Noah.   
  
Even if it wasn’t always them.   
  
“Hey,” he called out, only kinda unsteady.   
  
Noah looked up sharply from whatever stupid Important Work File he’d been reading. “Luke?” he still said it so completely thrown, like every time they saw each other was going to be a shock he wasn’t used to.   
  
Not that Luke didn’t know the feeling or anything. “Hey,” he said again, really smiling this time, almost sheepish. “Fancy seeing you here.”   
  
Noah glanced at Damian’s office, eyes wide and worried for not even half a second. “What are you doing here?”   
  
“Getting my job back?” Luke shrugged. “I need some way to pay for a place to live.”   
  
“You’re not staying with... Wait, you’re going to work  _here_ ?” Noah took a step back into another hallway out of sight of Damian’s office. He rubbed a hand over his jaw, across his suddenly pale face.   
  
Noah Mayer, never exactly the king of subtlety. “Is that going to be a problem?” he snapped, awkwardness forgotten in the face of his own defensiveness.   
  
Noah hesitated, looking towards Damian’s office again. Luke frowned. What was up with that? “No, Luke,” he softened, hand coming up again, this time to fiddle with the knot of his tie. “No. It’s... it’s good that you’re, you know,” he shrugged.   
  
“Not laying about like a spoiled brat this time around?” he finished, somewhere between joking and still defensive.   
  
Noah’s lips quirked up, just a little. Just enough. “Something like that, yeah.”   
  
Luke let out a laugh, the muscles in his neck and shoulders relaxing for the first time since stepping into the office earlier. “Hey. I’m maturing.”   
  
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Noah was attempting to keep up, he really was, but something was off. His eyes shifted to Damian’s office once more, his hand still adjust and tugging on his tie.   
  
And they were standing so close, and Noah was smiling, and he still... he still  _smelled_  the same. Luke reacted out of instinct, muscle memory, that’s what it was. That’s all it was. That’s why he reached out, batted Noah’s hand away, and started fixing the tie himself. “You’re going to strangle yourself if you’re not-”   
  
He stopped. Noah’s hand was frozen where he’d moved it away, lightly brushing against Luke’s wrist. But that wasn’t what had stopped him. Noah was staring at him, eyes wide, face even more pale than before. It was like he wasn’t even breathing.   
  
Luke froze too, which unfortunately meant his hands were set at Noah’s chest, grazing shirt and skin and-   
  
Noah’s whole body flinched then, sliding more than pushing away from him. Luke still felt the cold, the absence, immediately. He lowered his arms slowly, dazed. Had he really just...? And did Noah...?   
  
“I’m sorry,” Luke croaked out, unable to look at him. He stared at his hands, his stupid, traitorous hands, instead. “Sorry.” He wasn’t sure if he actually was, but Noah obviously wasn’t happy about this.  _Three years, Luke. He’s moved on. He never once mentioned himself when he yelled about what you left behind. He took himself out of this equation. Respect that. You’ve put him through enough._   
  
Noah wasn’t looking at him either. “No, it’s-” He let his hands drop, smoothing down his shirt. Luke actually ached, watching the movement, remember when he’d do that to Luke’s bare skin, gliding down-   
  
Luke didn’t even hear whatever platitudes Noah was probably giving him. As pale as he was, Luke knew his own face was just getting redder and redder. Totally, royally. Screwed. Up.   
  
And now they worked together. Wonderful.


	4. Kings and Vagabonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE EXTRA A/N HERE, PLEASE READ: Trigger Warning: there is a flashback of a car accident and character death in this chapter. I've marked the flashback itself with extra ----- before and after it so if you don't want to read that particular bit, you don't have to. Please take heed!

He ditched the tie the second he was in the car. It really was strangling him. Or at least felt like it was, ever since Luke left.   
  
He almost shuddered. ‘Left’ had a different meaning now. ‘Left’ just meant left for the night or for a few hours. It wasn’t permanent. It wasn’t forever. When Luke ‘left’ now, he would come back. Noah was embarrassed at how often he had to remind himself of that. Or how often he called Casey or Ali in the last couple days just to chat, listening for any sound of Luke in the background. Just to make sure he was still there. That he hadn’t  _left_  again.   
  
Noah stopped himself from more stupid thoughts. He was dwelling in the past again. Damian might be a... Damian, but he was still right about that. Noah had to grow up sometime. He had to move on, or get left behind.   
  
He got to the school complex right on time. Faith and Natalie would be wrapping up their tutoring and dance classes any minute, Ethan’s after school group would finish up ten minutes after that. They’d all perfected this- Noah picked them up on Mondays and Tuesdays, Lily the rest of the week. That way the kids were always taken care of.   
  
Faith was already waiting when he pulled up, re-shouldering her messenger bag. (It was his old one from college; she thought it was cooler than a backpack. No one had ever thought Noah was cool before.) She flopped into the front seat with a sigh. He didn’t ask. He knew better.   
  
Natalie bounded in a minute later. “Hi Noah! Did you have a good day at work? Did you have fun? What-”   
  
“What’s she doing here?” Faith interrupted.   
  
For a second, Noah thought she was talking about Nat. But, no, Faith was pointing to the side, just as Lily’s car pulled up and parked next to them. Noah hopefully kept his reaction to a minimum. He wanted to echo Faith. What _was_  Lily doing there?   
  
“It’s Tuesday,” Natalie piped up from the backseat, just as confused.   
  
Noah made eye contact with Lily the second she stepped out of her car. He was sadly proud- he’d stopped flinching at her looks awhile ago. But her eyes weren’t accusatory or cold today. Not even distant. Just... strained. Tired.   
  
Emboldened, he got out of his car, facing her. Natalie, curious as ever, slid out of the backseat to stand next to him. Faith (of course) stayed in the car. “Hi, Lily.”   
  
“Noah,” she said it quietly. He still remembered a time when she would greet him warmly, a hug, a kiss to his cheek, calling him sweetheart or something. He really needed to stop remembering.   
  
He crossed his arms protectively. “It’s Tuesday,” he echoed Nat’s perfectly logical argument.   
  
Lily blinked, thrown for a second. “Oh. It is, isn’t it?” She pushed her hair back from her face, frazzled. “It’s been... a long few days, I must have lost track of what day it is.”   
  
“It’s not that hard,” Faith commented through the open window, still facing forward. “It’s the second day in the week that you’re supposed to go to work but do nothing instead.”   
  
“Faith,” Lily and Noah both reprimanded her wearily at the same time. It was Lily who flinched at that before continuing resolutely. “We’re having a family dinner at the house tonight, I just thought I’d drive them straight there.”   
  
A family dinner that Luke was probably going to, and Noah wasn’t. “I can drive them there and drop them off. I’m capable.” Was it wrong that he didn’t really care that he was baiting her? It had been a long few days for him too.   
  
“It’ll be easier if I do,” she maintained, voice growing stronger with each word. “Natalie, Faith, let’s go.”   
  
Natalie looked hesitant, but got into Lily’s car when Noah nodded at her. It was fine, really. Probably meant he’d get more work done tonight. That was good, right?   
  
Faith didn’t think so. She got out of the car, but only to glare at her mother. (She’d hate to know it was a glare she’d definitely inherited from Lily.) “No. It’s Tuesday. We have a schedule. You can’t just-”   
  
“Yes, I can. I’m your mother.”   
  
“Not on Mondays and Tuesday,” Faith snapped. She crossed her arms too, so Noah hurriedly dropped his, turning towards her.   
  
“Faith,” he said it calmly, but with a little pleading.  _Please don’t make this harder than it has to be._   
  
She glared at him defiantly, desperately, more than a little stressed herself, when a yell of “Mama?” could be heard across the parking lot. Noah couldn’t help but smile a little. It was weird, sure. But hearing Ethan call Lily the same term Holden had used for Emma- it was one reminder that didn’t make Noah all that sad.   
  
The smile vanished (or at least went pretty fake) at the confused look on Ethan’s face as he looked back and forth between Lily and Noah. Noah tried not to take it personally when Ethan ran up to Lily and hugged her. “Why are you here on Tuesday?”   
  
It would’ve been funny under any other circumstances. “Tonight’s special,” Lily softened and crouched down next to Ethan. “We’re going to have dinner at home, at the house, okay? So I came to pick you up.”   
  
And Noah also tried not to take it personally when Ethan’s face lit up and he jumped into Lily’s car without another thought. Not wanting to see Lily’s reaction to it, he focused instead on Faith again. “No,” she argued before he could say anything.   
  
“Go on,” he murmured. She shook her head, so obstinate, and so Luke. Suddenly he really needed her to go. If he was going to have a panic attack or something in his car, he didn’t want her to see it. “Faith,” he said it again. “I’d be driving you there now anyway. It’s an extra fifteen minutes with her. Please.”   
  
She glared at him now, betrayed. But instead of arguing, she grabbed the messenger bag out of the front seat and marched to Lily’s car without looking at either of them. After saying something quietly to Natalie, she got into the backseat with a slam of the door, letting Nat crawl up into the front. To sit next to Lily.   
  
If Noah wasn’t so tired, he’d admire her commitment to the grudge.   
  
Instead he smiled again at Ethan’s wave through the window, waving back as Faith helped him buckle his seatbelt. Then he realized Lily was still standing facing him, and he lowered his arm, waiting.   
  
“Luke hasn’t mentioned you two, well, you know,” she played with the keys in her hand.   
  
The jingling noise grated on his ears. “Know what?” Wow, he really was baiting today. But it wasn’t like he really had anything to lose, was it?   
  
“Are you two even talking right now?” she asked softly.   
  
He couldn’t tell whether she was asking hopefully or suspiciously. So he played it close to the vest, distant. Careful. “We talked today. He’s going to work at Grimaldi, I guess.”   
  
“He is?” The jingling stopped. Lily’s eyes were wide, the rest of her face guarded. Noah’s eyes narrowed at that. Lily didn’t seem that excited about the news. Did she not want Luke working for Damian?   
  
Did she feel the same way Noah did? Did she  _know_  the same things Noah did?   
  
She was still looking at him strangely. “Are you two going to get back to-”   
  
“You’re going to be late for dinner,” he pointed out, turning his back, opening his door.   
  
There was silence behind him for a second, and then the sounds of Lily getting into her car. No more words between them, like usual. He sat there, watching out of the windshield until they were gone. And his stupid, stupid brain had so many thoughts tumbling through it, but the one he kept circling around-   
  
Now that Luke was back, was he going to be on the outside again? Was there a place for him in the family anymore?   
  
***   
  
“This is already my favorite meeting of the day,” Emily Stewart announced the second she opened the door and ushered Luke into her apartment.   
  
“Huh?” he glanced around at the two computers in the room, the bulletin boards covered in notes and circled news clippings. It was the living room of a crazy person.   
  
“It’s not very often I get to interview a dead guy,” she explained, settling herself down on her couch, shoving aside a few file folders so Luke had room to sit too.   
  
He did, gingerly. “This isn’t an interview.”   
  
“Not yet. But it will be.”   
  
“And I’m not a dead guy,” he also had to say.   
  
“Not anymore,” she fired back. “But we’ll get to that later. Why is it you wanted to talk to me? Alison said it was important.”   
  
“The accident that killed my dad. And almost killed me.” Luke fidgeted. “Alison said you looked into it when it first happened.”   
  
“I tried to,” she glared at nothing. “But I ran into roadblocks at every turn. Wasn’t long before The Intruder was out of business anyway, and your grandmother up and left the country with old John Dixon, and Worldwide was bought up, and the new mayor took over, and your Darth Vader of a father-”   
  
“You think it was all related?” he asked, studying her living room again. So, maybe not a crazy person. Maybe a freelance investigative journalist whatever. Luke barely, barely remembered a time when he’d wanted to do the same as this.   
  
Look where it got both of them.   
  
“Maybe. So no interview yet. You want me to, what, hand over my notes on the crash?” Her tone nearly dripped with skepticism.   
  
“Not necessarily. I want to hire you.” Luke laid his palms flat on his lap, maintaining an air of business or power or something. Anything but nerves.   
  
“To what?” she asked, eyebrow raising.   
  
“Reinvestigate. I need to know what happened,” he spoke firmly. “I’ve been trying for over a week by myself, no luck.” He’d spent all his time in his new apartment doing nothing but going over those files Ali helped him steal. No luck. It was like gibberish to him. “My trust fund’s been untouched for three years. I’m pretty sure there’s enough in there to get you past some of those roadblocks.”   
  
Emily blinked at him, thrown. A tiny part of Luke was proud of that. “Oh. Okay then. Well, I guess it beats the jobs I’m on now. All right.” She picked up a few folders she’d had sitting in front of them and moved to set them aside.   
  
Luke’s eyes narrowed. “What are those?”   
  
She smiled a little grimly. “Those are the reports I thought you were coming over here for. My mistake to assume. I’ll get rid of them.”   
  
“Reports on what?” he asked automatically. His curiosity, as always, peaked immediately.   
  
She brought the plain manilla folders back into her lap. “These,” she began, her voice not quite purposefully dramatic but pretty close, “are the police, medical, and legal documents pertaining to the last three years of your boyfriend’s life.”   
  
“Noah?” he asked numbly, his focus on the reports.   
  
“There’s not much, Grimaldi managed to keep a lot of it off the record. And I’m sure my sister and Casey have told you a lot, but...” she tapped the top file with a perfectly manicured nail. “I don’t know, I thought that’s why you were here.”   
  
Luke didn’t know if he should feel guilty about that or not. He did, a little bit. He wasn’t sure what for- digging yet again into Noah’s life or not making Noah his priority?- but he definitely recognized guilt as one of the things flying around.   
  
“What do you want for them?” he asked, in control.   
  
“An interview when all of this is over, unrestricted,” she said quickly. “If this plays out the way I think- the way you hope- I’m going to be the one to write it up.” She held out her hand. “Deal?”   
  
Luke eyed her hand, the folders, her hand again. And shook. “Deal.”   
  
Noah’s files were placed in his hand.   
  
***   
  
It was hours later that he thought to come here, to this. Luke sat gingerly on the ground, cross legged, feeling younger than he’d felt in years. Like a little kid again.   
  
He wasn’t.   
  
He cleared his very dry throat. The headstone was nice and simple, well-kept. Something his dad would like. (Not _like_ , of course. Nobody was going to  _like_  having a headstone.)   
  
He just sat, staring for awhile. There was no thudding of his heart, in his ears or chest or anywhere. Like his body was empty. No heart.   
  
Empty.   
  
“I can’t believe you did this to me,” he whispered after a few more minutes. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, now. You were supposed to... You said you’d always be there for me. But you’re not. You’re-” he cut himself off. “You were supposed to be my dad forever.”   
  
There was no answer, of course. It pissed Luke off a little bit. Was it his job now, to be there for the family like Holden had been? There was no  _way_  Luke was good enough for that. He could barely manage his own life. How was he supposed to do any of this without knowing how his Dad felt about it? Or felt about him? If he approved, if he disapproved, if he wanted Luke to-   
  
He’d never be a grandfather. Luke couldn’t really deal with that either. Holden would have been the best grandfather ever. He was supposed to be. And he was supposed to be there for when Ethan needed him, to teach him that it was okay to be whoever he wanted. Ethan was never going to hear that ‘I’ll love you no matter what’ that dads always said. Who was going to do that for him now?   
  
Luke unzipped and rezipped his jacket a few times. The headstone next to Holden’s grave was a plot that had recently been taped off to be re-dug.  _His_  grave. How fucking creepy was that? Luke didn’t study it too hard. The gravestone had been removed yesterday, Damian had told him. One of the weirder conversations he’d had in his life, for sure.   
  
He wanted so so much to be angry at him, them, everyone. He wished he could be. But it was just himself. He was here. Holden wasn’t. And Luke wanted to hate him so much for that, what was wrong with him?   
  
Why was he still here?   
  
“Hey.”   
  
He jumped, not at all cool or composed, when a voice spoke up quietly from behind him. He didn’t turn, knowing who it was. Of course. “Hi.”   
  
Noah’s steps sounded really unsure, even from here, so he was a little surprised when they came closer, and Noah sat down next to him. Not very close, definitely not touching, but there. Beside him.   
  
“What are you doing here?” he asked quietly, not unkindly. Thank God he hadn’t been crying.   
  
Noah shrugged. “I don’t know. You?”   
  
“I hadn’t- this is the first time I’ve...” he gestured to his own not-grave. “Damian said that they were taking me- this down. I realized I haven’t been here, seen him.”   
  
Noah nodded, was quiet for a few minutes. “Does it help?”   
  
His instinct was to shake his head. “I’ll let you know.” Another bout of silence. If this was a different universe, Luke would be picking up Noah’s hand, playing with his fingers, leaning into his shoulder, maybe-   
  
He cut himself off. He’d been staring at Noah’s hands again. No. Bad Luke. He’d been so good at work; they barely saw each other there anyway, it wasn’t like he had an opportunity to do, well, anything. It wasn’t like he really wanted to, either. He wasn’t Luke of Luke-and-Noah anymore, was he?   
  
“Did it help you?” he asked, purposefully dragging himself back into the conversation. “Coming here?”   
  
Noah nodded, to his surprise. “I, um, I’d come here to talk. To both of you.” He lowered his voice, trying to keep it light, “First time you never interrupted me.”   
  
Luke tried to laugh for his sake. It almost worked. “How was work today?”   
  
He almost laughed again at the skeptical look Noah gave him this time. “Are you- it was fine. You?”   
  
Luke shrugged this time. He pulled up a few clumps of grass, dropped them again. “Still trying to figure it all out.”   
  
“You’ve only been there like a week or two,” Noah offered. “It takes getting used to.”   
  
“You’re good at it,” Luke said. He was a little sad about that. “Everyone says so. You’re like the go-to guy in your department.” He still wasn’t exactly sure what each department was yet, but he was sure he didn’t like that Noah was so good at his job. Sure, it was Noah, he always worked hard at everything, but still. It wasn’t right. He was supposed to be making movies.   
  
Luke thought of those files that Emily had given him. He still hadn’t read them. He couldn’t yet. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted all this to get even worse. Judging by the strained look Noah was trying not to show, maybe he really really didn’t want it to get worse. Noah’s face, shadowed and sad, set off a flash of something in Luke’s mind.   
  
“I was thinking about you,” Luke startled even himself with that. Unable to stop, “Right before the accident. Dad and I were talking about Damian, and I was thinking about you. Planning what we’d do when I got back from Kentucky.”   
  
Noah was turned to face him now, eyes wide and concerned. So fucking blue. “Luke. Do you remember what happened?”   
  
“I don’t know,” he said it helplessly. “I don’t know. We were in the truck. Dad said he didn’t trust Damian. We hit... like a pothole, or something? The truck swerved. Dad couldn’t hit the brakes. We- we went over the side.”   
  
“Luke...” Suddenly Noah’s hand was there, like it would be in that other universe, holding tight. Warm.   
  
Too bad Luke could barely feel it. He was freezing now, and everything was coming out of his brain too quickly. “We must’ve flipped, or something, and my seat belt came loose. I was laying on the roof, Dad was still buckled in.”   
  
**\----------------------------------------(SEE A/N ABOVE)------------------------------------**   
  
_“I can’t... I can’t get it undone,” Luke is panting, coughing, shaking. He pulls at his dad’s seat belt, but nothing happens. There’s smoke everywhere, metal that barely looks like a truck anymore. He can’t focus on anything; with the truck upside down he can’t get his bearings. He feels sick.  
  
“Luke,” somehow Holden is calm. Isn’t he always, ‘somehow’? “Can you get out of the truck?”  
  
His window is smashed in a few places, completely gone in others. “Yeah. Yeah. I think so.”  
  
“Okay. I need you to climb back up to the road, flag down a car. Get help.” And when he says it in that voice, Luke wants to obey without thinking.  
  
Almost. “What? No-” He pulls at Holden’s seat belt again. “I can get this.” He stops to cough some more.  
  
“Luke.” There’s blood running down Holden’s face. Not a lot, though, it’s okay. “You and I can’t by ourselves. And I’m not gonna get back up to the road anytime soon. I need you to.” There’s a groaning or cracking or sizzling sound around them, Luke can’t get his brain to slow down long enough to determine what it is.  
  
“O-okay. Okay. The road.” He pauses at his messed up window. “You’re sure?”  
  
“Go,” Holden nods as best he can, not even coughing. “I trust you. You got this.”  
  
“Okay,” he stutters again. He climbs out of the window, feeling his shirt catch and rip a little at an errant shard of glass. (Noah’s going to kill him, it’s one of his favorite shirts on Luke.) He stumble-crawls to the embankment, the incline. He can’t tell how high up it is. Coughing some more, he starting running and climbing.  
  
There’s another sharp popping noise behind him. He stops where he is, maybe halfway up. There’s a weird haze around the truck. He blinks. Fuck this. No. He’ll get Holden out. “Dad! Dad, I-”  
  
“Luke, stop! Get back to the road,” he hears Holden’s voice from the truck. He’s still in there. Luke can still-  
  
There’s another pop. Or crack. Or whatever it is. Luke realizes the haze isn’t just haze. It’s gas. Flames, maybe. “Dad-”  
  
The truck explodes._   
  
**\------------------------------------(OK!)-----------------------------------------------------------**   
  
He was gasping, collapsed forward. He should have been on the ground, it wasn’t like he was holding himself up. But he wasn’t on the ground. Two arms were wrapped around him, not constricting like a seat belt. Warm and safe. He was pulled back against a solid, wide chest.   
  
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Breathe. Luke, please. It’s okay. Breathe,” Noah murmured it over and over, holding him tight, Luke nearly in his lap.   
  
“He knew. He knew,” he gasped out. “He knew the truck was going to... he was keeping me away.”   
  
Noah’s hand was in his hair, gentle. “Luke, it’s okay, it’s okay.” He rubbed Luke’s back with his other hand, drawing him even closer.   
  
“It’s not,” he choked. He hadn’t been crying before, he definitely was now. “Oh God, Noah. He knew. He made me leave him. I left him. It-”   
  
“There’s nothing you could have done,” Noah soothed. “It’s not your fault, Luke.”   
  
“I let him die, Noah. God,” he nearly cried out the words. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” who the hell was he even talking to anymore?   
  
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but he finally stopped crying, stopped talking. He was dimly aware of it all- Holden’s grave in front of him, Noah’s arms around him, his chin resting in Luke’s hair. When Noah whispered, “Let me take you home, okay?” He just nodded.   
  
He didn’t realize until later that Noah meant  _his_  home.   
  
***   
  
“Here,” Noah somehow managed to both usher him in and gesture for him to take off his jacket at the same time. “Um, come on in.”   
  
Luke shrugged out of his jacket, happy for the action, something to do. Anything to keep his brain away from focusing and obsessing on Noah. Who’d just had his arms around Luke again, even though it always felt like a first time, never an ‘again’ but an ‘oh my god this is amazing what is this feeling’ thing. But now they were back to that... space between them. Noah wasn’t just walled up away from him, he was shielded up and bunkered down and fortressed away.   
  
And maybe he was too.   
  
Okay. Obviously the action of taking off his jacket wasn’t enough to distract. Okay. He could find something else.   
  
He settled for wandering around Noah’s living room, admiring and investigating in one breath. It was a beautiful apartment, and not at all Noah. Yeah, of course, Noah was beautiful, unbelievably so, but this wasn’t his style. Expansive and almost luxurious. It would be too extravagant, like that rental car Luke had first seen him in, if it weren’t for the obvious touches Noah had added to keep it from going overboard.   
  
The quilt on the sofa was definitely hand-stitched by Emma. Instead of fancy artwork or (this pained Luke a little) movie posters on the walls, drawings from Ethan and probably the other kids were scattered across every flat surface. The TV set wasn’t flat screen or plasma or anything- Luke couldn’t even see a DVR or whatnot- but instead was simple and small. A simple DVD player sat nearby. It didn’t look like it got a lot of use, and the idea that Noah wasn’t watching movies every three hours made Luke more than a little nauseous.   
  
He wandered a little more, reaching the far end of the living room. Glancing down the hallway, he saw the open door to Noah’s bedroom. Blushing and curious at the same time, he studied what he could see from his vantage point, trying not to attract Noah’s attention, busy in the kitchen. The bed was perfectly made, of course. But too perfect. The couch looked more messed up than-   
  
Noah appeared in the living room, pulling Luke away from his spying. “Do you sleep on the couch?” he accused instinctively, that buried-but-not-forgotten worry for Noah Mayer’s well being popping up in his brain.   
  
Noah, to his complete shock, didn’t even try to deflect. “Yeah. Sometimes. When I work late and don’t make it to bed.” He shrugged. “It’s a nice couch. Comfy.” He held out one of the mugs in his hands. “Here.”   
  
Tea. Warm and smelling of honey and something else soothing. Of course. Luke managed a small smile looking down into the mug, wrapped his hands around it. “Thanks.”   
  
Noah just shrugged, clasping his own mug, taking a seat on the comfy couch. He didn’t gesture for Luke to do the same, or tell him to make himself at home or... or anything, really. It threw Luke again, unsettled him. He wasn’t on _enemy_  territory necessarily, but he was a stranger here.   
  
After another moment of looking around, he sat on the other end of the couch, figuring (hoping) it was safe. Okay. He could do this. They sat in silence for awhile, sipping their tea, not looking at each other. Despite that, the awkward tension slowly slipped away until they were both leaning back against the couch, a few inches closer to touching than before.   
  
“It wasn’t an accident,” he finally said. His voice felt scratchy again, like his meltdown in the cemetery had happened only a few minutes ago. “Dad and- and me. Something went wrong. Someone caused it.”   
  
“You don’t know that,” Noah sounded just as rough.   
  
“Not until I prove it, no.” Luke set aside his mug, turning to face Noah. “Help me. Please.”   
  
Noah bit his lip, eyeing him worriedly. “Luke, I’ll help you come to terms with it. I’ll help you start to feel better about yourself and what happened. I’ll help you find a job or a new direction for your life or whatever you need. But I can’t help you start some quest that’s just going to hurt you in the end. Not again.”   
  
“Not  _again_ ?” he tried not to glare. What was Noah referring to? Reg? Zac and Zoe? “This isn’t the same. This is about my  _dad_ , Noah. He was killed. By a person. I need to find that person and make it right.”   
  
“Make what right?” Noah didn’t back down. “It won’t change what happened. And it’s not gonna be the thing that gets you to forgive yourself, I know that.”   
  
“How do you?” he challenged, getting closer, wanting to pushing him, jab him, get in his face, something. Anything.   
  
“Because I know you.” Noah didn’t back down. “I know how you think, or how you don’t think. And I know how you act when you don’t think.”   
  
“What am I not thinking about?” he bit out, his hand wanting to curl into a fist.   
  
Noah was silent for just a second, his face looking... shocked, maybe? Like Luke was supposed to know this answer? Then he shook his head, leaning closer. “People. You don’t think about how people get affected by this. You just go on your crusades and if people get hurt along the way, if  _you_  get hurt, who cares. Right?”   
  
Luke hadn’t seen Noah this fired up in a long time. “Because I want to do the right thing? I thought you were all about that, Noah. Above anything.” He hadn’t felt this fired up in a long time either.   
  
Noah’s glare intensified.  _Searing._  “Maybe we have different definitions of right.”   
  
“So I’m never going to stop disappointing you, is that it? I’m never going to be perfect enough for you,” he pushed and pushed some more. He knew how to do this.   
  
Unfortunately, Noah didn’t deflate or back down or slink away. His shoulders squared, eyes still burning forward. “You were,” he almost spat out the words. “But the Luke that was perfect enough for me isn’t here anymore. He’s in the past, right? That’s what you said. And you said you wanted me to let. Him. Go.”   
  
Of course, Luke had no idea how it went from that to his arms wrapped tight around Noah’s neck, pulling his face down the few inches to his mouth, their bodies shoved together. Still pushing and pushing some more. They were kissing and arguing at the same time, just without words.   
  
Grabbing at Noah, pulling him towards that pristine and perfectly made bed, it was like a dam breaking for Luke. But not really with a feeling of relief. It was more like standing in front of that dam right when it breaks, so the water roars and rushes and floods over you, overwhelming and painful. It was scary and he wasn’t entirely sure if the rush felt good or bad. But he went with it.   
  
They made it to the bedroom still stumbling, some clothes already shed, some slipping away still, Noah’s belt only halfway out of the loops and dragging the weight of his jeans to the floor with it. Noah was mostly silent, just harsh inhales every time he tried to breathe around Luke’s mouth.   
  
Luke pulled now, hard, demanding, wanting this to be everything he needed. He turned them, having them both fall to the bed together, pleased to note the belt and pants were on the floor now and not on Noah. He kicked his own free, landing hard on top, his hand slipping and scrambling along Noah’s hips, holding him there.   
  
If he could keep Noah there, he could keep himself there.   
  
“Do you-” he paused, latched onto the base of Noah’s throat for a moment to taste skin and sweat and to leave a bruise behind. “Do you have...?”   
  
Noah grunted a little, pulling away so he could roll over onto his stomach, reaching over to his bedside table. Luke allowed the movement, only because it meant he could trace Noah’s spine with his fingers, sliding up and down, laying a sloppy kiss to the small of his back just as Noah handed him a condom, a small bottle of lube (half empty, but Luke wasn’t going to  _think_  about that).   
  
He moved a hand to Noah’s hip again, pulling, turning him over onto his back again. Or, at least, he tried to. But Noah refused to move, staying on his stomach, reaching behind to bring Luke closer. Luke tried again, “Noah,” but Noah wouldn’t turn. “Noah, what-?” He tugged gently again, asking this time. “I want to see your face.”   
  
“No.” Noah’s voice was quiet, but not really muffled. “No. Like this.”   
  
“What?”   
  
His face was turned away from Luke, nothing else moving. “I can’t that way. I don’t want to.”   
  
Luke pulled away just a little, propping himself up on his elbows. “You don’t want to what?”   
  
“Look at you.”   
  
It hurt. A lot. Maybe more than a lot. “What?”   
  
“I’m not gonna look at you while we do this. I don’t want it to be like... like before. I don’t want to remember how we used to be. Okay? So if we’re going to-”   
  
He stood up pretty fast, standing next to the bed, staring down at Noah who was  _still not looking at him_ . “We’re not doing anything.” Not like this. “I’m not going to be like any other random guy who fucks you.”   
  
Noah made that noise that was supposed to be a laugh. “Aren’t you?”   
  
Yeah, that hurt even more. “That’s what you think of me.” It wasn’t a question.   
  
Noah finally moved, rolling onto his back, looking up at Luke like he was running on empty and had nowhere else to go. “No. That’s what you think of  _me_ .”   
  
He was quiet for a minute, then pulled his jeans back on, feeling somewhere between dirty and as empty as Noah. “We just, we can’t do this right now, can we? We can’t be together. We can’t be us.”   
  
Noah sat up against the headboard, pulling his comforter up to his waist like a shield. Making no move to help Luke collect his clothes or feel better about any of this. No warm hand on his shoulder, no half-smile that butterflied his stomach, no sweet and fumbling words to mend it. Nothing. “We haven’t been us for a long time, Luke. That was your choice.”   
  
He paused for a second, then pulled his hoodie back on, hoping it masked the shaking of his hands. “Oh.” He was fully dressed now, standing over the bed. “You haven’t forgiven me, have you?”   
  
There it was, a tiny crack in Noah’s armor. He stuttered for a second, hands tightening around the comforter. He closed his eyes before looking up at Luke. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.” The look in his eyes was heartbreaking, confused. “I want you in my life, Luke. I do. But, but I don’t...”   
  
He almost,  _almost_  stepped forward, wrapped his arms tight around those shoulders. He really, really loved those shoulders. He didn’t want to be rid of them either. “I know. We could...” he cleared his throat and tried again, already hating the feeling. “We could try being friends.” God, it felt like such an alien word.   
  
Noah’s face seemed to fall too, but Luke couldn’t be sure. “Yeah. Um, yeah. We should. It’s for the best now, right?” Noah shrugged. “There’s just too much...” he trailed off, the words not coming, but Luke got it. He did. It was for the best. There was too much of everything.   
  
He offered Noah one quick smile and backed out of the room, not even bothering with an excuse or a goodbye. Instead he tapped his hand along the doorframe a few times, maybe signaling his exit, or gathering his strength, or maybe giving Noah a few seconds to stop him, or maybe just double-checking that all this was real. And it really, really was. With that, he left.   
  
***   
  
“And then he left,” Noah passed his carton of lo mein over to Ali.   
  
She accepted it unconsciously, her attention still focused on Noah. Casey was obviously clenching his jaw to keep from giving him an open-mouthed stare. His egg roll was untouched in front of him.   
  
“But Noah,” Ali shook her head, her eyes a kind of Disney-princess-wide. “It- it’s you and- you two are-”   
  
Casey briefly dropped his hand on top of her head. “Complete sentences, dear.” Then he glared at Noah. “But seriously, what the hell. This is what you have  _literally_  been dreaming about for three years. Why’d you send him packing?”   
  
“Because it wasn’t right,” Noah glared right back, though with about half the heat. He was just tired. And hungry. He dug into his food, awkwardly maneuvering the chopsticks (he’d never gotten good at using them). “Because we’re not together, we’re not what we used to be, and to pretend that we are just for sex is... it’s wrong. I can’t keep getting myself hung up on the past.”   
  
Casey almost slammed his beer down on the table at that, only a warning glance from Alison stopping the force of it. Instead he set the bottle down carefully, still grabbing Noah’s attention. “That’s Damian talking. Those are his words, and if you ever,  _ever_  repeat something like that again just because he told you, I swear to Zuul I will-”   
  
“It’s not Damian,” Noah protested, stopping yet another Casey-Hughes-Ghostbusters-themed rant. “Not  _just_ Damian,” he amended. “Luke told me the same thing. That he let go of the past. That he doesn’t care about any of that or want any of that anymore.”   
  
“He really said exactly that?” Ali half-screeched.   
  
“He didn’t mean it!” Casey said at the same time.   
  
Noah shook his head at both of them, using the time it took to sip his beer to delay talking anymore. For the twenty seconds it earned him. “He doesn’t want to go backwards. He doesn’t want anything that has to do with his past. He told me that.”   
  
“Damian, or Luke?” Casey questioned. “Because seriously Noah, I love you, but you’re densely polite. Damian will say fucking anything to get his way, and you’ll let him. And he wants you under his thumb, and he wants to have you as some, like, secret weapon evil henchman that will just do his bidding and help him rule the world, and I won’t stand for it.”   
  
Noah and Ali were both silent for a moment, recovering from his tirade. “You’re drunk,” Ali pronounced, smoothly turning back to Noah. “Seriously, honey, when have either of you two ever made it easy on yourselves? Don’t you think maybe Luke is just as-”   
  
“Ali,” Noah kept his voice quiet but firm. He’d learned awhile ago it was the easiest way to get her attention. “He’s not the same person he was before. I don’t know if we can go back to that. He’s not going to look at me the same way. I don’t...” another sip of beer, another delay of a confession. “I can’t go back to him as something less than everything. And I can’t go back to him if he’s going to leave again. Or if he thinks I’m someone who can just be left.” Another sip, and now he was just staring down at the stupid chopsticks. “If he does it again.”   
  
He kept looking down, even as he felt the change of position around him, Ali’s hands taking his half-eaten food away, Casey sliding into the seat beside him as she headed into the kitchen.   
  
“Noah.”   
  
Casey’s voice was surprisingly calm, aware. Gentle. Noah found himself looking up at him. Uh-oh. The last time Casey had looked at him like that had been...   
  
Because of Mason.   
  
\---   
  
_The basement of the campus library is the perfect spot. It’s quiet and dark, which has the combined benefit of allowing Noah to hear when someone is coming and hide so they don’t see him.  
  
He’s gotten really good at hiding lately.  
  
This particular corner hub has become his favorite this week. Even his entire six foot frame fits comfortably between the two end stacks. The only person who would probably think to look for him here is- was...  
  
Noah clears his throat painfully, slowing down his breaths so he won’t start freaking out. It’s been almost four months. It shouldn’t still feel like this, right? Like all the air suddenly turns on him, hurting instead of helping him breathe?  
  
He’s never really understood that whole Stages of Grief thing. When his mom died, it was just numbness. When his dad “died,” it was anger. Lots of anger. And now, with...  
  
Maybe, he realizes, he just thought the stages would be perfectly evened out and easy to knock through. Denial, he’s done that. Anger and bargaining, he wouldn’t even know how. But the depression, he’s gotten to that fairly easily. And it won’t let go.  
  
He doesn’t see himself accepting.  
  
He forcefully opens a book, almost shoving at the cover to distract himself._  Get it together, Mayer.  _People are beginning to notice. Emma is starting to give him concerned looks when he stops by the farm to see her and the kids. Jack tries to call him every so often. And he’s pretty sure Damian is getting way more coffee than he needs to, stopping in Java a few times a week when Noah is on shift.  
  
Maybe Damian is right, what he mentioned a few days ago- maybe it’s time to look for a new (better) job. And Noah sees the benefit of it; everyone knows they can find him at Java. Everyone. He can’t stop the slight shudder down his spine, the bitter taste in his mouth. Mason.  
  
Unconsciously, Noah folds more into his hiding spot. At least Mason hasn’t found this place yet. Noah’s safe here. Relatively speaking.  
  
The shaking finally stops, but Noah can’t concentrate on the textbook in his lap. He distantly realizes it’s been weeks since class started, and he has yet to read anything in it. That should worry him, probably. It would worry Luke.  
  
He throws the book to the side, presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. He hates everything about everything. He hates Mason. And he’s so scared that-  
  
“How can you sit here? This place is so creepy.”  
  
Noah flinches, one arm raising defensively before recognizing Casey’s shadow in the doorway. “What?”  
  
Casey is quiet for a second, eyeing Noah’s raised arm, waiting for him to put it down and relax a little. “It was a bitch trying to find you down here. And for the record? This place looks way too much like the library from Ghostbusters. I don’t like it.”  
  
Noah clears his throat again, tries to rearrange his textbooks so they look organized and not ignored. “How’d you know I was here?”  
  
Casey shrugs, stepping into the little nook. “I put a tracking device in your shoe.” Off Noah’s look, he grins. “I saw you outside, realized I haven’t seen you in like,” he checks his watch for no reason. “Two weeks.”  
  
Noah almost flinches again. Has it really been two weeks? Even then, even as fucked up as life had been two weeks ago, Noah wishes he could go back. Undo what he’s done.  
  
“Noah,” Casey’s voice is surprisingly calm, steady. “Is something, um, new going on?”  
  
Noah surprises himself by nodding. He keeps his head up, trying to stay aware of the door just in case, keeping watch. But he can’t look at Casey.  
  
“Did something...” Casey trails off, then suddenly pushes close, urgent and worried. “Your dad. Did he do something?”  
  
Of course Casey’s worried about that; Margo was shot last time the Colonel appeared. He tries to smile reassuringly (it hurts to) and shakes his head. “No.”  
  
“Then what?” Casey, maybe proving he really wants to know, settles onto the floor next to him, thankfully not facing him directing. It makes it easier for Noah to talk.  
  
Well, relatively easier. “I cheated on Luke.” It suddenly occurs to him that it’s been awhile since Noah has said his name out loud.  
  
Casey freezes next to him. “What?”  
  
He rubs his fingers together, needing something to do. “I- I don’t know.”  
  
Casey’s quiet for a minute. “Have you met someone? It’s okay if you have, it’s been months, buddy.”  
  
He shakes his head. “It’s not that. At all.”  
  
“Then what is it?” Casey does turn to look at him head-on, and Noah cringes, can’t hide.  
  
So it all tumbles out. “I don’t even know if I wanted to. But I said okay. I just needed something. That’s really bad, right? Because Luke hates him. Hated. And he kept getting too close, but I didn’t stop him. I said okay. And slept with him. I can’t stop feeling like I cheated on Luke. I betrayed him.”  
  
“The fuck?” Casey mumbles, running a hand through his hair. “Who, Noah? What’s going on? And what do you mean you didn’t want to?”  
  
“Mason,” Noah looks down at the floor, feeling his face burn, unable to stop his voice from cracking. “I slept with him.”  
  
Another dead silence. “Your teacher.” It’s not a question. “Shit.” Also not a question. “What happened?” That one is, but Noah just shrugs at it. “Noah, come on.”  
  
“I guess Luke was right about him,” he says to the floor. “Only reason he was nice to me and gave me any attention was because he wanted to sleep with me.”  
  
“Jesus,” Casey blows out a breath slowly. “What do you mean when you said you didn’t want to? Did... did he force you-”  
  
“No,” Noah interjects quickly. “I knew what was going on. I said okay. I let him.”  
  
“Letting and wanting are different things,” Casey argues. “He shouldn’t have put you in that position. He shouldn’t have been pressuring you at all. Never mind he’s your teacher. Never mind you just lost Luke. No. If you weren’t interested, he should have stopped.”  
  
“Thanks, Mr. PSA,” Noah mumbles. “It’s not like it matters now.”  
  
“It_  always  _matters. I don’t care,” Casey snaps. “When did it happen?”  
  
“Two weeks ago,” Noah’s back to trying to hide. “And then a few days later. And then the day after that.” He wants to take a shower just saying it.  
  
“Still? Now?” Casey sounds surprisingly non-judgemental.  
  
He shakes his head vehemently. “I ended it last week, I swear.”  
  
Casey takes another breath, almost hesitant. “So then why are you hiding a week later?”  
  
Noah doesn’t really know how to explain this part. “He doesn’t want to end it. And he knows where I work, and where my classes are, my dorm...” God this is really pathetic when he says it out loud.  
  
“Has he been, um, following you?” At Noah’s nod, Casey curses again. “Have you been sleeping at your dorm, then? Fuck, of course not. Noah, you need to tell someone. This has to stop.”  
  
“I can’t. Everyone will know we- that I-” He scrubs a hand across his face. He really, really wants Luke. Right now. Even just for two seconds. He just wants Luke to hug him and help him feel like maybe things will be okay. Things don’t feel that way right now. And the patheticness of that almost has him crying.  
  
He still hates everything about everything.  
  
“Screw this.” Casey is in a flurry, picking up Noah’s books, grabbing his arm. “No. This is_  not  _going to go down this way. You have any plans for the rest of the day?”  
  
“I’m supposed to have dinner with Damian,” he answers numbly, suddenly too tired to argue with Tropical Storm Casey (Luke is- was- a hurricane, no one else will ever come close).  
  
“Cancel,” Casey says after trying very hard not to react to that. “Come back to my house. Take a nap. Eat my mom’s shitty cooking. You need it.”  
  
“Casey, I can’t-”  
  
“I know it’s shitty cooking, but you need it,” Casey smoothly talks over him. “Then you’re going to go see a movie with Ali, something stupid. And I’m going to talk to my parents about this.”  
  
Noah does try to pull back then. “No way, you-”  
  
More talking over him. “I’ll pull a hypothetical situation on them, okay? But come on, I’ve got a cop and a lawyer at my house, man. Literally a whole episode of Law and Order at my disposal. I won’t mention your name.”  
  
Somehow, they’re already outside the library. Noah is dimly aware that they went out the lesser-used side entrance and actually- for a second- wants to smile. He finally manages to talk once they’re safely in Casey’s car. “You don’t have to do any of this.”  
  
Casey goes still, solemn, looking at the steering wheel. “Look. I know we became friends through Luke. And you and I haven’t had a lot of one-on-one time. But Luke’s gone, and you and I are still here. And... and all the shit we’ve gotten into, you didn’t have to be there to help me, or Ali, or Maddie or whoever. You can’t tell me you pitched in just because you were his boyfriend. You’re a part of the gang, got it? You’re my friend. I don’t always realize it, but I’m pretty sure I trust you with just about everything. So you have to trust me too, okay?”  
  
He looks over at Noah, and all Noah can do is nod. “O-okay.”  
  
“Okay, “Casey echoes, starting the car. “Besides,” he smirks. “I’d make a kickass bodyguard.”_   
  
\---   
  
Casey was looking at him that same way now. Noah thought of everything they’d trusted each other with for the last few years. He’d been the one to pick up the pieces of Casey and Ali’s first engagement, the insane ‘Mick’ debacle, and get them back together. They’d put up with his temper tantrums while he’d been blind. They were the closest friends he’d ever had, besides Luke.   
  
“I don’t know, Case,” he sighed. “It’s just too much right now. We can’t just magically be back together. He- he left me behind, and I’ve been spending the last couple years doing the same.”   
  
“You’ve been trying to,” Casey corrected. “And hey- he wanted to make sweet, sweet love to you last night. Pretty sure he’s not over it either.”   
  
Noah couldn’t help but smile, rolling his eyes. “I can’t just jump right back in. If he decides to leave, that that new life of his is better? I’m not going through that again.”   
  
“Yeah, that was pretty brutal,” Casey casually mused. He sat back in his chair. “Look, I’ll just say this. On behalf of myself and the missus in there,” he hooked a thumb back towards the kitchen, “who’s probably eavesdropping on this, we just want you to be happy.” Ali appeared in the doorway, blushing a little. “Personally, I think Luke could have something to do with that, but whatever. You happy, us happy.”   
  
Noah smiled, took the hug Ali gave him, but inside he just shook his head. He didn’t really believe in happy endings anymore.   
  
***   
  
“Here you go, honey,” Lily appeared next to him with a plate of dishes. “Thank you for dinner.”   
  
“Thanks,” Luke took the dishes from her, rinsing right away, pretending he didn’t notice how she lingered next to him, her hands fidgeting at her sides.   
  
“It’s a nice apartment,” she finally spoke, turning to lean back against the counter and face away from him, as though she were studying the kitchen (for what would be the third time that night).   
  
“Thanks,” he said again, a little less sure this time. It was a nice apartment, the best he could afford on his salary from Grimaldi. It was... enough. For now.   
  
She didn’t even really hesitate with it this time. “Are you sure you don’t want a bigger place, or closer to home? You can use your-”   
  
“Please don’t say trust fund,” he held up a hand, sending a few soap bubbles into the air. (Noah would’ve told him that meant he was using too much soap. But Noah wasn’t here. Luke was tempted to pour in even more soap, right now. Just. Because.)   
  
Lily mom-pouted. “But it’s your money, Luke. It’s yours to use however you want; you’re old enough now.”   
  
“I don’t want to use it just for things I ‘want’, Mom,” he said quietly. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t get rid of it.”   
  
She was silent for a moment. “I couldn’t, for awhile. It was too hard. And then, we- I figured we could keep it as is, move it into the other kids’ accounts at some point, or the foundation, or... I don’t know. It was easier to do nothing.”   
  
“But Grandmother’s money, I thought she’d do something with hers,” he turned to her finally, curious about this one.   
  
Lily winced. “She tried. She was going to give it to someone else, but he wouldn’t accept it.”   
  
_Noah._  Did all fucking roads have to lead back to Noah?  _Yes._  And why would he turn down Lucinda’s money but accept Damian’s? It didn’t make sense. “Why did she leave?” Luke asked, finally. He’d been dying to know since his first night back too.   
  
Lily shook her head. “Damian bought Worldwide. She couldn’t see that it was... it was to help her. Keep the company secure, give it more financial backing. She couldn’t accept that. And she,” Lily sighed, took a few steps, walked back. “She didn’t approve of some of my choices. And I wasn’t going to let her change my mind. So, when John Dixon offered to take her to Europe,” Lily shrugged, very precise. “She left.” Then she eyed Luke, suspicious. “I would’ve thought she told you all this on the phone.”   
  
Luke frowned. “I tried. She wouldn’t talk about it.” The phone calls he’d had with Lucinda since coming back had been so awkward. Lucinda sounded different. Hardened. Much more like the imperious person she’d always pretended to be. Now, though, Luke couldn’t see through the mask. The only time Lucinda seemed happy was when she talked about John or the letters the kids sent her.   
  
Nothing about the past. They were still a lot alike, weren’t they?   
  
(Noah would point out that Lucinda’s transformation probably had a lot to do with not having Luke around as her shoulder to lean on, her anchor. Luke promptly ignored that.)   
  
“I’m staying here,” he got back to their original discussion. “for now, at least.” It was on the opposite side of town from everyone else- the farm, Damian, the office, Noah. The farthest he could be away without being gone.   
  
Another silence as Lily started helping him dry the dishes. “I miss him every day,” she finally said.   
  
Luke dropped the glass in his hand, cursing when it crashed into the sink and broke, cutting his finger.   
  
“Honey-” Lily reached for his hand.   
  
He yanked it away. “Don’t.” Wrapping a dish towel around the cut, he headed to the bathroom, leaving her behind. By the time he got back, calmer and Band-Aided, the broken glass was cleared away, the rest of the dishes washed and dried. Lily was sitting at his little breakfast table, waiting and expectant.   
  
He sat across from her. “Mom.”   
  
She shook her head. “I do. I miss him. And I still love him. I always will.”   
  
“But he’s gone,” Luke snapped. “And you had no problem with Damian-”   
  
“I needed to not be alone, Luke. Damian, he loves me. It’s why he’s so-”   
  
“Controlling?” If she could interrupt Luke, he could interrupt right back.   
  
“It’s not controlling,” she insisted. “It’s just the only way he knows how to show he cared. He wants to take care of us, that’s all.”   
  
“It’s still not okay for it to be so soon,” he muttered. “Jack said it took like a month before he moved in.”   
  
She deflated a little. “I know. But I was a wreck. Everyone was grieving, Faith was acting out, I needed help. I know Faith and Natalie are still angry about it-” and they probably weren’t the only ones- “But it was the only thing that got me through.”   
  
And on some level, Luke could understand that. But he still hated it.   
  
And Lily could probably see that. “I- I hope, some day, you can forgive me,” she said softly.   
  
It was an opening he didn’t know he’d been looking for until now. “If you do something for me.”   
  
“Anything,” she assured, sitting forward and taking his hand.   
  
“You have to forgive Noah.” Her hand stilled around his, but he grabbed on. “You have to. None of that was his fault, and he’s still paying for it.”   
  
She looked away. “Luke...”   
  
“It wasn’t his fault I was there any more than it was Dad’s fault the truck crashed,” he barreled on. “You can’t be mad at Noah and not mad at him.”   
  
“I was mad at Holden,” she admitted. “I yelled at that stupid barn so many times after.”   
  
Luke had to smile. “Me too.” Only he’d gone back to the cemetery and yelled there. “You have to stop punishing Noah. You love him, Mom, you have from the beginning. And he loves you. You were the first mom-person he ever had.”   
  
There were tears in her eyes, but they weren’t angry so Luke hoped this was working. “It’s just so hard, honey,” she half-whispered. “Everywhere I saw him- working with Damian or going to the farm or taking Ethan to school, I kept thinking it should’ve been you there. And you weren’t.”   
  
“That’s not his fault,” Luke said. “Don’t you think he was trying to do all those things to make up for it?” Suddenly, that’s exactly what Luke was thinking. “You have to stop, Mom. Let go.”   
  
“What about you?” Lily asked, voice still soft. “Are you letting go?”   
  
They sat in silence while Luke tried to figure out his answer. It was silent for a long time.


	5. The Twisting Kaleidoscope

He still hadn’t figured it out days later. He kept floating through, going to work, doing more secret investigating that went nowhere, trying to reconnect with his family without fully... diving in. He wasn’t home yet, not really. No sense getting their hopes up, just in case, right?   
  
“See, he likes it when you tickle his tummy like this,” Natalie explained, teasing Lee with little pokes before attacking his stomach. Lee giggled as only a toddler could, rolling this way and that on the grass.   
  
Luke couldn’t help but grin even as he looked up and around the yard. Ethan and Faith were over by the corral, saddling up one of the horses Luke wasn’t familiar with. He was still amazed that Ethan was big enough to ride now, that Faith was old enough to teach him.   
  
“Luke, did you see?” Natalie, impatient, brought him back out of his thoughts.   
  
“I saw,” he smiled at her, bringing Lee up off the ground and into his lap, focusing on his youngest sister. “Grandma says your dance recital’s coming up soon, are you excited?”   
  
Natalie’s face lit up. “Are you gonna come to it?”   
  
“Of course!” he reached out and tickled her for a second before she moved out of the way. “Why wouldn’t I?”   
  
Natalie snuck a glance over at Faith, then continued quieter, “Mom’s not going. Because Noah is. Faith doesn’t want to go, because Damian is. She’s only going because Noah said she had to, and he promised to make us pancakes after. Ethan’s going, but he doesn’t want to because it’s girly.” She shrugged. “It’s all very complicated,” she informed him, obviously parroting a phrase she’d heard some adult say.   
  
He would’ve smiled at that except for the, well,  _everything_  else she’d said. “Wow.” He shook his head. “That is complicated.”   
  
Natalie nodded solemnly. “Everyone needs help being okay again.”   
  
His heart stuttered in its beating for a second. “Huh?”   
  
She shrugged, tickling at Lee again. “Everybody changed when you and Dad died. And people kept telling us, the kids, that things would be okay again, we just had to give it time. But nothing's better yet.” She pouted a little. “I miss things the way they were.”   
  
Luke managed to snag her by the sleeve this time and pull her close, hugging her to his side. “I do too, Nat. But I don’t think things can go back to the way they were. I’m sorry.”   
  
She nodded a little, probably understanding more than he’d given her credit for. “But can’t you make things better? Make Mom and Noah happy again? You made  _me_  happier.”   
  
He kissed the top of her head. “I don’t know. But you make me happier too. Even if you’re still too short.”   
  
She laughed, shoved at him. “Am not.”   
  
“Are too.”   
  
“Am not!” she was about to hit him again when Faith somehow magically appeared in front of them.   
  
“Ethan wants to ride with you, Nat,” her voice was so much older now. Luke couldn’t get over it.   
  
“Okay!” Natalie sprang up and over to where Ethan sat on top of the tethered horse, waiting. She untied the lead and hopped up behind Ethan, taking them in a slow walk around the corral.   
  
Luke watched them a little anxiously. “Nat, be caref-”   
  
“She’s almost thirteen, Luke. In case you forgot,” Faith shut him up. “She’s done this a million times. It’s fine.”   
  
Luke winced at her tone but nodded, concentrating on Lee. “Do you want to talk about it?” he kept his head down while he asked.   
  
“Talk about what?”   
  
“Why you’re mad at me.” He looked up in just enough time to see her frown and flinch and try to hide both.   
  
She sat down across from him. “I’m not mad at you.”   
  
“Yeah, you are,” he argued.   
  
She was quiet, almost glaring, then sighed. “Yeah, I am.” She watched Natalie and Ethan for a minute, then started in. “Why did you stay away?”   
  
It was the question he knew was coming. “I was scared. And messed up a little from the accident. For awhile I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t handle it.”   
  
“Then why didn’t you come home? Why did you let us think you died too?”   
  
“I didn’t know that’s what you all thought,” he protested.   
  
“So instead you thought you were just letting us think you ran away? Like that’s better?” her voice rose a little bit, but was still so strong, demanding. She sounded like Lucinda.   
  
“It’s complicated, Faith. Maybe someday you’ll understand what it’s like to-”   
  
“Luke,” she snapped, exasperated, accidentally causing Lee to forget his game of prying blades of grass out of the ground. “How old were you when you came out?”   
  
Hello, abrupt change of subject. “What?”   
  
“How old were you?”   
  
“I was s-” he stopped. Oh. Damn. Faith really  _was_  a mini-Lucinda.   
  
“The same age I am right now?” she kept at it. When he didn’t answer, she nodded. “Exactly. Those were pretty ‘complicated’ feeling you had then. So maybe I’m more capable of talking about this stuff than you think. Time didn’t stand still while you were gone, Luke. We all grew up. And it would’ve been better if you were here.”   
  
“Why?” he couldn’t stop himself.   
  
She glared, but only a little at him. This glare was aimed more at the world. “Everything was a mess,” she answered. “There was nobody to help take care of things. Noah tried, but he was upset too. And Mom was mad at him. And she was crazy anyway, taking sleeping pills, accepting whatever Damian wanted. Grandma almost sold the farm. Ethan kept asking when you two were coming home. Natalie didn’t want to go to school. Jack and Janet and Carly were fighting. And Damian was...” she grimaced. “Okay, he helped take care of some things. But he was always around, and Mom and Noah just  _let_  him.” She finally paused to take a breath. “You should have been here. To help. And keep him away.”   
  
“It’s not my job to do that,” he argued desperately.   
  
“Yes it is!” she wasn’t exactly calm either. “You’re the big brother! That’s your job!”   
  
“Why?” he still can’t help it. “Why is it my responsibility to-”   
  
“Because it is!” she insisted. “Because if you want the good things of a family like ours and a home like this, and Grandma, and all the office jobs they give you, and your friends and- and Noah, then you have to do the work to earn it.”   
  
He was shocked into silence. Lee was too, apparently. He toppled back into Luke’s lap, thumb going into his mouth, staring at Faith.   
  
She blushed a little. “We... we all have responsibilities. And I really could’ve used your help. I needed you to tell me what to  _do_ , Luke. I couldn’t stop anything from happening. And Noah got hurt and almost died and- and he was blind and so mad at everyone for months,” her voice was cracking, near tears. “He was pulling away, and we were letting him. And all I kept thinking was that you’d know what to do. And I didn’t. And I knew you’d be so disappointed that I didn’t fix-” she hiccupped a little. “I’m so sorry, Luke, I’m sorry!”   
  
He pulled her in just like he’d done with Natalie, holding her close while kinda crying himself and trying not to freak Lee out too much. “God, Faith, no. It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I am. None of it’s your fault. None of it,” he repeated it over and over until they both calmed down.   
  
He saw Natalie studying them for a bit from by the barn before she helped Ethan off the horse and led them into the barn. It almost set him off crying again. Nat saw they needed more time and got Ethan distracted and out of the way. She was growing up too.   
  
They all were. Except Luke.   
  
Faith wiped at her eyes. “I’m sorry, Luke. I know you weren’t at, like, Disney World or whatever while this was all going on. I know you’re messed up and hurt and I’m sorry. I just... I missed you. I wanted you here.”   
  
“I’m here now,” his voice croaked under the weight of it all. And, strangely enough, the unburdening of some of it too. “I’m not going anywhere.”   
  
“Promise,” she didn’t pose it as a question. It was a Lucinda-Walsh-command.   
  
He squeezed tighter for a second before slowly letting go. “Promise.”   
  
Now he just had to figure out if he actually meant it or not..   
  
***   
  
He stared at the office door for a good two minutes.  _Okay. Man up._  Instead of knocking, you know, like an adult, he opened the door without warning. “Hey, I need your help.”   
  
Noah shot up from the couch he’d been half-lying on. “What?”   
  
Luke stopped. Had he been sleeping? “I, uh, I need your help,” he repeated.   
  
Noah blinked heavily. “With... what?” He shook his head. “What?”   
  
He took a deep breath. Friends. They were trying to be Friends-with-a-capital-F. He could do this. “Damian put me in charge of charity outreach. It’s like the Foundation all over again. I have all this money and I have to decide who to donate it to.” He paused long enough for Noah’s brain to catch up. “You wanna help?”   
  
Noah blinked again. “I... okay?”   
  
Luke grinned, pretending this was not at all awkward. And, ninja-like, he immediately sat at Noah’s desk so Noah wouldn’t have to give up his spot on the couch if he was comfortable there. “Okay. I’ve got it narrowed down to six groups.”   
  
“Six?” Noah shot him that indulgent, skeptical smile he was so good at. Luke pinched his leg through his jeans (he still wasn’t wearing suits to work), keeping himself from reacting. “I’m impressed you got it that narrowed down.”   
  
He crumpled up some of his notes into a ball, tossing it at Noah’s head. “Shut up. Help me pick one.”   
  
Noah leaned back, getting (hopefully) comfortable again. “Why not just split the money six ways?”   
  
Luke clacked his teeth together, going over his proposals. “That’s my Plan B. Even then, though, I’d want it narrowed down to maybe three.”   
  
“Okay. Tell me what they are,” Noah sank down into the couch even more, yawning a little.   
  
Luke narrowed his eyes. “Tired?”   
  
Noah froze. Just a bit, but enough for Luke to see. “A little. No big deal.”   
  
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Luke wasn’t sure if Friends-with-capital-F asked those questions. “Okay.”   
  
It was Noah’s turn to narrow his eyes, even as he stretched out fully, head resting against the arm. “What?”   
  
Luke waved away the... whatever... between them. “Nothing. You’re going to get a crick in your neck,” he mock-scolded, setting aside some files and picking up some new ones.   
  
Noah shrugged one shoulder. “I think better this way.”   
  
“Then you should lay down more often,” he mumbled, grinning and ducking when that crumpled up ball of paper narrowly missed his head. Eyes going back to his reports, he started listing off the names of each charity, their qualifications, his likes and dislikes. When he was finally through the list, he sighed. “I just don’t get this, how-” he finally looked back up. And stopped.   
  
Noah was asleep, face turned into the arm of the couch. Towards Luke.   
  
Luke found himself staring for a few minutes, the first time he’d felt really uninhibited and relaxed since coming back to Oakdale. And he could stare at Noah. It used to be his favorite, favorite thing to stare at. Used to? Luke didn’t know anymore   
  
A part of Luke, the biggest part, still wanted to leave town. To realize this wasn’t his life anymore, he couldn’t come back to this. To hop on a bus and go back to Tim and Peter and that ugly coffee shop and forget Luke Snyder ever existed. Because this was all too much and too hard.   
  
But the other part of him wanted to keep watching Noah sleep. He remembered the way Noah wouldn’t necessarily snore, but he would just sort of sigh in his sleep sometimes, usually right before rolling over and into Luke. And when Luke would wrap an arm around him or kiss him on the nose, he’d kinda hum for a second. Maybe like purring. Happy.   
  
Luke remembered how Noah would always remember every possible type of anniversary- the day they met, first kiss, first date, first I love you. He’d always make a huge deal out of Luke’s birthday, and always be surprised and giddy when people made a big deal out of his.   
  
He remembered how Noah would plan their movie nights around a theme- a certain director or actor, or a genre, ‘bank robbers’ or ‘musicals better than Mama Mia.’ How Noah always tapped the top of his soda can six times before opening it. How he’d keep a pencil between his teeth while typing up a paper. How he’d draw Luke in for the best hug in the world when Luke needed it. How he’d come back from class blushing on the days Luke left dirty love notes in his text books. Never mad, though. Just blushing   
  
And he remembered how he was able to get Noah to sleep when he had insomnia (depending on the reason, cuddling or blow jobs usually did the trick), how he could get Noah to take meds when he had a cold, or take a break when he’d been studying for too long and was frying his brain. How he could coax Noah into sharing, unburdening, feeling better.   
  
Who did that for Noah now? Luke had been able to live without that stuff because it was what he deserved after everything that happened. But Noah... Noah needed someone to take care of him. Noah needed someone to  _show_ him it was good to be taken care of.   
  
Luke didn’t trust anyone else to do that.   
  
He sat back then, startled. What the hell. He hadn’t meant to think that. Sometimes he wished he could control his brain better. He chewed at his lip, really confused. Okay, he wanted Noah to be safe and happy, he knew that much.   
  
And... and he wanted to be the one to make him that way. He really, really did.   
  
He didn’t just love Noah.   
  
He wanted him. Needed him.   
  
Luke sat back even more. Well, shit. Now what was he supposed to do?   
  
***   
  
Luke flipped through another of Emily’s findings, eyeing her highlighted notes and big red arrows over bank account numbers and... offshore accounts? Luke had no idea. None of it made sense, numbers jumbling in his brain forwards and backwards until he was half-convinced he might be dyslexic. Maybe once this was all over he’d take a course in accounting.   
  
When this was over... when... Luke shook his head. Oakdale didn’t,  _couldn’t_ , feel like home. Holden was gone, Noah was as good as gone (for him), and his family? They were all different. They functioned without him now. His old life here was over, and the longer Luke hung around, the more it hurt. Maybe-   
  
His cell phone rang with what was probably very good timing. Luke wasn’t sure he wanted to know where that thought was going. “Hello?”   
  
“I could hear you brooding from across the Atlantic, darling,” Lucinda’s voice cut through as dry as ever.   
  
“Hello, Grandmother,” he sighed, partly in exaggeration, but partly in truth. “Is everything okay?”   
  
“You tell me. And while you’re at it, you can tell me why your credit card was used to purchase a bus ticket back to Kentucky for next week.”   
  
“You’ve been monitoring my credit card?” he accused, eyes narrowed.   
  
“Oh, of course I have, of course I have. Why are you going back there?”   
  
He sighed again, quieter, hoping she wouldn’t hear that one. “I thought I could find out the truth about the accident by now, but I haven’t. I’m giving myself another week, and then...” he trailed off.   
  
“And then what?” she demanded. “You’ll go away again? For good?”   
  
“I don’t know, maybe!” he snapped. “I don’t- This isn’t me anymore. Dad is gone and never coming back, ever, and maybe I shouldn’t have. I haven’t made anything better, I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He shook his head, blinking back sudden tears he didn’t know he had left in him. Natalie and Faith, they didn’t know any better. They were wrong to say they still needed him. Right?   
  
He shouldn’t need them either anymore. Right?   
  
Lucinda snorted. “Luciano Snyder, if I could smack the back of your silly head right now, I would. Happily.”   
  
“What?” he glared, and was slightly glad she couldn’t see him do it.   
  
“Your father will never totally, truly be gone if those who love him are still around. Do you think he’d want you acting this way?” She barreled on before he could answer. “You’re Holden Snyder’s boy, that’s who you are. That’s who you’re meant to be.”   
  
Luke shook his head again, defenses starting to crumble. “Not anymore. I can’t change what happened, I can’t... he...” Luke was shaking all over now. “It’s in the past, I let it go.”   
  
Lucinda’s voice going soft was almost his undoing. “Darling, you haven’t let it go, you’ve just ignored it. You don’t run from the past, Luke, you learn from it.” They were both silent for a moment before she continued. “There is so much of him still alive in you. You’re his son. And you’re my grandson, and I will not tolerate anyone speaking ill of my grandson, not even you.” Her voice had grown haughty, Lucinda-y, by the end.   
  
“I... what?”   
  
“Do you think so little of yourself that you really believe we wouldn’t want you back in our lives? Not as someone righting a wrong or fixing the past, but just as you? We love you, Luke. Did you think three years would erase that?” She sighed herself, weary. “Darling, there’s not enough time in the world to take away love like that.”   
  
He couldn’t help it, he sniffed a little, wiping at his eyes. Nat and Faith, they hadn’t mentioned the accident or Holden when talking to him. Casey and Ali had been so happy just to see him. Noah had...   
  
He’d have to work on Noah.   
  
“Do you understand me, boy?” Lucinda was stern, but it was that mock-stern he’d always grinned at when no one else had seen through it. He’d always loved that.   
  
“Yeah, Grandmother, I- I do. I love you too.”   
  
“Where are you, darling? Right now?”   
  
Luke glanced around his apartment. His bag he’d brought from Kentucky had slowly unpacked itself without him realizing. “I think I’m home.”   
  
“I think so too,” he could hear her smile.   
  
For a few minutes after they hung up, Luke just stared. At his apartment, at Emily’s notes in front of him. It was time to figure all this out. It was time to get on with his life, his real life. He picked up his phone again. “Emily,” he said when it was picked up after the first ring. “It’s Luke. Get together anyone important and come over to my place. I need to know exactly what’s going on. Now.”   
  
***   
  
“So...” Casey looked around Luke’s living room, tapping his fingers sporadically on his knee. “This is weird.”   
  
“Casey,” Luke admonished only half-heartedly, because, yeah. It was awkward. They hadn’t exactly assembled the A-Team here.   
  
But then again, Emily Stewart was way scarier than Mr. T.   
  
And she was currently glaring at him. “Well? Are you going to call the damn meeting to order or whatever?”   
  
He didn’t blush, he didn’t stutter, and he didn’t acknowledge Reid Oliver’s snort of laughter. “We’re all here. What’ve you got?” he asked her instead.   
  
Emily dropped a stack of folders, papers, tapes, and what definitely looked like official medical forms on the table in front of her. “I think I know who killed Holden Snyder.”   
  
Luke flinched only a little. It wasn’t him. He wasn’t responsible. He was accepting that, he was.   
  
“Wait, what?” Casey sat forward. “For real? For real. It’s official? Someone caused the accident?”   
  
She nodded. “It took a lot of digging and a lot of money,” she quirked half of a genuine smile in Luke’s direction, “but I got the original police report from Kentucky. Before it was doctored. The brake lines were severed. Not all the way, just enough that they’d wear and tear later on. Like, say, during a long drive in the mountains.”   
  
“So it happened here in Oakdale,” Luke guessed.   
  
Another nod. “You weren’t supposed to be on that trip, were you Luke?”   
  
He shook his head slowly. “No.” His voice went low. Because suddenly, he saw it. He saw it all, every piece of the puzzle. Okay, almost every piece. And he should’ve seen it sooner.   
  
“Wait, how’d you know that?” Casey was developing his crazy eyes, trying to keep up with all the possible outcomes of this. Reid, Luke noted distantly, still sat next to Emily, impassive.   
  
“Damian,” Luke said, voice still quiet. “It was Damian, wasn’t it?”   
  
“Well, fuck,” Casey growled when Emily nodded. “Fuck. Of fucking course.”   
  
“Take me through it,” Luke clenched his hands into fists. He wished Noah was here. And was glad he wasn’t.   
  
Emily tried to go for a soft approach, Luke could tell. “He wanted Holden out of the picture. He wanted you and your mother back with him. And he knew Holden would be driving through those mountains and, well, he knew how to make it look like an accident. He didn’t know you were there with Holden until it was too late.”   
  
Luke swallowed hard but nodded, keeping his eyes down. “And after?” He felt Casey move a few inches closer to him, and he had to admit it made him feel a little better.   
  
“He covered his tracks really well,” Emily opened a folder and showed him a list of bank transactions he really didn’t understand. “He knew exactly the right people to bribe and exactly how much to bribe with. He got someone in the local police there to go along with this.”   
  
“Why didn’t he skip town, then? Why’d he stay here?” Casey asked.   
  
“He’s arrogant,” Luke murmured. “He thought he won. He wanted to enjoy the spoils.”   
  
Emily nodded, but it was Reid who spoke up, sitting forward a little. “He did more than that. He saw he could do anything at that point, and he wanted more. He was probably pissed at himself for losing his son,” Reid nodded to Luke, “so he needed more.”   
  
Emily picked up where he left off. “I’m not sure if it became a game to see how much of this town he could take over, or if he honestly thought he was taking care of everything to make up for losing you. But he couldn’t stop.”   
  
“He got one of his guys elected mayor,” Casey realized, jumping in. “Took over the police station to get them on his side. Bought up the major businesses.”   
  
“And got control over the two people who knew and loved you best,” Reid spoke up again. “Your mother and Noah.”   
  
“Jesus,” Casey rubbed his forward. “This is... Jesus.” He looked to Luke. “You okay?”   
  
Luke had to smile a little. “I don’t know. Probably not. But I’m also... not really surprised.” Casey just shook his head, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder for a second.   
  
“There’s more, Luke, if you’re ready,” Emily tried to go for gentle again. “We’re pretty sure Holden isn’t the only person he’s responsible for killing.”   
  
“We?” Luke looked back and forth between her and Reid. Who almost kinda smirked at him.   
  
“Oh, dude, don’t even try to understand this friendship. It will fuck with your brain,” Casey muttered. The identical glares Emily and Reid sent his way was creepy enough.   
  
Luke waved a hand, getting back on topic. “Who else?”   
  
“A professor at Oakdale University,” Emily looked straight at Luke. “Two years ago. Who had just been fired for-”   
  
“Mason?” Luke was sideswiped by this one. He felt Casey sit back heavily in his chair next to him. “But he- I thought he left town.”   
  
“He was helped,” Reid explained, his voice finally tight and angry for the first time that night. “I don’t think it was his idea to leave, and we don’t think he got very far.”   
  
“There were locked police files. He was ‘carjacked’ and killed before he even got out of town,” Emily pushed said file in his direction.   
  
Luke didn’t touch it. “How do you know? Where did you get this?”   
  
“Grimaldi had it in his office,” Reid answered. “I stole it, made a copy, put it back.”   
  
“When?” Luke’s eyes went wide, he couldn’t help it. “Why?”   
  
And Reid looked uncomfortable for the first time since Luke had really met him. “I don’t like what he’s doing to Noah, okay? Emily needed help, so I did it. Every time I go to visit Noah at his office, I see what things I can get.”   
  
_How often are you visiting Noah?_  he wanted to ask but didn’t. “Did... did he do it to protect Noah or threaten him?” he asked, more to himself than the others.   
  
Emily answered anyway. “Maybe both. Reid says Noah suspects something, but as far as I know he hasn’t really said anything either way.” She shrugged. “We have little bits of proof here and there, Luke. Probably enough to accuse and get a legitimate investigation going. But I don’t know if there’s enough to convict him. Not yet.”   
  
“How do we get it?” he asked. His blood was nearly boiling through his veins. He needed to do something.   
  
“There’s a safe in his office. It has to have something, anything to convict him on anything. Bribery, fraud, murder, conspiracy, anything will be enough to get the ball rolling,” Emily shrugged again. “We just need to figure out how to get in there without getting killed.”   
  
Luke was silent for a minute, studying Emily and Reid. “Why are you helping me? And don’t say because of the money or the interview.”   
  
Emily frowned, looking down at her notes so she wouldn’t have to look at Luke. “I was with Paul Ryan a few years ago. We were going to get married. Then Damian had your aunt shipped off to some institution north of Chicago, and Paul decided their daughter needed to be with both parents. So he moved up there to be near Meg. And I lost him.” She finally looked up, eyes clear and stony. “If I can get Damian gone, he- they can come back.”   
  
Luke just nodded, knowing better than to say anything. “And you?” he turned to Reid.   
  
Reid raised one eyebrow. “Isn’t it obvious? Noah.”   
  
“But you two aren’t together,” Luke argued. “I bet you never were.”   
  
Reid still didn’t react, despite both Emily and Casey suddenly looking very curious. And surprised. “What makes you say that?” Reid asked, smirking a little now.   
  
“Noah would’ve told me,” he insisted, firm. “No matter what’s going on, he would have.”   
  
“There’s a lot of stuff he hasn’t told you,” Reid said calmly.   
  
That was so true it hurt, but Luke pushed it aside. “He’d tell me this. We almost slept together the other night,” Casey didn’t react to that; Noah must’ve told him about it. “Noah may be different from who I remember, but he’s still  _Noah._  He would’ve told me.” He crossed his arms. “So I’m guessing you two are just letting people think you are, so they’ll leave you alone.” He mentally stuck his tongue out at Reid.  _So there._   
  
Reid let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “Well. You’re not quite as dumb as you look. I guess.”   
  
“Well, mazel tov to the both of you then, but this brings up an important point,” Casey interrupted, waving both hands fanatically. “Noah. And your mom, Luke. How much do they know? How caught in the middle are they?” He pointed to Emily’s evidence. “If something goes down, they could get hurt.”   
  
Luke bit his lip. “My mom’s mostly in the dark, I think. She doesn’t suspect Damian. Noah... I have no idea.” He reluctantly looked to Reid for answers, but he shook his head. No idea.   
  
“There’s something,” Casey insisted. “Noah obviously doesn’t like him, but he stays with Damian, and accepts his money and all that shit for a reason. There’s something.”   
  
“He’d be a good person to have on the inside,” Emily considered. “He’s probably closer to the real Damian than anyone else right now.”   
  
Any other time and context, Luke would probably be amused at the identical looks of reluctant worry on Casey, Reid, and no doubt his own face. But none of them said anything. Because, unfortunately, it was true.   
  
“Luke,” Casey murmured, cracking his knuckles nervously. “You need to talk to him.”   
  
And that was true, too.   
  
***   
  
He opened his door to Noah two hours later, all evidence of his A-Team meeting cleared away. “Thanks for coming over.”   
  
“Sure,” his voice sounded light, easy, but Luke could see the tension in his shoulders. “Something wrong? Or you need help with that work thing?”   
  
Luke took a deep breath. “A little of both.” He sat down on his couch, beckoning for Noah to do the same. “But I don’t want to talk about that yet. We have to talk about something else first.”   
  
“What?” Noah sat down, concerned.   
  
“You.”   
  
“Me?”   
  
Luke warily reached over to his side table and picked up the files Emily had given him that day he first went to her. “Yeah.” He handed them over.   
  
Noah didn’t even look at them. “What are these?”   
  
“Emily Stewart thought I’d want them. I didn’t ask her to, I swear. And I haven’t looked at them. They’re files about you. Things that have happened since I left.”   
  
Noah’s hands tightened around the folders. “Everything?”   
  
“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “But I doubt it. I don’t think anyone knows everything that’s been going on with you. But I want to.” Noah started to shake his head, so Luke pressed on. “I think I need to know, Noah. And I think you need to tell me. Please.”   
  
Noah was quiet for a minute or two, staring down at the files. Consciously or unconsciously, he reshuffled them into a specific order. “Once you solve your ‘case’,” he grimaced at the word, “are you going to leave again?”   
  
“What?” Luke gaped at him.   
  
Noah kept his head down. “Is that what’s keeping you in Oakdale? Once you’ve avenged whatever, you’re going to go back to where I found you?”   
  
“ _No,_ ” he snapped. “I’m home. I am. I was stupid, and I’m not anymore. The end.”   
  
“The end?” Noah repeated, a sad not-smile on his face. “Is it?”   
  
“Noah, please. You have to tell me what’s going on. What I missed. What everyone’s missed.” Casey, Ali, Faith, Reid... none of them could help. It had to be the two of them, right here.   
  
Still and silent for a minute, Noah finally seemed to give in. Or give up. He opened up the top folder, glancing through it. “I didn’t handle you dying particularly well. But I guess you know that much.”   
  
Luke didn’t answer, didn’t even nod. He didn’t want to do anything that might interrupt Noah now.   
  
“Your mom was mad at me. I didn’t want to stress out the kids or Emma by putting them in the middle of that, so I stayed away when I could. Tried to handle it on my own. But Damian kept tabs on me. He’d stop in Java and talk, or send things to my dorm. Helped me move out of- of our place.”   
  
Luke dared to nod this time, biting his lip a little. He missed that apartment. He missed a lot of goddamn things.   
  
“He wanted me to meet him regularly, for dinners and stuff. Kept telling me about grieving and moving on. Started suggesting it was time for me to look to the future.” Noah tossed the top file to the floor in front of them. “Then Mason happened.”   
  
Luke really bit his lip then, almost enough to bleed. Noah was looking at the next folder, the university’s official document of termination of employment for Mason, and not (luckily) at him.   
  
“Mason was pushing me to concentrate more on making my film. He said it would be good for me. Therapeutic. I really thought he was trying to help,” Noah’s voice almost cracked, but didn’t. He shook his head. “One night, we were in his office. Editing. It was really late. I was tired, hadn’t been sleeping well. He,” Noah shrugged, a little color coming to his face. “He got me drunk. Didn’t take much. I was tired, always have been a lightweight with liquor, you know that.”   
  
“Noah,” Luke’s voice absolutely did not crack either. Noah looked so ashamed, so embarrassed, and Luke hated that. “Did he-”   
  
“I knew what was going on,” Noah stopped him. “I could’ve walked out or said no. By the time I realized he was touching me... I just didn’t care.” He shrugged again, just one shoulder this time. “I pretended he was you. I didn’t care.”   
  
Luke felt sick. He swallowed back the urge to throw up. “It’s not okay,” he whispered.   
  
Noah’s face twisted, ashamed. “I know, Luke. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pretended. It was wrong, but I-”   
  
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Luke dared a little more, reaching out. Not for Noah’s hand, they weren’t there yet. But he touched Noah’s wrist, as close as he could get. “ _He_  was wrong. What he did wasn’t okay.”   
  
“Doesn’t matter now,” Noah murmured, not pulling away from Luke’s touch. Thank God. “Damian found out somehow. Had him fired and... run out of town.” Neither of them wanted to go any further with that. Yet.   
  
“And then you got hurt?” Luke prodded gently.   
  
“That was my fault,” Noah said. “I wasn’t concentrating. I was stupid. Paid the price, I guess.”   
  
_We’ve paid enough prices,_  Luke wanted to say. Instead he looked down at the next file in Noah’s hands, his medical records. “Do you want to talk about it?”   
  
Noah almost looked grateful that Luke asked first. “I don’t know. I mean, it was like being lost all the time. All the time. Casey and Alison were sticking close to me by this point, because of Mason, but...” His face ticked for a second, uncertain. “I couldn’t get away from it. Everything was gone by then, everything I wanted.” Luke winced. “I didn’t- couldn’t handle being near anyone. Talking, or anything. It was bad.”   
  
Luke reached a little farther, almost to Noah’s fingers. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.   
  
Noah almost smiled. “Everything changed after that. I was half-panicked and half giving up. I let Damian take over my life, because I figured it didn’t matter anymore.”   
  
He winced again. “He got you cured.”   
  
“No, he got Reid. I still don’t know how. Reid’s the one that cured me.” He looked at Luke, suddenly concerned. “Please don’t tell me you and Reid are friends now.”   
  
Luke almost laughed, slightly dizzy with the relief that Noah could kinda joke like that, even now. “I don’t see that happening. I think he hates me.”   
  
“He hates everybody,” Noah looked down at his medical file before tossing it away too. “By the time I, I don’t know, came to my senses again and tried living, Damian had worked his way in. He’d been paying my medical bills, finished off my tuition and stuff. It felt like I had to repay him by working for him.”   
  
“You didn’t,” Luke couldn’t help but argue that one.   
  
Noah’s face went hard. “It wasn’t supposed to be long term. Just until I paid him back. He- he bought Java out and closed it. Part of me thinks just so I couldn’t think about going back to work there,” he unknowingly echoed Casey’s thought from weeks earlier. “And he... Luke, he has a hand in everything.”   
  
“I know,” Luke said calmly. “Which is why I need your help. He cause the car accident, Noah. He did. We have to get that last bit of proof.”   
  
Noah was pulling away now. “No. No way. You have to let this  _go_ , Luke. You can’t fight him, he-”   
  
“I have to,” Luke insisted, trying to stay calm. “I know you think you owe him, but-”   
  
“No!” Noah wasn’t quite as calm. It was kinda unnerving. “You don’t understand. It’s dangerous. You’re going to get- he could-” a shaky breath in and out. “He controls everything.  _Everything._ ”   
  
Luke stopped, suddenly afraid. Suddenly wondering if it ran even deeper. “Like what?”   
  
Noah rubbed a hand over his jaw. “After you and- after the accident, things were bad for awhile. Emma was going to lose the farm.”   
  
Luke nodded. “Faith told me that. But she didn’t lose it.”   
  
Noah shook his head, almost frantic. “She did. She just doesn’t know it. Damian bought the deed.”   
  
Okay, yeah. He was pretty sure part of his stomach just started climbing up into his throat. “What?”   
  
“He knows the right people. At the bank, at City Hall, zoning and mortgage people or whoever,” Noah stammered the words out. “He owns the land. He could burn it to the ground if he wanted. He goes to City Hall once a month to renew it. And I’m the only one he told.”   
  
“God,” Luke closed his eyes for a second. Then opened them resolutely. “What else?” There was always more, he’d learned that.   
  
“My dad,” Noah admitted quietly, voice small and tired. “He’s paying people to keep my dad in prison and off the parole hearing lists.”   
  
Luke didn’t say anything this time. He couldn’t. Now the rest of his stomach was trying to escape too.   
  
For once, Noah was the talker between them. “So I have to do what he says. I have to work for him and take his stupid gifts and fucking stupid fancy car-” Luke knew Noah hated that thing- “and keep quiet and keep my head down. I have to. He could... he could hurt everyone, Luke.” He sighed heavily. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s doing it for what he thinks are the right reasons. Maybe he won’t do anything and he honestly thinks this is how he can help. I just... I don’t know anymore.”   
  
He didn’t think. He just moved. Throwing his arms around Noah’s shoulders, feeling them shake, Luke pulled Noah to him. “I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry, Noah. Please let me help. Let me fix this. Please.”   
  
“You can’t,” Noah mumbled into his shirt, tucking his head down onto Luke’s shoulder. “I don’t think you can.”   
  
“I will,” Luke argued. “A lot of us will. Please, will you let me? Help me?”   
  
“Why?” he sounded desperate now, every emotion bleeding out now that he was letting Luke see. “Why are you... why me?”   
  
“What the hell are you talking about?” Luke grabbed at Noah’s face, pulling away enough to get a good look at him.   
  
Noah’s eyes didn’t close necessarily, but they seemed empty, glancing away from Luke’s very close face. “My dad let me think he was dead for over a year before he came back. And then he was gone again.”   
  
His chest felt heavy with everything. Definitely not empty anymore. “That’s diff-”   
  
“Different, I know,” Noah tried to pull away a little but Luke held on. “It is but it isn’t. I’m not very good at dealing with this.”   
  
“I’m sorry,” Luke whispered it, resting their foreheads together gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- I had to be away. My dad died and I- I couldn’t deal either.”   
  
“You died too,” Noah did close his eyes now. But he didn’t move away. “You died and you left me. If you couldn’t be in Oakdale anymore, fine. But you- you could’ve called me and I would’ve come with you. I would’ve been there for you.”   
  
“I couldn’t do that to you,” Luke argued, knowing how stupid that seemed now with everything that had happened.   
  
Noah somehow rolled his eyes without opening them. “I thought you were dead. And then you come back, saying you let go of the past and you didn’t want to be home anymore and you just wanted to find out what happened with the accident. You didn’t say anything about me. You let me go. So why. Why now? Why are you acting like you still-”   
  
_Still love me._  And shit, they’d really managed to screw this all up again, hadn’t they? Trying not to seem needy in front of the other, they’d managed instead to seem like they didn’t care anymore. Noah hadn’t moved on or let him go.   
  
Luke really should’ve realized this sooner, huh?   
  
“I do still,” he said quietly.   
  
Noah didn’t hear him. “I can’t be with you if you’re going to leave again and not want me to go with you. I can’t be with anyone else if the only person I'm ever going to love for the rest of my life is you. So what do I do?” he opened his eyes then, as though he really expected Luke to tell him.   
  
Luke answered by pressing his mouth to Noah’s. Light at first, sort of waiting for Noah to pull away. But he didn’t, just went very still. Luke kept his hand around Noah’s face, thumbs on either side of his eyes, almost brushing the tiny scars. The rest of his fingers dug gently into Noah’s hair, holding on. Another kiss, still light, on his lips, the side of his mouth, his forehead.   
  
“I do still,” he said again. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to love you for as long as I-” he didn’t finish that thought. “Longer than that. Longer than... I love you right now, right this second, more than I’ve ever loved anything.”   
  
Noah was shaking, his hands balled into fists on the couch between them. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, head dipping down a little more as he breathed. “Luke.”   
  
“Noah,” he said it back, in that same almost desperate tone. “I don’t know if there are any other ways to tell you that I want you, but I will if you just tell me how.” He took in a deep breath, almost choking on it. “Please.”   
  
His face tilted up again, even with Luke’s. Noah opened his eyes for just a second, just looking at him, then he closed them again and moved forward. This time the kiss wasn’t light, wasn’t careful. He didn’t wait for Luke to open his mouth, he just dove his way in. Luke tightened his grip, pulling until their chests met with a thump of heartbeats and half-gasps.   
  
They didn’t waste time, either of them. Luke kept pulling until he was flat on his back, Noah barely remembering to brace himself in time to stop from falling fully on top of him. His forearm went to the end of the couch behind Luke’s head, and Luke let go so he could grip that instead, bracing himself in a way. His other hand went low, lower, finding the bottom of Noah’s shirt and pulling.   
  
Noah’s hands stayed where they were, one behind Luke’s head, the other in his hair, grip surprisingly gentle considering how not-gentle their kisses were. Luke pulled some more, getting the shirt up to his shoulders, expecting Noah to lift his arms to get it off the rest of the way. Noah didn’t move, still gripping, still kissing, his lips trailing across Luke’s jaw, down his neck.   
  
“Noah,” he said with effort. He really liked when Noah kissed his neck. “Arms.”   
  
“Hm?”   
  
“ _Arms,_ ” he said again, tugging the damn shirt for emphasis.   
  
Noah paused for a second, seemingly confused, then let out an adorably embarrassed “oh,” and reached back, helping Luke pull his shirt up and out of the way. “You?” he said breathlessly, reaching for Luke’s.   
  
“In a minute,” Luke whispered. “Just... just wait a second.” Noah stilled over him, brow furrowed, head cocked to the side a little. Luke shook his head, smiling. He set both hands just above Noah’s belt, flat against warm skin. He held them there for that second, then slid them up slowly, needing to  _feel._  Up his stomach, up his chest, sliding along each contour, each plane, each valley and dip of muscle and bone.   
  
“Luke,” Noah’s voice seemed to come from all around him, settle around him. He ignored it, still exploring, still feeling. He brought both hands up past his shoulder and neck, cupping either side of his face. “Luke?” Noah was almost shaking under his touch.   
  
He smiled some more, wider. Happier. “Hi.”   
  
“Hi,” Noah was still confused. Then again, he never really had understood when Luke would ogle him before, either. But Luke hadn’t been with anyone in their time apart, let alone anyone who looked like  _this._  He was allowed to savor, damn it.   
  
There were about a thousand more things Luke wanted to say right then. But the way Noah was shaking in his hands kept him from it. A lot was going on. A lot had happened, a lot still had to happen. Maybe Noah wasn’t ready yet, for all of it. “Okay, now.”   
  
“What now?”   
  
Yeah, he’d completely lost Noah. “Clothes off. Now.”   
  
“‘Kay,” Noah got back with the program pretty quickly. He leaned in again, one hand on the arm of the couch once more, the other rucking up Luke’s shirt this time, landing square at the center of his chest. No, not the center. Over his heart. Noah wasn’t taking his time to feel like Luke did, though. He pressed in, his hips rolling down, legs caging in Luke’s. His mouth back on Luke’s. Perfect.   
  
Luke opened his mouth wider to Noah’s insistent prodding, even as he attacked Noah’s belt and pants, getting them loose enough to push past freakishly slim hips. There was push and pull between them, but instead of a clash of it- like last time- it was together. Synchronized.   
  
It was like they used to be.   
  
Luke pulled away just enough to catch his breath, letting out a moan instead as Noah kissed along his neck again, his earlobe, back down to his shoulder. “Do you even have lungs?” he groaned out, both hands going to Noah’s hips, holding on for dear life.   
  
“Don’t need ‘em,” Noah mumbled, never breaking contact. “Need you.”   
  
He shuddered a little, tugging at those hips enough to bring Noah’s attention back to him, his mouth. He smiled into the kiss, he couldn’t help it, when he felt Noah at his jeans, trying to unbutton and unzip them with one hand, the other hand still bracing his weight above Luke.   
  
“I can do that,” he offered, voice breaking in waves, in time with the unconscious roll of their hips together.   
  
“Hm?” Noah managed to get the zipper down far enough to slide his hand between denim and cotton, palming Luke’s cock through his boxers.   
  
Luke forgot words for a second, another moan escaping. He tightened his grip on Noah’s hips, enough to bruise maybe, arching up the rest of his body. Not enough. It was never enough, was it? He slid one hand around to Noah’s back, right above the elastic band of his boxerbriefs, sliding across skin, thumb rubbing up and down the knobs of his spine.   
  
Noah rumbled or purred or  _something_  amazing, his head dropping down to Luke’s shoulder, finally gasping for the air he hadn’t cared about earlier. “Luke,” he whispered. “I-” he stopped, shook his head, stroking Luke a little more.   
  
Luke had no idea what he’d meant to say, wasn’t sure if he cared. Not right now. So he grabbed Noah’s hips again, hooked a leg around him and twisted, turning so Noah was now under him. “I got you,” he said, pushing at his own jeans and boxers, kicking them free. “I got you, it’s okay.”   
  
He nodded almost mindlessly, now bracing Luke instead of himself, holding tight. Luke leaned in, trailing sloppy, open-mouthed kisses down his chest, his hands following the same path until they ended up at that elastic band again. This time Luke grabbed and peeled them away, leaving them both bare now. “ _Luke_ ,” he moaned again, urging and needing. “Please.”   
  
“We need...” Luke stumbled over his words, Noah’s hand finding his cock once again and stroking roughly. He bit his lip for a second, trying to steady himself and not come just right the fuck now. “Do you have-?”   
  
Noah shook his head. “Bedroom.” He actually sounded really upset about that, and Luke had to laugh with the little brainpower he had left.   
  
He moved back up Noah’s body and kissed him for all he was worth. “Bedroom,” he said against Noah’s lips. “Let’s go.”   
  
They both stood up from the couch, helping each other, stumbling and desperate. Noah couldn’t let go of him, maybe afraid to, and Luke wasn’t doing that much better. He pushed Noah down the hall, keeping their mouths fused together as best he could, and then just as quickly pushed Noah down onto the bed. This time it was Luke to reached into the bedside table, one hand staying on Noah’s chest to hold him down, hold him  _there_ .   
  
Noah waited just long enough for Luke to grab what they needed before moving, pulling Luke to join him on the bed, their kisses growing frantic and needy again. Luke settled on top of Noah, hands feeling everywhere, hips grinding down over and over, both of them painfully hard. He felt it when Noah’s knees started to bend on either side of Luke’s body, feet flat on the mattress, legs spreading wider. For Luke. “Fuck,” he grunted in time with the thrusts he couldn’t stop himself from already making. “You- you want me to-?”   
  
Noah nodded desperately. “Please, Luke, please just...” he moaned, bringing one leg around Luke’s to pull him even closer. “ _Please_  I need-”   
  
Luke didn’t let him finish. He wasn’t sure if Noah was going to say he needed this, or he needed Luke, or needed something else all together. Maybe he was afraid of that, but it didn’t really matter. Not when they were like this, here, when Noah’s chest was heaving, sweat dripping down his sides, eyes wild and perfect.   
  
Feeling wild himself, he haphazardly poured the lube across his fingers, across his cock, stroking himself for a moment, gathering the sheen of it mixed with his pre-come, readying himself while Noah fumbled for a pillow to slip underneath him. And then Luke leaned over Noah again, mouthing up the column of his neck as he circled one slicked finger past Noah’s cock, farther, finally pressing in and listening for that rush of air Noah always gasped out when Luke would enter him. When it happened, it almost sounded like relief. He pushed in farther, feeling Noah loosen and open to him.   
  
Noah gasped again when Luke added another finger, his own hands tightening around Luke’s hips, holding on, thumbs rubbing unconscious circles into his skin. Luke took his time opening Noah, scissoring, kissing along his neck to distract from the burn. Noah’s leg pulled on him, begging, so he added a third, curling them, stroking inside, leaving Noah a mess of noise and hands, and both of those things urged Luke on.   
  
When he was sure Noah was prepped enough, and when he was almost as sure Noah was about to growl at him in frustration, he repositioned himself, fingers sliding out and holding Noah down instead while he lined his now more-than-aching cock up with Noah’s entrance. He went slowly, kinda terrified in some ways, pushing in inch by inch, listening for any sound of distress or...   
  
But Noah just let out that sigh again, creases in his face easing away, head tilting back, in that ecstasy he got only from something like this. “Fuck,” he moaned, hands flexing and twitching, pleading. “Please, Luke, baby,” his legs pulled again, pulled Luke all the way in, balls deep. “ _Fuck_  me.”   
  
Luke shuddered, out of words, and obeyed. He started slow- as slow as he could, at least- trying to give Noah more time to get used to everything, but Noah was more than ready, grabbing at Luke’s ass and guiding him closer, faster. “God,” it was Luke’s turn to gasp. He pulled at Noah’s legs, maneuvering them up almost to his shoulders, bending them both as he thrust harder.   
  
Noah’s free hand scrambled across the sheets before grasping the headboard for ballast, his grunts turning to moans, all wordless and wanting. Luke kept one hand on Noah’s thigh to help hold them both steady, and with the other he starting stroking Noah’s cock, hard between them. His brain was starting to white out, but not all the way, not so much that he didn’t recognize how much he missed this, all of this. The feel of Noah surrounding him and letting him in so deep, the feel of his cock, the real, heavy, substantial weight of it in his hand as he stroked roughly, twisted his wrist, stroked back to the base. The sounds Noah made, no inhibitions, no walls built up.   
  
He jerked his hand faster, all nerves tingly and firing, needing... He bent as much as he could, as much as Noah could, kissed his neck, bit at his lower lip. “Love you,” he wasn’t even sure if there was sound to his words, or if Noah just felt them. But he came with a shout, arching up, clenching around Luke, every muscle and tendon standing out in stark relief. Luke didn’t need more than that, more than this. He felt every nerve explode, and he was pretty sure he cried out too, releasing, barely enough forethought left to remember to relinquish his hold on Noah’s leg, letting them both fall to the mattress.   
  
He did the same, collapsing onto Noah’s chest, ignoring the mess he was smearing between them. He really didn’t fucking care, not right this second. He put a hand on Noah’s stomach, petting gently as he carefully pulled out, feeling Noah’s wince. He tried to catch his breath, watching Noah try to do the same, then leaned down and licked across Noah’s lower belly, gathering Noah’s come into his mouth and swallowing.   
  
He grinned at Noah’s wrecked moan. “Killing me,” Noah mumbled, eyes rolling back a little bit.   
  
Luke shook his head, using the kicked away sheet to wipe them both clean. “Nope. Just missed the way you taste.” Noah’s arms wrapped tight and warm around his waist then and pulled, and Luke let himself be brought into the embrace. His face resting at Noah’s shoulder and neck, he laid his hand on Noah’s still thumping heart, letting them both come down from the high. “Missed a lot of things.”   
  
Noah’s arms tightened around him, even if he didn’t say anything. (Not yet, Luke told himself. Give him time.) “I saved your voicemails,” Noah said instead, the words coming out soft and blurry.   
  
“Huh?” Luke knew better than to turn, to move, to disrupt Noah from whatever train of thought he was on right now. So he stayed where he was, dropping a kiss to Noah’s shoulder, waiting.   
  
“I- I had two on my phone. Stupid ones, unimportant. I’d just forgotten to delete them. And then after...” he buried his face in Luke’s hair for a second, inhaling. “I had to save them. It was your voice. I didn’t want to forget what you sounded like saying my name. No one says it like you do,” his voice might have shook a little, but they were both so tired that neither of them could really be sure. “I was afraid I’d forget everything, so I saved them. Listened to them whenever I had a bad day.”   
  
Luke didn’t ask how often that was. That really wasn’t for him to know. “What were the messages?” he asked instead, voice scratchy. He must have yelled louder (or more) than he thought. That made him smile a little.   
  
“Stupid ones,” Noah said again, one hand coming up to brush at Luke’s hair for a second. “Asking what type of milk at the grocery store was healthiest.”   
  
“It said ‘Vitamin D’ on it, I thought vitamins meant healthy,” he grumbled, remembering that call and how much Noah had teased him for it later.   
  
He felt Noah’s smile now too. “Another one just saying you were running late, and you loved me and you’d see me soon.” Their smiles faded away. “I... I kept replaying it, over and over. Knew it wasn’t true anymore, you weren’t, but...” Noah’s head moved down to rest against his, sleepiness setting in. “I needed to hear it from someone. From you.”   
  
Luke closed his suddenly burning eyes. “You don’t have to save them anymore.”   
  
Noah didn’t respond, getting comfortable, arms loosening enough to let Luke get comfortable next to and on top of him. “Yeah,” he responded, maybe only half-listening now. They were quiet for a few minutes, and Luke was almost asleep when he heard the whisper, “If I said I was falling in love with you again, maybe I never stopped, what would you do?”   
  
Luke held on tight, feeling the exact Noah gave in to exhaustion and fell asleep. Only then did he turn his head, kiss Noah softly, and answer, “Everything.”


	6. Rhyme and Reason

“Then she smacked him, right across the face,” Noah leaned back, smiling up at Luke when he laughed. “It was kind of impressive, actually.”   
  
“Except for the fighting in school part, yeah,” Luke shook his head. “I hope Nat knows now that that’s not how you handle a boy teasing you.” He reached out for the bottle of water next to the bed, took a sip, and handed it to Noah before dropping his arm back where it had been, wrapped lightly around Noah’s stomach.   
  
Noah nodded. “Faith and I sat her down, explained some things. Then again, she’s a Snyder, so you never know.” He let out a low chuckle when Luke poked him in retaliation, but didn’t move from his sprawled position against Luke’s chest. “Besides, I think Carl likes her.”   
  
“What?” Luke almost freaked out, then reminded himself- Natalie was turning thirteen soon. Not a baby.   
  
“They worked together on a science fair team last, and he picked her to be on his soccer team over Sophia the year before,” he shrugged, turning a little to set the water bottle back on the side table. Luke reached out again, running his hand down the line of shoulder and back muscles as they stretched. Just because he could.   
  
He smiled from a hundred different things as Noah turned back and got comfortable against him again. It was a oddly wonderful feeling to see that Noah knew so much about Natalie’s life, the names of her friends, probably the title of that science fair project.   
  
He ran his fingers through Noah’s hair (God he’d missed that), curling the short strands as much as he could. “You’re so good with them,” he murmured, resting his chin on Noah’s shoulder for a second to kiss the side of his neck, then sitting back again.   
  
Noah blushed a little (he’d missed  _that_  too), tilting his face back to get a better look at Luke. “I wasn’t trying to replace you.”   
  
Luke laughed again, shook his head. “That’s not what I was thinking.” He hugged him, keeping him quiet. “You’re just... you’re good with them. The kids, Grandma. You’re a part of the family, Noah. You really, really are. And you should be.” He hugged tighter. “Thank you.”   
  
“They helped me too,” he heard the mumble and knew Noah was still blushing.   
  
“I’m sure they did. I’m glad. Just like you helped them. I mean... Faith could’ve turned out like Mom,” he tried to explain. “She was starting to get- you know,before the accident. She was acting out a lot, and- God, she could’ve turned out to be the brattiest Mean Girl in existence by now. But she’s not. She’s got a lot of ‘you’ in her now, I can see it.”   
  
Noah was quiet, fidgeting a little. “She had reason back then. Before the accident. She saw your mom and Damian kissing, before the Kentucky trip.”   
  
Luke froze. “Damn it. Really?”   
  
Noah nodded, his hair brushing against Luke’s hand when he’d held it still. “Don’t know if it was a one time or if- I don’t know. But that’s why she was a little messed up then.”   
  
“Damn it,” he said again, closing his eyes, letting his other hand run up and down Noah’s side in an effort to find something soothing to anchor to. “I can’t... he has to be stopped.” Noah stayed conspicuously silent. “Noah?”   
  
“We don’t know, Luke, if everything that’s evil in the world was done by him, or everything he’s done is evil,” Noah mumbled, having gone still in his arms again, quiet. “I just don’t know.”   
  
Luke wanted to argue. He wanted to yell and prove to Noah with pie charts and powerpoint presentations just how _evil_  Damian was, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t ready just yet, and Noah definitely wasn’t ready to hear it. It would have to wait. Instead he leaned down and kissed the top of Noah’s head softly.  _Okay._   
  
He slid his arm up a little to find Noah’s hand, closing his own over it. Noah didn’t move, just watching, as Luke linked one, then two fingers together. Then they both held still, waiting, until Noah relaxed again.   
  
He didn’t sigh, even though he kinda wanted to. They weren’t there yet. Having sex, even great sex, wasn’t enough to magically erase three years of everything. Luke suddenly understood why Noah hadn’t wanted to that first time, after the breakdown in the cemetery. They weren’t ready yet.   
  
But they’d get there.   
  
And he wasn’t the only one who thought so, judging by the way Noah carefully turned onto his side, pressing a kiss to Luke’s chest, dragging his lips upward to where Luke was waiting and already starting to breathe more ragged and rushed.   
  
He tugged, pulling Noah into his lap, holding the backs of his thighs as Noah straddled him. A part of him wasn’t sure if he should be sad or worried or neither, that Noah seemed more comfortable with sex than with the little touches and intimacy, but he didn’t have time for either as one of the cell phones next to the bed rang.   
  
Luke grabbed it first, smiling a little as Noah’s forehead dropped to Luke’s chest with a groan. “Hello?” he didn’t even bother to check to see who it was. Part of him hoped it was Damian.   
  
“...Luke? Are you answering Noah’s phone?” Alison sounded very confused and very hopeful.   
  
“Yeah, Alison, we’re a little busy at the moment.” He could feel Noah smile into his shoulder. “So maybe if you want to call back in, say-”   
  
“Luke, no,” Alison’s voice trembled a little this time. “You need to bring him to the hospital right now.”   
  
He froze, and Noah sensed it right away, sitting back with his eyes narrowed. “Why?”   
  
“There was... I don’t know if it was an accident or- or...” she stopped, started again. “It’s Dr. Oliver. You two need to get here now. And hurry.”   
  
***   
  
Alison met them at the ER waiting room, very still and very quiet. One look at her, and Luke knew. He knew Reid was dead. Katie and Chris were already there too, sitting in a corner, his arm around her. Emily stood nearby, glaring at everyone. Luke reached for Noah’s hand, bracing himself, trying to brace Noah.   
  
“Ali?” Noah’s voice was shell-shocked, weary. Like he already knew too, like he was expecting the worst.   
  
She shook her head, maintaining eye contact,obviously using her ‘calm nurse’ persona. “He’s gone, Noah. I’m sorry.”   
  
Luke moved closer, intertwining their arms and leaning into Noah’s side. He didn’t want to make Noah the center of attention if he didn’t want to be, but really wanted to do... something. Noah leaned into him just as much, nodding at Ali’s words. “He- he was...?”   
  
“I don’t really know what happened, the cops are dealing with it,” she said, unaware of the way Noah and Luke both tensed at those words. “But... he was shot.” She reached out, touching his arm. “I’m so sorry, hon. Katie is working on finding his family and everything. I have to get back to work, but you call me if you need anything, okay?” She looked at Luke pointedly. “Either of you. Okay?”   
  
“Thanks, Alison,” Luke murmured, offering a smile as best he could, already turning back to Noah. “Hey,” he whispered. When Noah looked to him, dazed and empty, he tightened his hold. “Do you want to be here? Do you want to... I don’t know, what do you need? Tell me.”   
  
“I don’t know,” Noah whispered back, his eyes looking around, not staying on one thing for very long.   
  
“Are you-” he wasn’t even sure what he was about to ask, so the interruption of the elevator doors opening was welcome. His eyes widened, though, when Jack and Lily stepped out. “What?”   
  
“I heard what happened,” Jack said grimly, quietly. Luke wasn’t really surprised; Jack probably still had eyes and ears at the station- Dallas, maybe.   
  
Luke nodded, looking at Lily. That didn’t explain why she was here. “Mom?”   
  
She was watching Noah, who wasn’t meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said, just as quiet. She stepped forward, reaching out for him a little. “Noah. I’m sorry.”   
  
He just stood there, almost confused. “I- is something wrong?” he asked.   
  
She nodded, eyes bright and sad. “Yes. So much is wrong. I’m so-” she came even closer and drew him into a hug as Luke let go of his hand.   
  
Noah stood still, almost frozen for a few seconds, but slowly his arms came up, hugging her back. His shoulders dropped with a silent sigh, sinking into her embrace. She tightened her hold, running a hand up and down his back. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry for so much...” With a glance over his shoulder at Luke, she led Noah over to a row of chairs, pulling him to sit down, hugging and murmuring to him again.   
  
Luke stayed where he was, watching, relieved, before Jack got his attention again. “Luke,” his voice was serious, almost a growl. “I need to tell you some things.”   
  
“What now?” he was half-joking, half-exhausted.   
  
“Dr. Oliver was carjacked,” he spoke for Luke’s ears only. “On a road halfway between his place and Noah’s. He was shot, car stripped of parts.”   
  
The word ‘carjacked’ raised every alarm in him. Oh God. This was spiralling out of control. “He was?” was all that came out.   
  
Jack’s eyes narrowed at that. “Yeah. Thing is, it was very clean, methodical. Most carjackings are messy and rushed in some way.This wasn’t.” He took a deep breath, glancing over at Lily and Noah. “The only other time I’ve seen one like this was-”   
  
“Mason?” Luke guessed, trying to keep his own voice down. He subtly beckoned for Emily to come over, which she did immediately.   
  
Jack almost took a step back. “How did you-?” he looked at both of them. “No. I don’t want to know. Bottom line, it’s the same exact pattern as what happened to Jarvis two years ago.”   
  
“Grimaldi had Reid killed?” Emily caught on quickly, voice low but wrathful. Luke nodded heavily.   
  
“You knew?” Jack tried to keep quiet. “Dallas and Margo and I have been trying for two years to get this, and you-”   
  
“We can set up a conference meeting later if you want,” Emily snapped. “Pool our resources, whatever. Don’t waste my time right now. Can you prove Grimaldi did it?”   
  
“Not without help,” Jack shook his head. “We need to get into his office.”   
  
Luke ignored Emily’s pointed look at that. “I still have to talk to Noah about it,” he said.   
  
Uncertainty shaded Jack’s face. “Luke,” he clenched his jaw, worried. “This is getting bad. You and Noah need to be careful.”   
  
“Jack,” he began, trying to sound placating. Out of everyone in this town, he and Noah knew that more than anyone.   
  
“No, Luke, I mean it.” Jack got even closer, adamant, firm. “This is going to get worse before we have any hope of making it better. Take Noah home, watch out for each other, stay safe. Let us handle it.”   
  
Luke could guarantee the taking home part. The rest? He wasn’t so sure. Damian had to be stopped. And it had to be soon.   
  
***   
  
Awareness came back slowly, but it didn’t take long for Noah to realize he was on his couch. It was, after all, a very familiar feeling to wake up here. But he was having a hard time remembering when he’d ever been this comfortable.   
  
And then he realized there was a hand carding through his hair. And his head wasn’t resting on the side of the couch, but on someone’s leg.  _Luke._  He turned his face a little more into denim fabric, still feigning sleep. He wanted this- just this, just for a second. Just stillness and quiet and this.   
  
Maybe Luke agreed. He scratched his fingers through his hair some more, moving in circles, soothing and aimless. Noah felt warm and steady and... safe. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time.  _Three years._  Despite the situation, and the heavy, dark feeling in his chest from everything that was going on, Noah felt safe. With Luke.   
  
It was only ever Luke.   
  
He opened his eyes slowly, blinking away sleep, stretching out and then curling up his legs again. The hand in his hair stilled for a second then started moving again, twisting strands idly. “Hey.”   
  
“Hey,” his voice rumbled out of his throat. He brought on hand up, hesitating for a moment before laying it on Luke’s knee. “Time is it?”   
  
“Three thirty,” Luke’s other hand slid up his back, rubbing his shoulder. “You hungry?”   
  
He shook his head, partly because it allowed him to press his face closer into Luke. “Not really.”   
  
“You need to eat something,” Luke chided gently, sounding so much like Emma that he kinda wanted to cry.   
  
He just nodded. He’d heard that before. He also knew, from experience, that he could go a while longer without food. “I will.”   
  
“Soon?” Luke wasn’t letting it go. It threw Noah a little; he’d forgotten what stubborn-Luke was actually like. Sure, he’d remembered it in abstract, in memories, but he’d forgotten what it felt like to be on the receiving end of it.   
  
“I missed that,” he murmured.   
  
Luke gripped his shoulder tighter, leaned in closer. “Missed what?”   
  
“You.”   
  
There was silence for nearly a full minute, both of them wondering what Noah was trying to say. “I... You know I missed you too.”   
  
Noah nodded into Luke’s leg, then took a deep breath and turned onto his back, head still propped up. Luke moved his hand, thumb brushing against Noah’s forehead, smoothing back his hair. And smiling down at him.   
  
Noah opened his mouth to say something, but words failed. He didn’t have words for times like this, he never had. So instead he touched Luke’s other hand, the one on his shoulder, pulling it away. He linked their fingers together slowly, almost one by one, like that would make them lock all the tighter for it. It had to be tighter this time.   
  
Luke brought their hands up to his mouth and kissed them softly, like he knew how important Noah’s gesture was. Noah hoped he did.   
  
“I shouldn’t bring this up now,” Luke said quietly. “I know I shouldn’t, but I have to.” His thumb trailed lightly across Noah’s forehead. “Jack said something to me, at the hospital. He-”   
  
“He thinks it was Damian,” Noah finished for him, still looking up at Luke. Luke nodded, both of his hands still gentle. Noah sighed, forcing himself to sit up, shoulder to shoulder with him. Their hands managed to stay clasped together, and Noah was happy about that. Maybe it was a sign, or maybe it wasn’t. But it made him happy. “So do I,” he admitted.   
  
Luke whipped his head around to stare at him. “You do?”   
  
His turn to nod. “It’s just like what happened,” he swallowed hard. “Before.” Luke’s shoulder got closer to his, and he offered a smile when Luke brushed a kiss across his cheek. “I want to help.”   
  
“Help what?” Luke asked carefully.   
  
“Prove it was him. Stop him. Make things right again.” He leaned his head against Luke’s. “Help you come home for real.”   
  
Luke turned his head again, kissing Noah on the jaw this time, still light. “I am home.” Noah turned his head too, catching the next kiss on his lips. “I want you free of him too, you know.”   
  
“I do too,” he said, surprising Luke. “I don’t... I hate getting caught up with people like him. I’m sick of it, people getting hurt and killed  _for_  me. It’s not to protect me,” he was realizing this as he spoke, or maybe he had realized it a long time ago and just finally said it out loud. His mother. Luke. Mason. Reid. “It’s to control me. I always let them do it, too. I let them get away with it. I won’t this time.” This wasn’t going to be like the Colonel all over again.   
  
“It’s not you,” Luke insisted, twisting his body to fully face him, his bent knee landing in Noah’s lap. “It’s not. You don’t let them do this. You’re just...” he shook his head, laughed a little. “You believe in people. You see the good in them that nobody else does, or nobody else wants to see, even the people themselves.” His hand was magically in Noah’s hair again, cupping the side of his face. “I’ve been one of those people. And I love that about you.”   
  
“So...” Noah snuck his free arm around Luke’s waist, drawing him closer, almost fully into his lap. “Next you’re gonna say that you need to be around to keep an eye on me, right?”   
  
“And that someone needs to look out for you, yeah,” Luke nodded, eyes bright, playful. They finally let go of their clasped hands so Luke could wrap both arms around Noah’s neck, holding him close.   
  
“And that you’re not going to leave me again,” he almost hesitated to say, but said anyway.   
  
Luke went still, eyes locking with his. “I’m not going to leave you again.”   
  
“And that you love me,” his voice trembled, stupidly, and there was a desperation in it too. But maybe Noah was desperate.   
  
Luke shoved himself suddenly closer, chest to chest, his mouth capturing Noah’s furiously. Noah didn’t have time to think, to breathe, to bite at Luke’s upper lip the way he knew Luke loved. He just took it, letting Luke in, letting Luke control it. It was the only thing he knew how to do right now.   
  
When Luke finally pulled back (a few inches at most), they were both out of breath, dizzy and giddy. “More than I’ve ever loved anything,” he finally replied.   
  
Noah just nodded at first,  _Okay,_  still catching his breath. “Maybe it would be good then,” he said quietly. “For you to stay. Here.”   
  
Luke’s eyes got extra bright. Not in that mischievous way they had earlier, but in that way he got when he had too many feelings he couldn’t contain so they spilled out through his eyes. “Right here?”   
  
This time, when Luke leaned in to kiss him, Noah met him halfway.   
  
***   
  
“We’re almost there,” Luke insisted. “Trust me.”   
  
He heard Emily’s sigh over the phone. “Okay, I admit I want to take this son of a bitch down right now after what happened to Reid, but kid- this has to be done right or we lose the entire case.”   
  
“I know, I know,” Luke glanced into the other room, where Lily and Noah were talking quietly. “Emily, Noah knows the combination to Damian’s safe.”   
  
There was a good few seconds of silence. “Come again?”   
  
“Noah knows it. I don’t know how, he probably saw Damian open it one day and kept it memorized just in case. But he knows. Mom and I are going to have lunch with Damian and distract him, and Noah’s going to get everything out of the safe. Then he’s heading straight to your place.”   
  
“You’re sure it’s safe- it’ll work?” Emily asked, seemingly despite herself.   
  
He almost laughed. “Out of everyone, Damian would suspect my mom the least. And I don’t want him anywhere near Noah. Ever again. It’ll work.”   
  
“I’m so getting this interview,” she didn’t quite gloat, she’d been more reserved since Reid’s death, but at least she sounded as determined as ever. “Jack and his merry band of rogue detectives, plus Tom Hughes, are at the Hughes residence, waiting for me. I’ll have them come over here too, we’ll get everything in one fell swoop. You sure your mother is up for all this? She’s on our side?”   
  
Luke looked into the other room again. Lily had her arm threaded through Noah’s and her hand running up and down his shoulder, talking so quickly and forcefully that Noah’s blush kept getting redder and redder. When she called him sweetheart (again) and he ducked his head down (again), Luke grinned. “Yeah. She definitely is.”   
  
Emily was quiet again, obviously thinking it all over. “Okay then. Send your boyfriend my way when he’s got everything, and make sure you’re all careful. Don’t screw up my story.”   
  
“Thanks,” he said, still smiling. “We’ll see you soon.” He hung up, entering the living room. Lily and Noah both looked up at him, Lily wiping away a tear as she stood up, reluctantly letting go of Noah. “Ready?” he asked them.   
  
Noah just nodded, smoothing down his shirt. (A plaid shirt, unbuttoned, over a t-shirt. Luke wanted to cry and hug him. Hi, Noah.) Lily was unconsciously doing the same with her outfit, reaching for Luke’s arm now. “I can’t believe...” she stopped, started again. “I guess I can believe he’d do this, I just don’t want to.”   
  
Luke let her grab his arm and hold on. “He did do this, Mom. I’m sorry, but we owe it to Dad to stop him.”   
  
Lily took a deep, tearful breath. “I’m going to have a lot to make up for when this is over, aren’t I?”   
  
Luke didn’t want to answer that, and for some reason looked to Noah. He smiled just a little. “I think Faith’s been keeping a list, if you need help,” he offered softly.   
  
Luke was relieved when Lily laughed, leaned in, and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be in the car,” she told Luke, walking out and leaving them alone.   
  
Luke took both of Noah’s hands in his. Noah leaned in and kissed him once, twice, feather-light. “Be careful?” Noah begged, voice still soft. “Don’t... I don’t know, don’t let him get to you.”   
  
He remembered a time years ago, sending Noah off to see his father in prison. “I won’t. I’ll just think of you,” he repeated Noah’s words now.   
  
Noah smiled, maybe remembering too. “I’ll see you at Emily’s.”   
  
Luke grabbed the collar of Noah’s shirt in both hands. “You be careful too. Okay? Don’t let anyone see you, don’t leave behind any-”   
  
“Hey,” Noah smirked a little, getting in one more kiss. “You’re acting like this is the first time I’ve committed espionage in my boss’s evil empire. I’ll be fine.”   
  
He rolled his eyes, letting go, but couldn’t help but smack Noah on the ass as he turned to head out. “Just get yourself to Emily’s fast and in one piece, 007.”   
  
Noah blushed, from the smack or the nickname, Luke didn’t know (or care). “Call me, if anything-”   
  
“You too,” Luke insisted.   
  
They looked at each other in silence, steadying each other, getting ready. Luke could do that again, gather strength from Noah’s eyes. He almost smiled.   
  
And then he did smile when Noah stepped in close again, delivering a hard, fast kiss to Luke’s mouth. “For luck,” he murmured, and then was gone. Luke took another deep breath and headed out to Lily’s car.  _For luck._   
  
Knowing them, they were going to need it.   
  
***   
  
They got to the Lakeview two minutes late. Luke wanted to think it was out of some subconscious spite, but more likely it was because Lily nervously drove the speed limit the whole way there.   
  
“Mom,” he said once they finally parked, both of them staring at the entrance to the hotel, unable to get out of the car just yet. “We have to do this.”   
  
She nodded shakily, then laughed a little. “Your father would be so mad. He’d say this is too dangerous, we should let the police handle it.”   
  
Luke smiled too. He could picture it. “And we need to think rationally, we’re not private detectives or superheroes.” He fidgeted a little.”And he’d break out that ‘not mad just disappointed’ face.”   
  
She squeezed his arm. “But, and you know this too, he’d do anything to protect his family”   
  
“I know,” he said softly.   
  
“And while there’s a lot of... me, of Walsh blood in you,” she offered another smile, self-deprecating. “You’re more like him than you realize. He’d be so proud of you, honey.”   
  
Luke was shaking his head before she’d even finished speaking. “I don’t... I ran away, Mom. I let everyone here down. I let things get  _this_  bad.”   
  
“No,” she said firmly, still holding his arm. “You didn’t let any of this happen. This is- this is Damian. And you didn’t run away forever. You’re here now. And you and I- and Noah, and Jack, and Margo and everyone- we’re fixing it now. We’re fixing what Damian broke. We will.” If anything else, Lily seemed to get her own courage up with her speech. She jostled him a little, opening her car door.”Come on. We’ve got a lunch date.” He smiled gamely as he followed her out of the car.   
  
The smile only lasted ten minutes.   
  
***   
  
It was creepy being here on the weekends, when the office was empty. Or, more accurately, it was creepy being here when Damian’s office was empty. Noah had been in on Saturdays before, catching up on his own work, but here... He tried not to make comparisons to graveyards.   
  
He did spare a moment to look around, take it all in. He’d been fooling himself for years, and he didn’t have to anymore. It could be that simple, right? Damian was bad. He’d done bad things.   
  
And now Noah could help fix it.   
  
Moving as quickly and quietly as possible, he pulled the spare key from the secretary’s desk and opened the door to Damian’s private office. The safe was built into the far wall. Noah had seen Damian open the thing out of the corner of his eye more than once, enough times to remember the combination. Damian had never noticed. Or cared.   
  
It made Noah want to smile a little, defiantly. Maybe he’d been mistaken about Damian the last few years and let all of this mess happen, but maybe...   
  
Maybe Damian had underestimated him too.   
  
***   
  
“Where is he?” he muttered, not frantic or panicked. Yet. Damian was never late. But there was no sign of him, at _all_ , in the Lakeview Lounge. “Where- where is he?”   
  
“Don’t worry,” Lily’s voice sounded anything but calm though. “It could be anything. I’ll talk to the front desk, maybe they’ve seen him. You check the parking lot, see if his car is there. Okay?” She nodded to him, steadying. “It’s okay. It’s fine.”   
  
Luke nodded back, not okay or fine. Where the hell was he? He tried to run without running, feeling ridiculous but not really caring, as he made it back out to the parking lot, scanning every car. If Damian wasn’t at lunch, like he was  _supposed_  to be, like he  _said_  he’d be, he could-   
  
“Luke!” Lily was moving as fast as her heels would let her. “He’s not here. The front desk said he- he called to cancel the lunch reservation.”   
  
“Why didn’t he call us? Why the hotel and not us?” Luke stammered and stumbled on his words.   
  
Lily was already fishing for her keys, both of them hurrying back to the car. “Because he wanted us here. He wanted us to take the time to come here.”   
  
If it weren’t for the situation, Luke would laugh. He felt a hysterical laugh bubble up close as it was. They had both tried to use the lunch as a diversion for something. But Damian had succeeded.   
  
And for what?   
  
Luke almost stopped his running. Lily was already starting the car. “Luke, what-”   
  
“The office. We need to-” was all he got out before Lily’s eyes went wide. Noah.   
  
He pretty much dove for the car, fumbling with his cell phone. No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. No. “Mom, call Jack.”   
  
Noah wasn’t answering his phone.   
  
***   
  
“So.” Noah cleared his throat. He wanted to shift a little on his feet but didn’t really want to move at  _all_  unless he had to. Damian’s grip on the gun was unsurprisingly but scarily confident. He didn’t want to take any chances. “Lunch got canceled?”   
  
Damian didn’t even smile.   
  
***   
  
“Wait out here,” Luke ordered. They were finally, after an agonizingly long drive, in front of Grimaldi Worldwide.   
  
“What? Luke! No, we-”   
  
“Mom, there shouldn’t be more people around than there needs to be.”   
  
“Well, I  _need_  to be in there. Noah could be in trouble, I-”   
  
“Mom!” he interrupted again, even as a tiny part of him wanted to smile at how quickly and fiercely Lily went back to loving Noah. “It’s too dangerous. If Damian gets startled, or careless...” He shook his head. “He won’t hurt me. I can protect Noah. You need to wait here for Jack and his guys.”   
  
Jack had contacted his old friends in the FBI once he had Emily’s evidence. They all knew using local police wouldn’t work. Luke kinda wished they were here  _right now_ , but there was nothing he could do about that. He had to get to Damian and Noah.   
  
“Just...” Lily looked ready to fall apart. Luke could relate. “Be careful. God, Luke, please be careful.”   
  
“I will,” he promised. He had to be.   
  
He was also pretty sure he was lying.   
  
***   
  
Damian kept himself between Noah and the door, which meant Noah either had to stay where he was, or jump out the window. Which was a dozen stories up, so that was probably not an option. He stayed where he was, an eye on Damian, an eye on the gun. It wasn’t pointed at him, not exactly, but he knew that was because Damian was choosing not to just yet. He held all the power right now.   
  
Literally.   
  
***   
  
Luke threw himself into the elevator, almost sobbing with relief when it worked. He’d been half-expecting Damian to disable them, just to make all this worse. He bounced on the soles of his feet, fingers twitching impatiently against his thighs. It felt like the elevator moved inch by inch, and he wanted to spontaneously combust, if only to do something.   
  
His phone buzzed in his pocket right when he was about to start cursing gods and elevators. It was Casey.   
  
“Dude, what the hell is going on? Jack is freaking out and making eighteen calls at once and, like, arming himself for the next installment of Rambo. What happened?”   
  
“Damian didn’t show up for lunch. We think he knows. That we know.”   
  
“Oh. So, it’s Avengers Assemble time?”   
  
He could almost hear the smile in Casey’s voice and wanted to scream. No. Everyone was supposed to be as scared as he was right now. “Casey, he could be alone in a room with Noah right now. He might have caught Noah breaking into the safe.”   
  
There was a second of silence. “Shit. We’re on our way.”   
  
The beep of the call disconnecting mixed with the ding of the elevator doors opening. Luke made a mad dash for the direction of Damian’s office.   
  
***   
  
“It’s all true, isn’t it?” Noah asked quietly. “All of it. Holden, Mason, Reid. They’re all dead because of you.”   
  
Now Damian smiled. Not in a good way. Noah unconsciously took a step back, even farther from the door. “You tell me.” He used the gun to casually gesture to the stack of papers Noah still stubbornly held in his hands. “I’m sure you’ve figured most of it out by now. We both know it wasn’t because of  _me_ , exactly.”   
  
“I don’t understand why,” he was stalling, he had to. He had no idea why Damian was here and not at lunch, and he held on to the barest belief that Damian cared too much about Luke and Lily to have done something to them. If they were okay, they’d know to send someone here. Eventually. He hoped.   
  
“You’re a very bright young man, Noah,” Damian was still so freakishly calm. “Very loyal. Very hardworking.” Another smile. “And very weak.”   
  
Noah flinched, backed away some more, and kicked himself for doing both. “What?”   
  
“You can’t handle being alone anymore, can you? Everyone knows they can show you the slightest bit of attention, and you’ll fall for it. Every time.” He smirked, and Noah wanted to claw at his face for having the same smirk as Luke. It wasn’t right. “The problem was, I needed you on my team. You were useful. And both the professor and the doctor would’ve taken you away from me in some way. Jarvis was destroying you, and Oliver was getting close to destroying me.” He shrugged a little. “I couldn’t have that.”   
  
Noah ignored it. All of it. He had to, or he’d sink way too far into the dark thoughts he’d been working hard to get rid of his whole life. “You knew Reid was-”   
  
“Did I know that your little group of friends was digging into my affairs? Yes. I discovered the ‘investigation’ a few days ago. Congratulations on getting as far as you did, I’m a little impressed. But then,” another smile, serpent-like. “I always knew you were intelligent. It’s one of the reasons I kept you around.”   
  
He shuddered. “Why don’t you just leave?” he didn’t beg, but he wanted to. “Just go. People know what you did now. There’s no way you can keep going here.Just go away and leave everyone here alone.”   
  
Damian’s gaze hardened. Quickly. Terrifyingly. “I haven’t lost anything. I don’t run. Not without what’s mine.”   
  
Noah tried really hard not to get flashbacks of his own father. “They were never yours,” he said quietly, firmly. Lily. Luke. “They’re Holden’s, still are.” He locked eyes with Damian, bravely or stupidly or both. “And mine.”   
  
The gun was suddenly pointed directly at him, but he didn’t step back this time. Or flinch. This was what he was supposed to do, this is what Holden Snyder would do. Protect the family.   
  
“You know what I did to Holden,” Damian’s voice was threatening and casual in the same breath. “Are you sure you don’t want to rethink this?”   
  
Noah didn’t even look at the gun. “I’m sure.”   
  
“Damian, don’t you dare.”   
  
They were both startled by the new voice in the room. Damian took a small step back, just enough to keep Noah in his gun’s sights and see the door at the same time.   
  
Luke stood there, looking so much like Holden in that moment that Noah had to blink hard. But it was Luke, glaring and defiant.   
  
And for the first time, for just a second, Damian looked worried.   
  
***   
  
Luke was more than worried. He was terrified. The last time the three of them had been in a room with a gun, Noah had been shot and almost died. Nothing like that was allowed to happen again. “Don’t,” he repeated, fighting against every instinct that screamed at him to go stand in front of Noah. “It’s done. It’s over. Just stop.”   
  
“Luciano, you shouldn’t be-”   
  
“It’s Luke, and I absolutely should be. Right here.” He inched a little closer to Noah, ignoring Noah’s head shake. “You can either put the gun away and we’ll talk, or you can put the gun away and leave town. Your choice.”   
  
It was Damian’s turn to shake his head, less frantically than Noah’s, much more... confident. Not good. “Luke, if you come any closer, I’ll shoot him. Leave now.”   
  
They both froze. “What?” Luke gasped a little. “Are- are you crazy? It’s over. The damn FBI is on to you.” He swallowed hard, starting to shake. “You’ve already taken my dad away, and made me watch. You took away three years of my life. You’re not doing the same thing to my- to Noah.”   
  
“You weren’t supposed to be on that trip,” Damian’s voice went suddenly harsh. “He made you go,” he gestured with the gun, and Luke  _needed_  it pointed away from Noah.   
  
“No, he didn’t. I decided to go. With my dad. You killed him, Damian. And you almost killed me, and nothing is ever going to change that. Put the gun down, don’t make it worse.”   
  
“It will get worse, if you don’t leave this room. Now.” He cocked the gun, the noise echoing extra loud.   
  
“Luke,” Noah was quiet, seemingly calm. He was also moving, barely noticeable, towards Luke. “Please, just listen to-”   
  
“No,” he snapped at both of them. “I’m not leaving you.”   
  
Damian actually laughed. “I thought that was the only thing you were both good at.”   
  
Luke froze, staring at Damian, who stared back almost challenging, crossing the line into crazy, like a cornered wild animal. They were both still, rooted to the spot, which made the moment Noah acted all the more startling.   
  
Noah hadn’t been moving closer to Luke. He’d been moving closer to Damian, to the gun. He lunged for it, grabbing Damian’s arm and pushing it to the side.   
  
“Noah-” Luke moved forward too, watching helplessly as he and Damian fought for the gun. It was a whirl of movement and Luke, dizzy with fear and shock, couldn’t track the struggle. He tried to grab at Damian, but the arm he reached for suddenly pushed outward, shoving Luke back into the wall, his head cracking painfully against the wood paneling.   
  
He blinked, even dizzier, hearing Noah shout his name through the haze, then tried to shake himself out of it. When his vision cleared, Damian- eyes wild and glazed over- was looming over Noah on the floor, hands around his neck. Tight. Too tight, too much. Noah’s face was red, but he was silent, hands scrambling against the floor and Damian’s grip.   
  
_No._   
  
Noah had tried to make him leave, not be here, get somewhere safe. Like Holden had. Luke wasn’t letting this happen again. He pushed forward onto his hands and knees, about to rush at Damian, when his hand came into contact with something cold. Metal.   
  
He picked up the gun and pointed it at Damian. He was about to fire when Damian must have sensed it, looking up at him. “Luke-”   
  
“Let him go.” He kept his voice level. In control. Because he was in control- he had the gun.   
  
Damian slowly released Noah, who immediately rolled away, coughing harsh and ragged. “Noah?” he called out a little fearfully, keeping his eyes and the gun trained on Damian.   
  
Noah nodded, pushing himself farther from Damian, out of reach, closer to Luke. “‘M okay.”   
  
He didn’t sound okay. His voice sounded like sandpaper and gravel going through a shredder. Luke’s eyes narrowed, furious, at Damian. “What was that about making things worse?”   
  
Damian kept his hands up, facing Luke. On anyone else it would look placating, compliant. Damian wasn’t anyone else. “Luke, you don’t want to-”   
  
“Oh, I really, really do,” he spat out, shaking a little. “You- you’ve tried to take everything from me. You almost did. You took my  _dad_  from me,” he didn’t care that his voice cracked. “I spent years thinking it was my fault. And I come back to find you’ve nearly ruined my home. Ruined everything. Why shouldn’t I do to you what you were about to do to the best thing in my life?” He moved a little bit closer, threatening.   
  
“Luke,” it was Noah who spoke up. “No. Don’t. You can’t kill him.”   
  
“I can, actually,” Luke pointed out, very rational. “All I have to do is squeeze my hand. You showed me, remember? You don’t pull the trigger, you squeeze it. I can do that.”   
  
“You shouldn’t,” Noah countered softly.   
  
“Remember when you taught me?” he kept going. “It was after you shot that guy that was trying to attack me and Damian at the docks. You probably saved our lives that day. Look how Damian repaid you.”   
  
“Luke, no,” Noah kept going too. “Please? It’s not you. You, you’ll regret it.”   
  
“I won’t regret having him out of my life,” Luke snapped. Damian wisely stayed silent.   
  
“You don’t have to kill him to do that,” Noah got closer, he could feel it. “This isn’t about him. Don’t do it for him, do it for you. You’re not a killer.”   
  
“ _He_  is,” Luke was furious, could feel it burning from his feet up, could feel tears threatening his eyes. “He...”   
  
“He’s not you,” Noah said firmly, despite the roughness of his throat. “And you’re not him. You’re Holden’s son, not his. Please, Luke. Come on.”   
  
“I can’t. I can’t let him go,” Luke said it quieter, for Noah to hear. Who was right next to him now, calm and steady.   
  
“You don’t have to. Jack and Margo and everyone are here,” he murmured. “They’ll take him.” Distantly, Luke realized he could hear movement and voices behind him, at the door. “Please? I... I need you to not do this. I need you to be Luke. Not him.” For the first time, Noah’s voice started to break too. “Please, I need  _you_ , Luke.”   
  
He blinked, his breaths starting to go in and out faster. God, it would be so much easier to just kill him. Be done with him.   
  
But easier is what Damian would do.   
  
With a shudder, Luke lowered his arms, the gun clattering to the floor. Within seconds, Jack and Margo and half a dozen guys in those cheesy official FBI windbreakers were storming in, flattening Damian to the ground, cuffing him, dragging him away.   
  
Luke didn’t see any of it. He reached for Noah at the same time Noah reached for him, and they crashed together with a rush of stuttered words and frantic hands. “God oh God oh God,” Luke babbled, running his hands up Noah’s arms and shoulders, gingerly touching his neck. “God, baby, I almost lost you, are you-”   
  
He would’ve laughed at any other time, because Noah was doing the same to him, gently cradling his face, eyes wild and looking him over. “Are you okay? God, Luke, I-”   
  
Luke pulled him in, reassuring them both in a way words couldn’t, but they both needed. Then he pulled back, smacking Noah on the chest. “What the hell were you thinking, going for the gun like that? You idiot, you yell at me all the time for taking risks but you could’ve-”   
  
Noah shut him up, stealing the rest of his tirade with another press of their lips together, gentler this time. “Love you,” he whispered against Luke’s mouth, leaning against him, suddenly looking very tired.   
  
“I love you too,” he stressed each word, keeping one hand flat against Noah’s chest, against his heart. “Idiot.”   
  
“You’re both idiots,” Casey was suddenly there, crouched down in front of them, eyeing them both with equal parts concern and exasperation. “Are we done with the thrilling heroics? I missed lunch for this, you know.” Lily stood behind him, not even trying to hide her tears anymore, reaching for both of them.   
  
Noah’s breathing was still labored. Luke’s hands were still trembling. But he smiled, arm going around Noah’s waist as they stood up shakily. “Yeah. Yeah, I think we’re ready to go.”   
  
Noah held onto the bottom of Luke’s shirt, twisting it in his grip, almost childlike. “What do you want to do now?”   
  
Luke leaned in and up, asking for a kiss. Noah half-smiled as he ducked his head a little to return it. “I’m with Casey,” Luke murmured. “I never did get my lunch.” He leaned his head against Noah’s shoulder as Casey and Lily walked them both out of the office. He paused for a second, taking a moment to look back at Damian’s office, for what he knew would be the last time. It would be the last time he did anything involving Damian. Finally, three years later, he remembered who he was, and who he wanted to be.   
  
“Hey,” a hand brushed against his cheek, through his hair, landing gently on the back of his neck. “You with me, Snyder?”   
  
Luke turned back to Noah, smiled a little, and leaned up to kiss him on the nose. The immediate blush that appeared on his face calmed and centered Luke more than anything else. “Always.”


	7. Star-Crossed Voyager

**Three years later...**   
  
Luke woke up slowly. Really slowly. One-muscle-at-a-time slowly. He smiled to himself, more than a little pleased with how wonderfully sore and sated he felt. He stretched just a bit, but the movement was enough for the arm around his waist to tighten instinctively, unconsciously dragging him more into the middle of the bed.   
  
He laughed almost silently and rolled onto his other side, facing the owner of that arm. Noah, still asleep, one leg having managed to get out and above the covers, his knee knocking into Luke’s.   
  
Luke grinned again, checked the clock, then walked his fingertips lightly across Noah’s arm to his shoulder. “Hey,” he whispered. No response. Not that Luke had been expecting one. He slid his hand under Noah’s shirt, across his stomach, tapping at his side, one rib at a time. “Baby, wake up.”   
  
Noah ‘hmph’ed in his sleep, brow furrowing for a second, but ended up just turning his body more into Luke.   
  
He really wanted to laugh. Most people thought Noah was naturally an early riser, a ‘catches the worm’ type of guy, but that was only because he’d been taught (trained) that way. Once he got away from his father, and his body learned it  _could_  sleep in, Noah had taken to it like a duck to water. Who also loved sleeping in.   
  
Like right now.   
  
“Noah,” he dragged the word out a few extra syllables. “It’s almost nine, we have to get going soon.” Noah’s free hand was tucked under his pillow, so Luke leaned in and kissed the point of his elbow where it jutted out from underneath. “Come on, rise and shine and all that.” Another kiss to his bicep until he was leaning almost nose-to-nose with him. Well, lips-to-nose. He kissed Noah’s.   
  
Noah hummed a little, his legs stretching out long to the foot of the bed, and then he rolled even more, pressed up fully against Luke, his face landing at Luke’s neck and both arms wrapped around Luke’s waist.   
  
Luke did laugh this time, running his hands up and down Noah’s back, tracing his spine. “You know I know you’re faking now, right?”   
  
Noah turned his head just enough to lick a slow path across Luke’s neck and Adam’s apple, then rested his face against Luke’s. “Am not,” he mumbled. “Still asleep. So are you. This is a dream. Hush.” He kissed down the side of Luke’s face, back to his neck.   
  
Luke trailed one hand down to pinch Noah on the ass. “Nice try,” he smirked at Noah’s grunt and turned, held Noah’s face to get the next kiss on his lips. “Morning. We’re leaving in half an hour.”   
  
Noah let out a soft groan, almost  _almost_  a whine. “But it’s nice here.” He proved that by hugging Luke even closer to him, burying his face in Luke’s shoulder and kissing the skin there slowly, sleepily.   
  
Luke shook his head, poking his toe into Noah’s shin where their legs were tangled together. “Sure. Fine. Then you can tell Grandma why we’re late for lunch. Go into detail, she’ll love that. You can explain it’s just because we were in bed together and you were trying to get me naked so you could turn me onto my back and suck m-”   
  
“Okay! God,” Noah rolled onto his own back, hands covering his face. “I’m not going to be able to look her in the eye now. Thanks.”   
  
He kissed Noah’s hands, patted his chest, and climbed out of bed. “You’re welcome, baby.” He headed into the kitchen to get the coffeemaker started, leaving the shower to Noah first. He may take his time waking up, but he was still the Olympic Gold Medalist of speed showering, whereas Luke wouldn’t even pass the qualifying rounds.   
  
Coffee brewing, he went back into the bedroom and grabbed their bags for the weekend trip. He then stuck them by the front door of the apartment, trusting Noah to grab them on their way out.   
  
And sure enough, the shower turned off maybe a minute later, and he got a glimpse of dripping wet Noah walking back to their bedroom. Noah caught him ogling and held up a warning hand. “Nope. Or  _you’re_  explaining to Emma.”   
  
Luke stuck his tongue out. “Fine,” and grinned when Noah stuck his own tongue out in retaliation. His shower may or may not have taken a little bit longer, and by the time he was dry and dressed, Noah was sitting in their kitchen, going over a stack of papers as he poured the coffee into two travel mugs. “New scene?” he guessed.   
  
Noah nodded, absentmindedly adding two spoonfuls of sugar into one of the mugs, the ‘Pretty Princess’ one Tim and Peter had gotten him as a housewarming gift, and handing it to Luke. “Matt emailed some new storyboard sketches last night, I need to incorporate some new ideas into the story to get it right...” then he looked up and smiled, leaning in to kiss Luke sweetly. “Then I’ll need my screenwriter to make it sound perfect in the script.”   
  
“But of course,” Luke grinned into it too, pulling Noah in for one more loud, smacking kiss. “But not today. Not this weekend. It’s called spring break for a reason, dollface.”   
  
“Dollface?” Noah parroted back. “Oh my God, what is wrong with you,” it wasn’t even phrased as a question.   
  
“What’s wrong with me is I live with a film nerd who’s been watching too many noir movies this semester,” he snarked.   
  
“Like you weren’t quoting Shakespeare all last fall?” Noah fired back, even as he dutifully put away his film notes and script. “I almost sent a cease and desist order to your teacher.”   
  
Luke smirked at him, cleaning up the kitchen as best he could. “I’m just getting back into the swing of things, _dollface_ ,” he emphasized the word. “I know you’re the top dog at your art school,” he secretly congratulated himself at the blush on Noah’s face, “But I’ve got to keep up with these smart, literary Northwestern types.”   
  
Noah picked up their bags with one hand and slung his other arm around Luke’s waist as they walked out the door. “You’re smarter then all of them, Snyder,” he said quietly into Luke’s ear. “They’re lucky to have you around.” It was said so firmly, so much more sincerely, as was the added, “I’m proud of you,” and Luke had to steal an extra kiss or two before they separated to climb into Noah’s truck.   
  
Noah tucked one of the bags carefully at Luke’s feet. “Be careful. Robbie’s present is in there,” he told Luke, oh so solemn.   
  
Luke wanted to laugh; he was pretty sure Noah took their co-godfather duties more seriously than anyone else on the planet. “Ten bucks says Casey plays with it first.”   
  
Noah rolled his eyes as he started up the truck and headed out. “No deal.” Under his breath,”Can’t believe Ali allowed him to procreate.”   
  
“Well, when we have a kid, we’ll get a nice, calm, mini-Noah to love, okay?”   
  
The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He hated when they did that. The two of them had started talking about marriage lately, sure, but not kids. What would-   
  
One of Noah’s hands left the steering wheel and found Luke’s, squeezing, gentle and steady. “I’d love a mini-Luke just as much,” he said quietly, eyes still on the road.   
  
Luke bit the inside of his cheek to keep his face from exploding into a stupid grin. “Okay.” They stayed like that for awhile, comfortably quiet, driving out of Chicago, towards Oakdale.   
  
The road seemed to stretch out endlessly in front of them. It was perfect. Luke leaned his head against the truck window, closing his eyes, yawning. He stretched his legs out as far as they would go, his foot hitting the side of his duffel bag, and he had to smile. Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!


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